Divergent Future

Chapter 14

Tobias's POV

My alarm clock blares, and all I do is shut it off and roll back over to face the wall.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I think that it should be pretty obvious why.

It's been about two weeks since Tris told me that we would sit down and talk about everything. So adding those two weeks to the other weeks before that, Tris has been avoiding talking to me for almost two months now.

Two months ago, we both moved back to Chicago, and she told me that soon, she would sit down with me and explain why she did everything. Two months ago. And during those two months, she's been promising me that we'll get to it. But there's always some excuse as to why we can't.

She has to work on a song.

She has to watch Toby.

She has a meeting with Matthew about the album.

She's been losing sleep from trying to get everything done.

And I know that those are technically not excuses. Because that's really what she's been doing. But just because all of that is happening doesn't mean she can't take ten minutes to sit down and talk to me.

I just don't get it.

And it's driving me insane to just sit around and wait for her to give me the answers that I've deserved for years. It's driving me insane to be around her and Toby and NOT say something about the whole issue at hand.

The more time I spend with Toby, the more my heart aches for me to be in his life. And sure, I'm technically in his life now, but I want him to know that I'm his dad. And that I love him. And that I'm never going to leave him. And that I'm going to do whatever it takes to make him incredibly happy for the rest of his life.

But I can't do that. I can't tell him all of that until Tris talks to me about everything. And the way things are going, it feels like she's never going to be ready to talk to me.

I hear my door open slightly, but I stay facing the wall.

"Four?"

It's Zeke.

"Four, are you awake?"

I don't respond. I just need some more time alone to try to process all of the thoughts that I've been dealing with all night. I just don't want to face anyone right now.

After a minute or two, he assumes that I'm still asleep and shuts the door. They're probably going out somewhere and wanted to know if I wanted to come. But I don't. I just want to be myself.

At least I think I do.

Some days, I crave human interaction. Because recently, I've kept myself holed away from everyone else. Only coming out of my room to get food. Which I honestly don't eat much of anymore.

I know. I know. It's not good for me to not eat. But I never really want food anymore. It just doesn't seem appealing. It's almost like nothing seems appealing to me anymore.

What have I become? Who am I at this point? This is not the guy I was in high school. This is not the guy that my best friends have spent their whole lives with. Why did I have to change so much? Why did I have to change who I was?

I liked who I was in high school. I was caring and honest and kind and loving and. . . Happy. And now, I'm not.

I'm still caring and kind. I try to show that to everyone I meet. I'd like to say I'm still loving too; I just don't think I have much love left to give. I'm not completely honest anymore. I've been hiding my depression, my panic attacks, my insomnia, and my eating disorder from all of my friends and family.