Lost In My Head, Found In My Heart

Chapter 21

Chase's eye went wide and his jaw dropped but no sound came out. He watched her face but saw no signs of anger or disgust. Slowly closing his mouth, he silently nodded. Her eyes twinkled as she smiled at him. Then, looking at her son sleeping peacefully, she said, "I don't suppose he told you about his last school."

Again, Chase just nodded slightly more confidently, though still like he was in a daze. Her eyes appeared to become watery as she continued. "He's been keeping everyone at a distance since we got here. He doesn't go out to the movies or hang out at parties. He's never brought a friend to the house. He just goes to school and comes home to his room." Now tears began to slide down her cheeks. "It's just not fair. He's a sweet, funny, caring young man who wants to find love, but he's afraid to believe it's a good idea." She couldn't help herself as she turned and  reached out to gently stroked his hair. "It just breaks my heart..."

Chase looks at Casey's mom, then back at Casey. "I discovered that about him, too. I think that's what drew me to him."

Tears begin to collect in his eyes as his thoughts go back to their last talk. It's obvious that his mom knows about his interest in boys. Still, there she is, comforting him. She's not repulsed or judging him. She's not looking at him as if he's falling short of her expectations. She loves him unconditionally. So did Chase, he realized. Casey's past had no effect on how he felt about him. Casey's mom spoke, breaking his introspection.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Chase," he said. "Chase McDonnell."

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Chase McDonnell."

"Thank you, Mrs. Huffman. It's nice to meet you too."

"I think we can skip the formalities. Just call me Melanie."

Chase smiles wanly, but then his brow becomes creased and he looks intently at Casey. "You're worried about him too, aren't you?" Mrs. Huffman asks.

Chase looked up at her. Her eyes held such warmth and compassion. Why didn't his mother ever look at him like that, he wonders? Despite knowing about her son's sexuality, she still accepted it as just a part of who he was and loved him. He realized that that's what he was missing at home. The acceptance of who he was, and not placing expectations on who he should be, was what family should be. That's why he felt so alone. That's why he sought out this cute, caring, gentle boy who was sitting in the chair next to his mother's bed, sleeping soundly because he felt safe in her presence. When the weight of her eyes focused on him became intense enough, he realize that he hadn't answered her question.

"Yes, I am. I'm worried that he carries too much pain. And I'm afraid that he'll let it ruin his future. He carries too much guilt to allow himself to be happy, to love."

Melanie's eyes seemed to study him intently, and it was starting to make him feel uncomfortable, but before he could break the eye contact, her face softened and she said, "you love him, don't you?"

Despite his growing affection for Casey, the words struck him soundly, causing him to reel, mentally. His thoughts became a cloud of chaos, like a hornets nest that had been struck by a rock. But just as quickly, his thought fell into rank and file and a warmth flared in his chest. He did love Casey. He didn't know when it happened, but it was true. Casey had reached in and stolen his heart. He should have been scared. He should have been overwhelmed. But instead, he felt happiness. He felt like his body had suddenly been filled with helium and only his shoes kept him from floating up to the ceiling and beyond.

But then, he remembered how Casey ran out on him. Doubts took root in his mind. Maybe Casey doesn't feel the same way. A weight settled into his chest and his happiness deflated. He suddenly felt like crying. The feeling of loss that began to bubble up in his chest, created a feeling of loss, greater than he'd ever felt before.

"Yes, I am in love with him. But I'm not sure if he feels the same way. I mean, we just met. We've only talked a few times. And I haven't told him yet. Maybe I'm too scared to."

"What are you afraid of?" She asked.

Chase let out a nervous chuckle. "Well, for starters, I've never felt this way about a guy before." Oddly, having said it out loud, it didn't really bother him. Not while he was looking at Casey, beautiful Casey, who made butterflies take flight in his gut. He had the sudden desire to run his fingers through Casey's hair.

"Are you afraid of what your family and friends will say?" Melanie's question snapped his mind back to her question.

Ashamed to admit it, he dropped his eyes to the bed and nodded solemnly. Something had been niggling at the back of his mind, and now, he realized that's what it was. Not that he minded too much about what his parents would think, but what would the team think about this? Even though running wasn't a contact sport, they still spent time together in the locker room and showers. Would he still be accepted on the team? Would his friends still be his friends? Then, another question crossed his mind. Did their friendship mean more to him than his feelings for Casey? Could he make that choice? It hurt. Inside his chest, there was a pain that felt like there was a knife in his chest and someone was twisting it. 

A hand touched his and he looked up to find Melanie looking at him, concern filled her eyes. "Are you okay?"

Chase managed a weak smile. It was the only answer he had to give. Because, honestly, he wasn't sure. What were his options, really? Could he just walk away from his feelings for Casey? Yeah, no. That wasn't an option. Maybe he could just be friends with Casey. That way, his life wouldn't change much from what it was now. But would that be fair to Casey? What if he didn't want to be my friend? Or what if he wanted to be more than my friend? Should I really be making plans and assumptions about his wants and needs? Maybe I should just state my wants and needs and let him decide. If he didn't feel the same way or at least want the same things, then none of my plans would matter. Just the thought of his possible rejection caused tears to form in my eyes. 

A hand gently stroked my cheek, so I looked up, prepared to give Melanie a soft smile of thanks. But it wasn't her hand comforting me. It was Casey's. 

And he knew now, he had his answer. The fluttering in his chest was his answer. He couldn't walk away from this, and he couldn't pretend they were just friends. His life was about change and, strangely, that made him happy.