Niall's POV
The next few months of tour go as planned, but I only get more exhausted, more drained, more of everything bad. In my gut, I know the cancer is back and it's bad, but I don't care. I don't care. I. Don't. Care. My goal is to make it to Jingle Ball before I say anything.
Even the doctors don't know what I know. I've been keeping how I really feel a secret so I can live out my dream, just a little bit more, before it's taken away from me and replaced with hospitals and chemo and possibly a leg amputation. And luckily, they've believed me.
I go along with the age play fool-heartedly, knowing it's my only time to truly rest. Not minding the babying so much anyways. Truthfully, I need it and it's kinda nice. And I just try to live life as fully as I can.
Today is one of our rare days off and all us lads are spending the time in my suite at the hotel we're holed up in. Harry is busy humming a tune and rocking me while Liam frets about me eating. The truth is I lost my appetite ages ago and I've just been playing the pretend game. But Liam is worried about my weight. So, he's hooking me up to the g-tube for some formula. Again.
Last week, i didn't want to be little so I threw and absolute tantrum when Liam insisted I needed to be hooked up. In the end, Liam won the fight but I put on a spectacular performance nonetheless.
"Alright bud, all hooked up. It'll probably keep going through his nap," Liam speaks the second part like I'm not here. It almost hurts, but I get it, so I don't get too upset about it. After all, they think I'm in my headspace right now.
"You ready for a nap baby?" Harry asks, looking me in the eyes.
I nod, sucking hard on my paci. Harry smiles big and carries me to the bedroom with Liam handling the formula bag. Harry lifts me to his hip with ease. Maybe I have lost a little too much weight.
In the bedroom, Harry tucks me in in the middle of the queen sized bed. Then he crawls up with me to the middle of the bed and begins a story. I don't think I'm very tired so I decide to opt for a rest.
But, before long, Harry's story has me sleepy and I shut my eyes. Harry finishes with a 'the end' and kisses my forehead, telling me "sleep tight bug."
I don't know what the lads are doing while I snooze, but before long I wake up and whine, knowing one of the boys will come in soon.
And it's Zayn who does. "Hey bug, you ready to get up? You took a long nap."
I nod and Zayn takes care of unhooking my g-tube and changing the nappy I wet- me still blushing but i can hide it with the idea of being warm. Plus Zayn isn't paying much attention, clearly he's got something on his mind. After he comes back from washing his hands, Zayn picks me up and I look over his shoulder, my chin rested there, as he rubs my back.
Zayn paces with me like that for a while and I really know something's on his mind now. And he must think I'm in my headspace when he speaks.
"Ni, I have to tell you something and I've no idea how. I can't tell you and break your heart when you're big, but I can't very well get you to understand the importance of it when you're little. I just..."
Zayn doesn't dare attempt to look me in the eye during this. Clearly it's upsetting him a lot.
Zayn stays quiet for awhile, and I don't say anything to make him the wiser that I have no headspace, but rather that I like being cared for like this, big or little. So I let him sit in his thoughts as he bounces me up and down and paces the room.
I almost reveal big Niall is present just so that he can stop fretting. But it's then that he speaks.
"If you weren't in your headspace, I'd just lay it all out for you. I'd say, 'Ni, I've just decided that I just can't do it anymore, and-and I'm leaving.'"
My stomach sinks and I hear nothing past that.
Zayn's leaving?
I start bawling at the thought of my dream-our dream, being lost. I'm angry at Zayn for jeopardizing it but deep down I'm just so sad he's leaving. I didn't know he was unhappy, was it me?
The lads come rushing in, thinking something must be really wrong. Zayn looks at a loss for words and easily lets Louis take me, rocking me a little before setting me on the bed to have a once over.
They check my nappy, though that's dry. They check my g-tube, though that's fine. When they can't figure it out, Louis volunteers to keep rocking me while the others talk to Zayn. I know he won't bring up the one thing that really upset me. That's one thing I know about Zayn- he always brought big things he was going through to me or Louis.
When the others shut the door, Louis takes his time rocking and bouncing me before settling on the bed. My cries turn to sniffles and I just stare at Louis as he stares at me. And it's one of those all knowing stares, so I fess up, needing someone to talk to.
"Zayn's leaving." I blubber in a whisper, looking Louis dead in the eyes. His eyes grow huge but not in the way I thought they would.
"I know." He admits in the same whisper. And he continues to rock me on the bed as we sit in a companionable silence.
Was it me?
A/N: Let me know your thoughts.
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