Lost In My Head, Found In My Heart

Casey - Chapter 1

Sitting on his bed, Casey struggled to get the knot out of his shoelace. Frustration slowed him down because he knew that if he was late he wouldn't be in time to see Chase jogging in the park. His heart leaped at the thought. The rest of his week might have sucked, but at least he had his fantasy boyfriend to look forward to. Yes, he chuckled at himself for even thinking that. And then all of a sudden, the knot was out and the lace was tied. After a quick brush of his sandy brown hair, a gift from his mother's genes, he grabbed his hoodie, a book, his keys and phone and shot out his bedroom door. A quick goodbye shouted out to his mom as he rushed down the stairs and pulled the front door open. His mom yelled bye and be careful which he answered with okay. Then, he  jumps down the front steps. He wasn't dressed for jogging but that was okay. He could still run to the park. After all, he was just going to be reading under a tree and discreetly watching the sights. 

When his mom told him they were moving to Colorado, he thought his world was coming to an end. He had to give up the only friend he had, Gayle, who he'd grown up with. Then, he had to try to fit in at a new school knowing that he'd never had any luck really fitting in at his old school. Also, he'd had to leave his crush behind...secret crush. Oh, how he loved to watch the track team practicing, especially a lanky guy named Lane. Truthfully, maybe that was a good thing. He was sure one of the guys on the team had caught him watching Lane. He might have been weeks away from a beating, if not days. Being here was not much different except it was a park full of people and it was one guy instead of a herd of testosterone juiced jocks. It's not like he saw this guy outside of the park. And he only knew his name because Chase passed someone who knew him and called out to him. Maybe checking out a guy jogging in the park made him pathetic, but so what. After his senior year of school was complete, he'd be off to college and hopefully have better chances to find somebody to flirt with, maybe date and maybe have other firsts with, too. As long as he kept this on the down low, it would be fine.

So, he scanned the park but didn't see Chase anywhere. Then, he found his favorite spot and settled down with his book, his long lean legs stretched out in front of him, then lifted his knees. When he tilted his head down, as if to read, his sandy brown bangs fell onto his forehead and down over his bright green eyes. That was okay, though, because it hid that fact that he was looking over his book instead of at it. The day was warmer than normal today which could mean less clothes on Chase. Runners legs and wide shoulders were his favorite features on a guy and runners usually has firm but lean legs and muscular but not bulky shoulders. His groin stirred at the memory of Chase's smooth skin and toned muscles. He checked his watch and thought, anytime now. He scanned from one entrance to the other and there he was. And, oh yeah, he wore the gray nylon running shorts, the gray running tanktop, black ankle socks and gray Asics sneakers. His reddish brown hair was short but neatly trimmed. His skin was pale, which was surprising because he obviously liked running outdoors. Casey might have moaned just a little at the sight of him. He knew he shouldn't be hung up on Chase's physical appearance and he wasn't...not entirely. He just got a sense that Chase was beautiful on the inside too. The smile on his face, his interaction with other people in the park, and a gut feeling all said the same thing. Chase was a kind and warm person. And that meant he was way out of Casey's league. So, if all he could do was pine for this guy, he'd take it.

He knew the routine by now. Chase entered at the west gate, stopped to stretch a bit and then circled up the north pathway which ran past the fountain. He'd only be out of sight briefly hidden by the shrubbery near the town founder's statue. Then, he'd reappear and take the southern pathway, passing by Casey. He'd be all sweaty by now and totally hot. His sweat soaked hair pasted to his head and drenched tanktop nearly transparent with sweat. He'd pass by the west gate and do the circuit three times before heading back out the west gate. The route was always the same with maybe a few stops to talk to a familiar face or dodge a group of kids chasing a ball or frisbee. So, today when he was out of sight a significantly more length of time, Casey got a little concerned. He almost stood up to see if something happened. But then, just as he began to stand, Chase emerged from the shrubs and he plopped back down. He pulled the book back up to my face as Chase approached. Suddenly, Chase stopped in front of him and knelt to adjust his shoe. When he stood, he did a few stretches and then headed off again. Casey found myself staring through his bangs, slack-jawed. The memory of that boy that close would be stored in his brain for later on. He glimpsed his green/hazel eyes and long lashes. He could see the beads of sweat on Chase's smooth pale arms and legs and longed to lick them away, reveling in the salty taste on his lips. He suddenly was aware of how tight his jean fit across his groin and fought off the urge to relieve his discomfort with a quick adjustment before pulling the book a little higher up to resume fake reading. After the usual number of laps, Chase exited that park.

With a sigh, somewhere between satisfaction and resignation, he got to his feet, brushed his jeans off and made his way to the east gate. The sidewalk was busy but not crowded. He kept his eyes on the sidewalk as usual. He never wanted to make eye contact with people. He learned that lesson over the last few years. He wanted to be invisible and off the bullies' radar. He'd seen some other kids make the mistake of speaking up for themselves and end up bloodied and bruised or worse. And not once did anything happen to the bully. The school administrators seem to turn a blind eye every time. He balanced feelings of fear and shame every time; fear of being a target and shame at not stepping in to help them. Even though he'd only been here for two months, he'd seen it enough times at his old school to believe it wouldn't be any different here. He knew the rules to survival and had them down to a tee. This was the reality of life, and he had no hope things were different on the streets outside of school. Sadly, this meant he missed out on seeing amazing things around him, but he just had to focus on staying unharmed, and if that meant not seeing the beauty around him, it was a price he would pay. He headed home to spend the day with his mom, savoring the fleeting joy of another Saturday in the park.