Divergent Future

Chapter 25

Tris's POV

I wake up as my alarm clock blares in my ear, and I quickly turn over to cut it off. Once the annoying sound is off, I lay back down with a sigh.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

I spent most of the night, tossing and turning, thinking about Tobias. Because yesterday I found out that I am still in love with him. And why wouldn't I be?

Tobias never did anything to hurt me. I was the one that did that.

Ever since I met him on my first day of senior year, he's been an absolute saint to me. And I've realized that all I've done is cause him pain.

He helped me. He restored me. He taught me to believe in myself. He made me feel strong and brave and beautiful. He made me feel like I was a somebody. And for awhile there, my flashbacks had stopped. And even though I have them again, he's the reason why I don't need silly things like hot chocolate and Skittles to calm myself down after one.

I found a new coping mechanism. Him.

Since I've known him, all he has done is love me. Care for me. Root for me. And stick by my side. And what did I do?

I hurt him. More than once.

I mean, I broke up with him that one time with Lauren. And even though I had my reasons for it, it was stupid for me to do. I was acting on emotions. He had physically hurt me even though he did not mean to at all. But that mixed with the emotional pain of seeing him and Lauren together just messed me up. So I ended it, and apparently, almost ended him.

He told me that he almost committed suicide during that time, and it hurt me so much. To know that I hurt him that badly.

But then when I found out I was pregnant, I did the same thing again. I left. I left because I am the biggest coward to walk on the face of the earth. I'm afraid of confrontation and hurting people, but what I wasn't realizing back then is that my decisions to keep from hurting people were hurting people.

Man, have I been so stupid over the years.

But now I've realized my ways, and from now on, I'm going to think about my decisions thoroughly and logically before making a decision.

Which is what I was doing about Tobias all night long.

I'm still in love with him, but there is a big chance that he's not in love with me anymore. I mean, look at what I've done to him. If I was him, I wouldn't have anymore feelings for me.

So instead of impulsively telling him about my feelings, I need to plan this out, to think it out. Before I once again say or do something stupid and ruin things between us. We're finally on good terms, and I don't want to mess it up. Especially for Toby.

And even though I've been planning a way to tell him all night, I still haven't come up with a way to admit my feelings.

I pull myself up out of bed with a sigh and drag myself over to my closet. There's no use in moping about it right now. I just need to get on with my day, and I'm sure that the right way to tell him will eventually come to me.

I pick out some black leggings and a pink baggy t-shirt, deciding that I'm not going to try and dress up all cute today. After running into the paparazzi yesterday, I doubt the gang will want to go out anywhere today.

I take the outfit into the bathroom and hop in the shower. While in there, I take some more time to think about my situation, but when I realize that it's only going to lead me down further into the rabbit's hole, I finish washing and get out. I dry off, put my clothes on, dry my hair, throw it up in a bun, and walk back into my room. Since we're probably not going anywhere, I just slip on a pair of long songs before walking to Toby's room.