Shades of Sadness

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3

I was really vexed because of that Shade. His acumen really pissed me off, but at the same time it makes me want him more. Damn that guy and this irksome bullshit growing inside me.

His true colour finally exposed. He's a bumptious man, but alright, I admit, he has something to be proud of, pero nakakainis pa rin siya. Nagtatanong ako nang maayos tapos sasagutin niya ako ng gano'n? He has a rotting attitude! Well.. ako rin naman.

"Hija, saan ka nagpunta?", bungad sa akin ni Mrs. Aguilar nang makabalik ako.

I gave her a wry smile. Nakakabanas pa rin talaga. Muntik ko pang padabog na maibaba ang librong hawak ko dahil sa inis, mabuti na lamang at na-kontrol ko pa ang aking sarili.

"D'yan lang po, uh.. naghanap lang po ng libro," sagot ko at itinuro ang libro ng engineering na kinuha ko.

She fixed her eyes on the book and shifted her gaze unto me and then she beamed a smile. She looks pleased when she saw the book I brought. Hindi na siya nagtanong pa at muling inilipat ang kanyang atensyon sa kanyang laptop at nagpatuloysa pag-e-encode.

"So far, you have no problems in your subjects. You can cope up with the lessons too, but your performance tasks, especially when it's needed to be done by group, affect your overall grade, since you're always cutting your class and most of the time you're in the detention room that's why you can't participate in those tasks," Mrs. Aguilar said in problematic tone.

Here we go again. Lagi namang ganito ang problema ko. Performance Tasks.

Wala naman talaga akong problema kung mag-i-individual ako, kaso hindi rin naman pumapayag ang mga teachers ko. I can handle it, and I know that they know that. Hindi ko lang ma-gets bakit gusto pa nila akong ipasali sa mga groupings-groupings na 'yan kahit na wala rin namang may gustong makagrupo ako.

I think that's not my problem anymore. Ayaw kasing tumanggap ng suggestions ng mga kaklase ko lalo na kapag nanggagaling sa akin, they only listen to themselves, what's the difference of it when you're doing it individually?

Dahil lagi rin akong nagcu-cutting, pinakamataggal na ang dalawang oras na nag-i-stay ako sa classroom, hindi rin naman ako binibigyan ng considerations since nag-cut nga ako ng class, at naiintindihan ko 'yon... and wala rin naman akong pake.

Bahala na sila magplastikan at magpataasan sa room, basta ako? I will do whatever I want, and I'm always ready to face the consequences of my actions.

I'd like to say I will live my life to the fullest, but.. I know deep inside, I'm just finding a way to escape this goddamn life. I will live my life to the fullest, 'cause I don't know when will be the time that life would exhaust me, and who knows what I will do just to end this fucked up life and rest forever.

"You're a brilliant student, Melpomene. Don't waste it," Mrs. Aguilar said then she sighed.

I bit my lower lip and nodded.

Oo na lang ulit ako, para matapos na. Alam kong alam ni Mrs. Aguilar na hindi ko rin naman siya pakikinggan.

I know.. I'm the problem here.

Gusto kong magcollege, pero dahil sa mga binibitawang mga masasakit na salita ni Mama, nawawalan na rin ako ng gana. Alam kong dapat sanay na ako, halos buong buhay ko, noong magkamuwang ako, ang puro naalala ko lang ang pag-iinom ni Mama at ang pambubugbog niya sa akin, samahan mo pa ng mga masasakit na salita. Dapat sanay na ako, namamanhid na nga ako eh sa mga suntok at sampal ni Mama, pero bakit kapag mga salita ang binibitawan niya, sobra pa rin ang epekto nito na sa akin?