Dually Devoted ✓

Chapter 19

A/N: Don't miss out on CHAPTER 18.

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"Please be my girlfriend?"

She sat stock-still, knowing not what to say. Even forgetting that her silence would seem awkward, she continued to observe him.

Her mind hadn't been working from when he had confessed his feelings to her. Every word he had uttered after that repeated itself in her ears. His voice so genuine and soft... as if they were his invisible arms wrapping around her cozily. His pitch-black eyes that were locked to hers went deep, like they held the universe- the space. He seemed to look at her as if she was his world. But as her gaze flicked from his eyes to his face, she recalled just one thing-  He wasn't her Arnav.

She knew Siddharth was more to her than just a boss or a friend. She could run into his arms and she knew she would feel safe. She believed every word he uttered; every emotion his eyes showed her. And the longing she felt right then, to close the distance between them and hug him tight; to feel him from as close as possible, revealed to her the unknown side of herself-

She... was in love with him!

Or maybe her liking for him, that she had been trying hard to ignore, had just turned to love.
Perhaps she had, at this. very. moment. Fallen for him.
For the placidness with which he was looking at her, with that tenderness that blended so mysteriously with his intense gaze.
With the reverence in his words that shone so vividly with his gentle tone. Or maybe with the warm touch of his slightly trembling hand.

With all of it, she concluded with a meek smile.

However. The place she had given Arnav in her heart could not be replaced. The feelings she had for her Arnav did not fade; would not fade. If he ever was to come back, she wanted to be free to run into his arms. She desired him and that desire wouldn't disappear. She frowned unconsciously; she didn't want to push Sid away. She didn't want to hurt him. But she wasn't capable of pushing Arnav away either. She could never. If she had made Siddharth, or so he claimed, Arnav had made her what she was today. Thus, she could clearly understand and empathize with the depth of Sid's feelings for her. But it didn't change the fact that she belonged to Arnav, and no one else.
Then, why? Why is she unable to push this man away? Why does it take only one look at him for all her defenses to melt away?

All these years, there hadn't been a single man who had even made her notice him. But this particular man had changed it all. From the very first meet, he had made her want to be acknowledged by him, causing her to notice everything about him. When had that sprouted a respect, care and a bond of friendship between them, she didn't know. When had she begun to like him more than just a friend, she didn't know.

Her lips formed a thin line. How could she be worthy of loving the man in front of her?

She wasn't capable of loving him like he should be loved- as his woman's only one. Too bad, but he deserved better. Even if it meant he would be hurt now, he deserved better; she consoled herself.

She hoped, wished and prayed silently.
God, let there be someone who'll hold him like I want to.
But with a passion much stronger than mine.
Let there be someone who'll love him like I want to.
But with a devotion much deeper than mine.

She turned away, not daring to meet his gaze; not daring to see him hurt, as she readied herself to reject him as politely as she could, her heart breaking at the thought.

She sensed his grip on her hand loosening, making her aware that he was beginning to see what she was up to. In a fraction of a second, her hand was left to feel the cold, alone; her eyes felt watery. He knew!

"You-" he almost choked, but cleared his throat. "You don't have to answer me now. Take your time," he blurted out, feeling like a coward as he kept his gaze static on the lake.

She glanced at him at that, with her teary eyes wide. She let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. She was utterly relieved. She couldn't do it right now; she couldn't reject him just yet.

What a mess she was?!

He was staring off into space. Even though he did not know her answer, something within him told him to not hear it, as if it was saving itself from being hurt. He knew he had been feigning optimism; wishfully thinking that she would give him a chance. Though in the back of his mind, he couldn't ignore the steadfastness she had in her character, which did make him conclude that she wouldn't waver even though that guy wasn't in her life anymore.

His eyes were fixed on the first rays of sunlight that were signaling a new day, from the other end of the lake. They had walked in here quite late, but he hadn't known the whole night had passed. He stared at the sunrise that seemed to be mocking him. It wasn't a new day, a bright turn in his life. It was a return, a U-turn to his former days. It isn't her fault; he shoddily smirked his grief away. It was funny that he wasn't angry at his life anymore. Surely, things weren't all happy, but he, at least, had this warm feeling inside him- the assurance that he would get to see her and be with her even after this day. That filled, at least, some of his emptiness; removed some of its darkness. If that's all was written in his destiny, he would embrace it. Because, now he had the courage to embrace it. The courage her mere presence in his life had brought. A small smile graced his lips. "Isn't the sunrise beautiful," he said, internally trying to convince himself the same, and looked at her with a smile.

His smile made her stomach twist. She smiled back just as sadly, suppressing the urge to turn away, or worse- cry. He went back to seeing the sunset, his eyes somewhat distant.

Her heart wanted to keep looking at him. She sought to take in his appearance, scared she might lose him soon. If only he didn't look so hurt, she swallowed the lump of guilt in her throat and followed his gaze to see the sun rising gradually, with its bright reddish-orange rays colouring the sky. The skyscrapers at the other end of the lake looked like shadows, as the sun rose, making the peaceful blue-looking lake turn dull-red.

The sunrise, though gorgeous, did not succeed in bringing them out of their distressed state; each worn-out and defeated in their own way. The silence between them yearned to be broken; the distance between them growing unbearable but the hearts clinging on to their cowardice.

As the sound of the birds chirping became louder, Siddharth pushed himself off the ground. She hadn't rejected him yet. He had to think positive. Maybe she just needed time. Knowing her, if she didn't want to think of it, she would've rejected him without delay. Ah! That analysis eased his mind. Ya... she wants to think. That's a good sign, he told himself, internally smiling and feeling quite revived.

Extending his hand to her, he said, "Come on, we better get going."

She softly smiled her tiniest of smiles as she placed her hand in his without a second thought, getting up and joining him. He walked quietly, quickly, as the guilt within her resurfaced. She was aware that she had to be brave for what was to come. She had to do what had to be done. She would soon end up creating a rift in their bond, and he would be left alone to endure the pain; the pain she would've embedded in him. Would she be able to do that?

Just when I thought I was getting a little stronger...

*****
Hola!

This one was hard to write 😅

Since there was so much going on in 'Arpita's and Siddharth's mind', I really didn't know if I could put them all in words. Hope I did justice to that. 😁