His Muse

δεκαεννέα | progressus

19 | progress

I rolled over, trying to get back into the deep slumber I enjoyed for the first time in months. Maybe, if I hadn't forgotten those damn herbs, I would still be sleeping! I tutted in my head and flipped the pillow before sitting upright. I glanced at my phone, '6:42am' and stood up to push the door open as I stepped outside and allowed the wind to run through my hair, waking me up. The sun was still rising, lifting the dark blue veil to reveal a dull, brassy, rose-topped horizon, arising with the promise of a full, unknown day. I used to love watching the sunrise, everything was bathed in this florid, golden-orange hue and nothing disrupted nature reminding us of how perfectly it held chaos and order in balance. Even now, it reminded me to breathe, because after the moodiness of silent, secretive night, came a soft, slow explosion of warm colours. I listened to the rambunctious water overlapping each other and foaming perpetually on the gritty sand. I ran my fingers through my hair as I braided it down, smiling at how easy it was to do so with my hair being straightened. Closing the door softly again, I sauntered to the toilet to brush my teeth.

The cool breeze blew past me as I strolled down the creaky, wooden steps to the beach, stuffing my hands into my hoodie pocket. Quickly, I plonked myself down by the coastline, gripping clumps of sand and scattering them down around me. I had ignored thirty of Noah's calls and texts and I knew I would have to eventually explain myself. Regardless of what Theo was doing, my gut was forcing me to accept the idea that I should not have put myself in the middle or plotted with Noah, who I was starting to realise, I did not know much about. I shook my head, as the waves crashed ceaselessly on top of one another, seemingly more stable than my mind.

"I didn't expect to find you here" Theo said, a hint of shock in his voice.

I turned back instantly, squinting as the sky glowed on his face, "good morning" I replied, staring back at the sea again.

"Good morning" he said, "did you sleep well?"

I nodded, as I drew circles into the sand.

"Magda told me that you are still struggling to sleep through the night, is my wolf still giving you nightmares?" he asked, as he sat down next to me.

"Not quite. Not quite as much anyways" I said, "nothing I can't handle, though I am beginning to think that I might just need a new bed and mattress actually" I smiled back at him.

"So what's troubling you?" he inquired, his arms around his hiked-up knees.

"How do you know something is wrong?" I replied, looking at his eyes, the grey in them, stormy and opaque.

"If your sleep was as good as you said it was, I doubt you'd be awake now" he stated, "besides, you keep biting the insides of your cheek and sighing very quietly every few seconds"

I looked down at my hoodie, worried that I was slowly becoming transparent, "I just have a bad feeling that I am not as in control of the choices I am making in my life as I like to think I am"

"How do you know you are not control?"

"Well because, when I do make a decision, it only makes matters worse" I quietly said, "and I feel like I am robbing others of their decisions by making mine... or at least narrowing their choices"

"I think as long as you are doing it from a place of love, those affected cannot be angry at you"

"That's the thing" I shook my head, "I am not so sure I have done it from a place of love"

"Then it comes down to how well you know the people involved, to some ignorance is bliss but the others, knowing eases the concerns"

It was quiet momentarily, as the salty air rose from the sea.