Dually Devoted ✓

CHAPTER 10

Siddharth glanced at the naked figure sleeping beside him. She had her hand resting on his bare chest, somewhat possessively.

His eyes held disappointment as he drank her in, her swollen red lips, her slender shoulders and each of her curved contour covered by the thin silk sheets. His gaze traveled down to her exposed legs that he had found quite capturing when he had chosen her. Now, he felt nothing.

He wondered why it was so, that when he felt his emptiness pulling him in, he thought of these desperate girls as an escape. He frankly preferred ignoring the vain attention. It was unwanted. But at times of vulnerability, drowning himself in a night of arousals and attention, he triumphantly thought he had won over his incompleteness. Only to find himself feeling emptier the very next morning.

A strange guilt enveloped him.
But, what had he done wrong? He was single, a college going bachelor with lots of free time in his hands. He was having fun, like most do... wasn't he?

He pushed her hand away, not very gently, as he got up to leave. Her hand clasped his arm, stopping him as a seductive smirk played on her lips. She had been awake for quite some time now; her eyes twinkled mischievously. She sat up and locked her eyes with his, trying to convey her intentions.

Already knowing very well what was to come, he inwardly sighed. Masking it with a smooth smirk, he leaned towards her in a painfully slow pace. Her breath hinged, excited to have won him over. When she expected him to kiss her and closed her eyes joyfully in anticipation, she felt his warm breath near her ear. It gave her a shiver of pleasure. "Don't you know I don't do more than one night," he said rather sternly, devoid of any expected huskiness or playfulness. Her eyes flew open to his hard face. The piercing look in his eyes involuntarily making her flinch. Pulling his hand away from her, he walked off, unattached. She averted her gaze and huffed. Oh, how she had dreamt that she would be the one to tame him! Who knew he would turn out to be a dick like the other girls had said.

Siddharth stood under the shower, as he let the cold water numb his nerves. He closed his eyes in frustration and clenched his fist. Why? Why couldn't he remember?

"Damn it," he punched the sidewall of the washroom. His rage burned him, the chill of the cold water not standing a chance to cool him down. He was enraged at himself. Enraged that he had forgotten. He didn't know what it was that he had forgotten, but he knew it was important. What the hell is it?

Only he could understand how frustrating every day was for him.

His dad thought it was fortunate that his skills had remained unchanged, though his memories had vanished as if they had never existed. While Siddharth did not find anything fortunate in the pain he was dealing with, his father seemed obliviously glad.

Frustration, loneliness, confusion, helplessness and an undefinable rage filled his being every now and then. He was advised to not overthink, to live in his present, to remain calm and accepting.

"Accepting?!" He scoffed loudly, as he ran his hands over his wet hair and grinded his teeth.

He heard shuffling and a door banged shut; she was gone. He clicked his tongue, letting all the body wash rinse off before getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist.

He shouldn't focus on things that are lost. Slowly, he can build his own past, though not from the scratch. And that would ease his mind- his father had tried to convince him. Siddharth, however, knew otherwise. There was never a day when he hadn't thought of his past. A blank slate and a blank mind weren't as calming as one would usually imagine, he had learnt. He needed to stop thinking. And to persuade his mind out of it, he found a weak way out; he admitted. He wasn't a manwhore, he repeated to himself for the millionth time. But. It was another thing that he could not shake off the feeling of being one, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise.

Solely depending on s** to escape from his problems... he knew that's what he was doing.
Could he ever feel strong when he's clinging to something so stupid to protect himself? Would he ever be proud of what he's becoming?

Sighing away those thoughts, his eyes roamed the room, taking in his reflection in the mirror. His dripping wet hair, his slumped shoulders, the empty room with a used bed and his clothes that lay on the floor. He was slowly getting used to this scene. The scene of his unwelcomed but never leaving incompleteness.

***

Tarun, his best friend, sat next to him after the football match, sweat dripping from his face. "Bro, You should stop already."

Sid turned to him, wiping his sweaty neck with a face towel, ignoring the girls drooling over him from outside the window. "Stop what?"

"Sleeping, with those," his eyes traveled to the bunch of girls, as he took a towel out of his bag.

"Tarun, I get it that you've settled down now. But I'm not in love with anyone, okay?" Sid voiced rather loudly, frustrated of having heard the same thing more than once. "When you were single, you-"

"And I regret it. A lot more than I can ever explain. That's why, I'm telling you, Sid, stop it. Else, you'll end up feeling... undeserving." Tarun suddenly looked broken.

"Undeserving? Of what?" He asked softly.

"Of love. From the one you love. Of her, who loves you enough to make you feel guilty of ever having been with other girls. Even though they meant nothing to you." Tarun frowned, not hiding his regret.

Siddharth stared at his best friend and a small smile took over his lips. "She doesn't blame you."

Tarun sighed. "Making it harder for me..." he turned to face Siddharth, "When you fall for someone, I don't want you suffering the same."

"Me?!" He barked out a laugh, following a moment of chilling silence, his eyes holding no joy. "I can't handle my own self, from where will I handle love?" He smirked to hide his emotions.

"You think I could handle myself, before I met Nisha? After Rita left me, I had no idea what I wanted. I was like a lost kid," he chuckled humorlessly. "But then, Nisha came along. She changed everything. She made me trust her, and I just... surrendered. That's what happens in love, bro. You look at her and you can't look away. You don't think, you just... give in."

"Damn! Look at you! A total Softie," Sid teased, shaking his head slightly.

Tarun's gaze hardened, "Shut up."

Sid's smirked. "I was just telling the truth," he shrugged.

Tarun turned serious. "Sid, I was thinking of joining the strength training session at the Gym. Why don't you come along? I heard Hari say that they Kill you, every day," he laughed. "Don't you think, it's a perfect alternative."

Sid thought over it. "Hmm... A different way to sweat it off, ha?"

Tarun laughed with him, not knowing that he had just shown his friend a much needed new direction.