The Rain Says It's Okay To Not Be Okay

10

"It's a place you can be both happy and sad at the same time."

Naalala kong sinabi niya sa akin 'yan nang nasa harap kami ng simbahan. I just realized how that's not the only thing that can be both happy and sad at the same time. So do memories.

Nakatanaw ako ngayon sa labas ng opisina habang pinagmamasdan ang inuulang s'yudad. Ulan. It brings both happy and sad memories. It's funny how they're not even such a big memory to remember.

It's just a memory you can't forget.

"Uuwi sa bansang sinilangan, ah?" narinig kong tanong ng isa kong boss na kapwa Pilipino rin, obviously. Napatalikod ako mula sa pagtingin sa labas at nakita ko siyang tinitingnan ako mula ulo hanggang paa.

It's not the style I've been wearing. It's the other pair that Jessi bought that new Years.

"Family? Friends? Dreams?" tanong niya habang naglalakad papunta sa tabi ko. He stopped to get himself a glass of red wine which was on my table. He took a sip when he reached my side. What he mentioned were some possible reasons I am moving back in the Philippines.

Parehas kaming natulala sa tanawing nasa harap ng opisina.

"I'm trying to find home," walang kamalay-malay kong sinagot. It felt like the right answer, and I won't try to take it back.

Maybe the universe had already found a way for Jessi and I to be back together. I just have to take it. Taon na rin ang nakalipas. I just miss her so much. I just want to see her again.

"That makes me right about my conclusion. You never really thought of the arranged marriage as a big deal because you really had no plans on taking what's serve on the table."

Napangiti ako sa sinabi ni sir. "I just don't see myself staying here longer," tugon ko sa sinabi niya. I felt like an idiot now, knowing the reason why Jessi and I had let each other go was because of this.

Napatingin ako kay sir at nakitang nakatitig siya sa akin, like expecting me to say something more, so I did. "Anymore."

He smiled at me like a proud father when I said that one word. Tumingin ulit siya sa bintana as he took another sip from the wine glass. Hindi na siya nagsalita tsaka niya ipinatong ulit sa mesa ang glass.

He started walking towards the door. "I hope you find your home then," he smiled once more bago niya isinara ang pinto.

Yes, I will.

"Clifford?" may narinig akong tumawag sa akin kaya napalingon ako. Bumuntad sa aking harapan si Natalie. "Oh my god, oh my god! Hi! Bumalik ka, omg!" may payakap-yakap pa siyang nalalaman. "Are you going to work here?"

"Um, kinda. Someone offered me a project," sinabi ko.

"Oh my god, since when? It's been so long."

"I just arrived days ago. Three days, I think."

She only stared at me, smiling like she's glad to see me again. But that look is partnered with fretfulness as well. And I know what that sympathy is for.

I wanted to ask her about Jessi, but probably knowing it would be a little too much for me to handle yet. May natitira pa akong pag-asa.

"Okay then, I'll see you around," sinabi niya nang hindi ako nagsalita. Natalie already turned her back on me and started walking a few steps when I ran after her.

"Natalie," I called and she immediately turned around, "Um..." Hindi ko na naman mahanap ang tamang salitang itatanong ko. I'm more nervous of the answer than asking the question.

I think she saw through that. "She's fine. I'm not sure if she's trying to be fine in front of us or she really is. Do you want to-"

"No."

She didn't seem shock when I answered swiftly. I smiled at her and slowly shook my head. "As long as she's fine."

Natalie smiled at me one more time before saying goodbye again and walked away. Huminga ako nang malalim. I didn't expect the universe to do this as quickly as possible.

I badly miss her. I want to her hear laugh again. I want to see her. It just hurts thinking how I might not the reason why, anymore.