The Rain Says It's Okay To Not Be Okay

9

"Stop crying," sinabi ko kay Jessi na nakaupo ngayon sa kama niya. Sinabi ko 'yon sa kanya kahit hindi ko mapigilian ang pamumuo ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. "Baby, stop crying. Please," pagmamakaawa ko.

Nanginginig ang aking mga kamay habang pinupunasan ang mga luha niya. She couldn't even look at me in the eye. She sniffed as she looked up to look at me. Lalo akong nanghina nang makita kong puno ng mga luha ang kanyang mga mata.

"We'll figure this out," sinabi ko sa kanya para bigyan siya ng lakas ng loob. It feels like that's what we needed right now. I want my mind to focus on what's happening right now.

Hindi ko kayang isipin ang mangyayari sa hinaharap, kahit sa kung ano ang mangyayari kinabukasan. Heck, I'm even afraid to think of how everything's going to end today.

Kita ko sa mga mata niya ang pagpipigil niya sa mga luha niya. She's trying to remain strong while I'm in front of her. I can't do it any longer the moment I felt my tears roll down my eyes.

Aside from her sobs, I can actually hear thunders outside.

"But figuring it out..." sinubukan niyang sabihin nang klaro but failed to do so, "...doesn't mean that we'll still end up in a solution we wanted. Clifford..."

I don't like her calling my name. How the hell does it hurt so much when the person you love the most calls you by your name? Just how?

Binaba ko ang mga palad kong sinubukang punasan ang mga luha niya. I'm not tired. I'll never be tired of wiping her tears away. It just hurts when I know I'm the reason why she's crying.

Hindi kami makatingin sa isa't isa. It just hurts so much. Hindi ko mahanap ang mga salitang gusto kong sabihin. Pakiramdam ko kasi, sumusuko na 'yung pinanghahawakan ko.

We stayed there, quietly, just letting our tears fall. Wala sa aming dalawa ang naglakas loob magpaliwanag, o magsalita. We didn't need any of that, I guess. We both know how this would end.

It was silent until the rain came. Parang pumalit sa pwesto ng pag-iyak naming dalawa ni Jessi ang ulan.

Jessi played with her fingers.

"Tanda mo 'yung sinabi mo bago mo ako tanungin if we could date?" she said, breaking the tension and silence between us. I reached for her hands, for her little fingers to play with. "You said that you want someone who's ambitious in life, as well," her voice broke.

Ayokong makinig sa sasabihin pero gusto kong pakinggan ang boses niya. Who knows, this might be the last time I'll ever get to hear her voice? And I hate that it's broken.

"You said that you want someone who'll understand that you have somewhere else you needed to be. And I understand that."

Hindi ko na napigilan. Bumagsak ulit ang mga luha ko. Hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko sa mga kamay niyang ayaw kong bitawan. The first time she held it, I know that I've never wanted to let it go.

"And you said that you want someone to grow yourself with. Clifford, I believe the we grew with the care of each other."

I bit my lips to stop myself from sobbing. I don't wanna hear what's next.

"But we just have to stop to do it together any longer."

Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi at pinilit akong tumingin sa kanya. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong umiling lamang nang umiling, because I don't really want to wake up the next day, knowing how my day won't end with her.

I'm trying to find for solutions. Maybe there are other ways to do this. I can actually move with her and find a job wherever she goes. But we're like each other.

We grew up wanting to live somewhere. We have the chance to live there already. We can't just let it go.

"Hey," sinbukan niyang ngumiti, "Look, kapag nagbago ang lahat, I'll come looking for you. You just have to do this by yourself first. Maybe the universe will find a way for me to go back to you, okay?"

It's been years, and I'm hoping that the universe is still looking for a way to make her come back to me.