SNL 2020

Human Vs. Pooch

Then man and dog happily went to the kitchen. I hate them both. Hey everyone, if I poison your Baba and the bitchy little dog so they'll have diarrhea for two days, what will you say?

(Bad Dayu. Bad!)

Right. That will be bad right? Alright, no messing with food and laxative. Besides, with my luck, I might eat all the tampered food and I will be the one who will suffer on the porcelain throne.

So I decided to just study my lines for my project while Qing entertain himself and his sister's devil dog.

But soon enough, Qing grew tired.

Qing: (yawning) Dayu, I think I need a nap.

Me: (not taking my eyes on the script I am reading) Okay. Go sleep. Do you need me to tuck you in bed?

Qing: (sighing) No. I'll need you to play nice with Cupcake. Make sure you both will stay alive while I take my nap.

Me: (going still) Shit. Can't you just put her in her kennel bag?

Qing: (frowning at me) I won't dignified that one with an answer. Look after Cupcake. I'm going to take a nap.

Qing placed Cupcake on the center table, right directly at me before sauntering to our bedroom to sleep.

Silence reigned in the living room as Cupcake and I sized each other. I sighed and put the script on my lap.

Me: (staring directly at Cupcake) What are you looking at? Do you think you can take me? Are you...belittling me right now?

(Dayu ah...)

I sighed. I know. I should stop letting this little dog get on my nerve. I put aside my script to smile at Cupcake.

Me: Okay. Can't we just...I don't know, get along? I am nice. Take some time to know me and I am nice. I am even nicer than Qing.

Cupcake: (barking)

Me: Qing...he is just a big oaf. Fine, I get it. He looks warm and dependable...oh but he is a slob. I mean, he can live in a room with dust. Who could live like that? He is untidy...

Cupcake: (more barking)

Me: And the way he season his food...ugh! I mean, I am for less salt and fat but darn it, I didn't sign up to eat bland toast and eggs. At least put some green onions on those suckers! He is such a disappointing cook.

Cupcake: (growling)

Me: (sighing) I know. And the man nags too. I mean, for a guy, he has lots of complaints. I think he is so close to calling the manager on me by the way he complains. And why is so particular with his stuffs. So I bought a different brand of shampoo last month, does that warrant him to bite my head off? He is such a grouch, that Wang Qing.

Cupcake: (louder barking)

Me: (nodding) Yes. Yes. He is. Fuck him! So he is charming. So what? Does that give him any rights to use his charming self to get me to stop being mad at him? I want to be mad. He should let me get mad. He won't let me dip my sandwich on the cheese sauce. So what if the sandwich already has four melted cheese in it, cheese sauce is life! That Wang Qing!

Cupcake: (growling)

Me: (smiling at her) See? We agree already. Qing is no fun. I am fun. We can have cheese sauce all day long, you and I. As long as you are nice to me. Are you thirsty? Do you want water? Qing didn't even give you water after tiring you? He does that to me too. One time, we had sex and he just fell right to sleep...he didn't even give me water or some cuddles. Unfeeling man. So what if I tire him out! He should cuddle me after sex! (Standing up) Wait here, I will get you some water.

I went to the kitchen, whistling as I pour water on Cupcake's water bowl, thinking we are already bonding. Surely, this is the start of something good and wonderful for the two of us. Don't y'all think so too?

(Yay, we are happy for you, Dayu...)

I am happy too. So I took Cupcake's water bowl with me as I get back to the living room and stopped at the sight that greeted me. I sighed deeply.

I sat back on the couch, next to Cupcake and the script I was reading that she torn apart and chewed on

(Oh no! Dayu ah...)

Me: This is my fault, right? I shouldn't have badmouth Qing in front of you, right?

Cupcake: (barking once)

Me: (nodding) Yes. I understand. I mean, it's not like I missed the sign. I've always known that you are in love with him.

Cupcake: (barking again)

Me: True. True. He is a decent guy. Easy to fall in love with. Surely, I am not blaming you. But you see...you bitch...do you really have to go as far as ruin the script I am studying? I mean, surely...you crossed some lines this time. Right?

(Dayu ah...)

Argh! This is driving me insane. Now I have to call the writer's staff to ask for another copy of the episode's script. What reason will I give? Could I tell them that a psychopathic dog who is insanely in love with my fiancé chewed on my script after I went on a tirade complaining about my husband to be?

No...that sounds too insane. They will not believe that it happened.

(But that's exactly what happened...)

Don't. Don't remind me that my life consists of a series of events that people will consider as insane. I just need to...

I gently placed Cupcake back on the center table from the couch. How she managed to jump from the center table to the couch with those short legs of hers, I won't know. I guess she was that determine to make my life miserable.

Cupcake 1, Dayu 0

I cleaned up the torn script and called my manager. I apologized for my sloppiness and told him that the script was ruined and I'll need a new one. My manager said not to worry because production teams are used to actors asking for spare copy of scripts. For context, my manager once worked on a production team on a show so he knows what he is talking about.

My manager said he will get me the new copy of the script tomorrow, no worries. I thanked him before I bin the ruined script and went to our bedroom to lay on the bed with Qing for some comfort. Qing moaned and wrapped his arms around me. Even in his sleep, he loves comforting me. I closed my eyes and just think that Cupcake could walk in our room and see me in Qing's arms but no matter what she do, she cannot jump up on our bed because it's too high for her.

He he...our score is now tied up. 1 and 1...

(Goodness, you are petty)

I am. And I also got Qing to side with me when he learned about my chewed up script after he woke up from his nap. He put Cupcake on a time out in her kennel while consoling me. Qing hugged me tight and told me not to worry. I am not worried but I still act like I am on the verge of a panic attack to keep his sympathy. Yes, I finally have some use for my panic attack.

(No! You didn't...that's emotional blackmail, Dayu ah)

I don't care. I have to win against a pooch, all rules has to be broken. That's Dayu 2, Cupcake 1. I am winning. I stuck my tongue out to Cupcake when Qing was not looking.

(Wow, you are turning 28 next month)

I know. I think I am maturing well. I am now starting to use all I have to manipulate people around me. Aren't you all proud?

(Dayu ah!)

Kidding. Let me live for once. I promise to behave once JiJi takes Cupcake home with her. But until she is here, I will be petty as fuck.

That Cupcake is going down. This is war.