Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

forty-eight

"Group hug!" Ashton tells, joining Kyle and I, Nina following.

When we all eventually pull apart, I look over at Ashton, "Ash, you're going through this too- I can't let you-"

"Kels, don't worry. He doesn't know yet that Kyle and I have something planned for him too." Nina laughs.

"I told you not to. Kels is the one going through it." Ashton mutters.

"You need it too, Ash. Stop acting like you're fine."

"Can we just focus on Kels?" He asks, obviously not wanting to deal with this right now.

"I do love you guys. You mean the whole world to me."

-

Ashton and I have been shopping for a little while now, we're taking a break in the food court now. My mood switched pretty quickly, I'm feeling awful about myself again.

"You can talk to me, Kels." Ashton says, taking a deep breath.

"I-I'm sorry." I sniffle.

"What's wrong?"

I know I shouldn't tell him, he's going to hate me. But I think I'd rather open up to him instead of a new therapist. That's not an easy thing to do. I take a deep breath before I speak.

"I just want to get high one last time. Fuck, I shouldn't say that. Especially not to you. God, I just-" I pause, sniffling, before realizing what I just said, "I'm so sorry. Oh my god."

"You did not just say that."

"I'm going through it right now, and that's what I did to deal with things. My marriage fell apart and I did coke every fucking day because of it. Things went bad in Seattle, I relapsed. I miscarried and I haven't done it yet. I just want to do it one more time. It made me feel better, Ash. It made me feel alive."

He pauses for a few moments, just staring at me as if this wasn't real. "When you get back from Kiana's wedding, I'm bringing you to rehab. That's it, Kels. Fuck, you're checking yourself in. I don't care what you have to say."

"You can't force me to go."

"I won't let you go through this again, Kelsey. I won't. If you don't stay clean I fucking promise you, Nina, Kyle and I will not be sticking around." He replies, his voice strained. He's trying to stay calm. He's trying not to breakdown.

"Ashton-"

"No. I'm not trying to be an asshole here, you need to realize that you can't go back to that. You relapsed, it happens, but that doesn't mean you have to keep using. You can stay clean. It's been, what? Months? It's been months since Seattle. You can keep going."

I sniffle, "I need to go home. I have to see Kiana and Calum. And Luke."

"Luke got you into this, Kelsey."

"But I think now he can get me out of it. I'm trying so hard to stop having feelings for him, Ashton. I'm trying. Fuck, I've been trying since the moment I filed for divorce. After Seattle all I've wanted is to just... be around him. It's so fucked up, I know."

"You kicked him out when he came to visit you."

"Because of the baby, Ashton! He kept saying things about how that should've been him and I but all I could focus on was trying to tell you. It was giving me anxiety so I kicked him out! Because all I could think about was that he was right. I wanted that with him and only him. We were never meant to have a baby, Ashton."

"Fine. Okay. You can run back to Luke. I can't stop you. But this whole going back to drugs and alcohol thing? Fuck that." He scoffs.

"I'm sorry. I'm stupid. I didn't mean it. I don't want to do it again." I tell him, knowing that what I said is truly stupid. I know I don't need to get high. I know I don't need to drink.

"You said it, Kels! You obviously meant it!" He quietly exclaims, not trying to attract attention from the people around us.

"Fuck. Fuck!" I yell, now gaining the attention of a few people around us.

"Okay, Kels, maybe we should go."

"No, we're out to have a good time and not think about this shit, we're going to have a good fucking time." I mutter, leaning back in my seat.

Ashton sighs, "Listen, I didn't want to fight with you. But I can't coddle you forever. I have to be straight up with you eventually. That's all I was trying to do."

"Fuck, I know." I sniffle, trying not to cry, "I just- I wish everything was easier. I don't know why I'm still like this.

We sit in silence for a few moments. Both of us weren't in the mood to. Neither of us wanted to break the silence now.

"Oh, hey, guys."

We both immediately look up, seeing the last person we'd want to see right now.

"Michael. Hi." Ashton replies, trying to smile at him.

"Yikes. Sorry. I knew I shouldn't have come to talk. Sorry." He mutters.

"No, Michael. It's not you." I sigh, getting more frustrated with Michael and his recent behaviour.

He scoffs, rolling his eyes, "You know, I'm starting to not believe that."

"Fuck." I mutter reaching out to him, "It's not about you, Michael. I have so much shit happening."

He lets out a huff as I pull him into the empty chair next to me, "Fuck."

"I'd love to tell you what's going on with me, but it would hurt you."

"Tell me." Michael snaps.

"Kelsey, don't." Ashton demands, his head snapping up to look at me.

"Well I either let him keep acting like this or I have to fucking destroy his relationships with us to get him to fucking understand this isn't about him!"

"Let him." He demands, getting visibly angry.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" Michael asks.

"She just asked to do coke 'one last time' and I'm not here for it." Ashton answers.

"Kelsey!"

"You don't get it Michael! I had a miscarriage and it's fucked me up! I just want to get high again. Just one more time. That's all." I let out a deep breath, not ready to have this conversation.

Michael's jaw was dropped, pausing before speaking up, "Y-you were pregnant? So you did really cheat on me with him."

"Fuck, Michael! I never slept with Luke!" I pause looking over to Ashton, "I'm sorry, Ashton, I have to."

"Kels, please don't-" He begs, but I cut him off.

I take a deep breath, unable to look Michael in the eye, "I slept with Ashton."

"What?"

"We shouldn't be doing this in a fucking mall food court." Ashton angrily mutters, staring over at me.

"You two did what?"

"It was after you guys broke up, Michael. Dude, I'm so sorry. I just- I got really drunk and I just- we were talking and it- it happened."

"Fuck you. You had sex with my ex-girlfriend, what, a month after we broke up?"

"A week." I whisper.

"He doesn't need to know the details, Kelsey!" Ashton yells, once again making a couple people around us look over to us.

"Fuck both of you." Michael chokes out, before getting up and walking away.

Ashton sighs, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do about Michael anymore." I whisper, looking down at my hands.

He stays silent for a couple seconds, before reaching into his pocket, "Here's the car keys. I'm ubering home now."

"We can drive together, stop being dramatic-"

"Bye, Kels." He mutters, interrupting me, as he drops the keys on the table and walking away.

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hi it's been a little bit I'm sorry I'll be back asap!