The Potato Nation

16: Why

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY GOT 7K READS SO FAST THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS I REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT LOVE YOU ALL. OH AND 375 VOTES YASS I THINK I AM GOING TO MAKE IT TO 500 BY THE END OF THE BOOK, INSHA ALLAH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOD BLESS YOU. 

(this is your gift for the 7K reads and sorry it's small but that doesn't matter much, does it?) 

dedicated to @vendolpark08 bc of her immense support, thank you so much, love. (also bc i love her comments) 

now i am going to sleep it really is three in the morning haha. (sorry 'bout callum's part not being up to standard, gonna change it later, it was just too hard to write, tell me what you think) 

 

16: Why

Farrah Adam.

She was supposed to be a good person, an admirable Muslim, someone who set examples for people, a role model.

She was supposed to be the person who wore the head scarf, the person who followed Islam, the person who was as good as perfect.

She isn’t though.

She isn’t the person she had initially wanted to be, dreamed of being. She isn’t someone admirable. She isn’t respectable.

Instead, she is the girl who lied. The girl who pretended to be broken. The girl who over reacted. The girl who self-pitied.

The girl who doesn’t want to live, anymore.

The girl who selfishly lied.

She is a coward, a bitch – she doesn’t just want to die,she deserves to die because really, who will love her – who will love someone who pretends to be broken, someone who cries all too often and reacts too much and someone who can’t even love herself, let alone get other people to love her.

Who will love her? And yet she wishes that someone will, someone, someone out there, who’s willing to come up and ask,

Are you okay?

I understand.

I understand if you are not.

She wishes and hopes but the thing is hopes are just hopes and wishes are just wishes and they never turn in to something more, they never turn in to reality, not in this cruel, cruel world where everything seems to be going wrong even though it should be going right because there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with her life and with her and with everything around her. And she doesn’t even know what to think anymore except that she’s a very bad Muslim and this, this is why she’s unhappy because if she were a good one, she’d just bask in the knowledge that God loves her and she’d know that it’s enough, having God love her is enough.

Sometimes, she wonders if even God will love her. She’s just been an unfaithful servant.

But Allah is merciful, she knows, she knows it and for the first time since everything started going wrong, she turns to Him because He is the master and He is the one who has decided her fate and He, only He is capable of changing anything, of making everything alright, of making everything fine, better, good, excellent.

After weeping like the madwoman she is – but this time, there’s a reason and the reason is that she’s disappointed in herself, she hates herself, she wants to die - she goes to the bathroom to wash her face.