Dually Devoted ✓

CHAPTER 26

Siddharth climbed on his Royal Enfield and glanced back at the burger place again. The place wasn't anything special. But it gave him a nostalgic feel. A weird anger rose within him. He wanted to barge in there and... do what exactly? He exhaled a long breath, put on his helmet and left the place.

It was getting dark and the headlights of vehicles were illuminating the road, having not many shops nearby. Without a warning, it started to rain. A heavy downpour. He parked his bullet on the side of the road and zipped his leather jacket close. The rain, as he experienced it, was weakening him, like it always does. It triggered some undefinable emotion in him, or were they a mix of emotions?

Suddenly, he felt an urge to let go of this act and cry! He gritted his jaw, holding in a scream of absolute frustration. As he closed his eyes, for a moment, he felt like he had a fever, like his body was heavy, burning and weak. Was he really running a fever? He wasn't though and he knew that. He reprimanded himself. By now, he should have become immune to these imaginations of his. Feelings of his unknown past maddening him. He never saw any glimpses or got any dreams. But suddenly, the emotions that he must have once experienced hit him like thunder on the slightest of hints. He must have had a fever and it must have rained then, he concluded. Someone must have taken care of him. Maybe his mother, or his dad. He didn't know who it was, but he longed for someone's care. Someone in particular, yet unknown. Why do these unanswered questions and incomplete emotions control him so? They caused such a rage-inducing confusion, he sighed a long sigh.

He wasn't feeling fine at all. He always preferred staying at home or at least indoor when it rains. Rain was one of those things that drenched his mind completely in ache, loneliness, and a mad, crazy urge to cry his heart out. Maybe the part of him which remembered his mother was calling out to her. But he couldn't even sanely miss her. For he knew nothing about her. Though, his body did. And that was why, his body was still aching, needing some solace. As if all he wanted was someone's hand on his forehead, checking if he was fine; he grew restless. His eyes searched for that someone, as tears filled them. "Grow up, dammit!" He slapped the bike, then holding his helmet-covered-face in his palms. Closing his eyes, and pushing his tears in. After a few moments of just staying so, and convincing himself to not think of how pathetic a state he was in, he took off for the gym.

He... had decided. He wasn't going to think of any such thing that looked familiar to him anymore. Half of the things in this world triggered some stupid feeling or the other. Some of them were really strong but many a time, it just caused him to give it a second or third glance. He had to stop being like this.

No matter how familiar something looks, sounds or feels, it has nothing to do with me. He told himself. They are just illusions, imaginations and nothing of importance. They can control you only if you let them.

All those emotions mean nothing. Face it, you're alone. That was his new mantra, a determination sparkled in his black burning eyes.

***

Arpita wore his neon t-shirt again. The only t-shirt of his that she had. Arnav hated neon colors. So, after trying to wear it once and on Addy's insistence, twice, he had wanted to give it away. Prompting her to steal it from his cupboard, without his own notice. Wearing it now, after years of that incident, she was standing in front of the mirror with a crystal clear memory of each minute of that day. She stared at herself, emotionlessly. Whenever she had worn it before, at night or with a sweater, it had made her so very happy. He hadn't known what it was, for she always hid it from him but he had always asked, 'Is this your favourite sweater or something?' She would just smile, making sure that his stolen shirt remains a secret from him.

This t-shirt made her glow. Or that was what Addison had told her. As if she's wearing a precious diamond necklace, Addy would tease. Her puffy eyes watered again at the memory.

She had learnt to fake a smile after these past few years. These past few months, Violet told her she seemed to be improving. At least, it seemed so, to them. But she really had improved in one aspect- hiding her pain. She could smile, chuckle and say she was fine, though she had no idea what being fine in this state meant. However, she had promised Arnav something. After realizing why he had left her, she had promised herself the same too. Thus, she couldn't cry all the time like she wanted to. She couldn't wail in self-pity. That's not what Arnav would've wanted. And that made her try to live, knowing Arnav would be happy with this progress. No one cared what she was happy with. Selfish. They were all selfish.

Tears rolled down her cheeks. The whole time in college, she had made studying her distraction. Even on her semester leaves.

A few days back, she had graduated. Now that suddenly everyone was chilling and partying, and she didn't yet know what exactly was the work she would be allotted in the company where she was placed, she had nothing to do. No work meant no distraction. And it was problematic.

She had moved to her new place, cleaned, shopped and arranged everything. She hadn't given herself free time for these few days. But she ended up being free in the end today. She knew she wouldn't get any sleep. Just like many of such nights. Not a wink. With her tear-stained face, and the silence consuming her, she felt anything but strong as she continued to weep. The silence... was threatening. Threatening to make her real broken-self come to light. A harsh cry left her mouth as she sobbed and dropped to her knees.

Why?
Just why?
Was she that unlovable? Was her love that avoidable? Was she so pathetic?

Why couldn't she have a family like all the others had? Why couldn't she have a mother who would dress her up for graduation, and a dad who would click pictures of them? Why couldn't she have a normal family?

And when she had finally accepted someone as family, trusting for him to stay with her always, why was he to leave?

Did thinking of such things make her an ungrateful person?
To Addy and Vi who stood by her?

She loved them and was grateful for everything they did for her. She felt... indebted. And that was a feeling she couldn't brush off. A feeling that reminded her that no matter how much of a family they were, she was but giving them more work.

"It's my right and duty. Am I not your best friend for life?" Addy had jested, softly reassuring her. Duty- she repeated in her mind. She was giving them duties that weren't meant to be theirs.

Even Addison's father had visited him during his graduation. It was only her, her alone, who did not have anyone except her friends. The friends who had most probably cancelled their plans just for her. Just so that she wouldn't feel like an orphan, though she was one. She was being a burden, she told herself. After all, she wasn't the old Arpita anymore, who could help Addy whenever he needed, and who could genuinely laugh and jest with him. She wasn't the friend with whom he wouldn't need to be careful with his words or reluctant to even grin. The person she was now only made him ask her frequently- 'You'll tell me if you're feeling down right?' She'd only nod, not telling him that it makes her wonder every time, how could she call herself his family, when all she was doing was causing him to worry?

She knew Addy cared for her, loved her like his own sister. But was she giving him the joy a sister's love provides? The answer was obvious to her, and it only made more tears spill down her cheeks.

She must really be unlovable, 'a fool' as Arnav called her. She troubled the one who had done so much for her and when he went away, she was troubling the one who was trying to help her heal. She was supposed to be an independent woman now. A working woman. And look at her, sobbing and wailing over things that had happened years ago. She hadn't changed at all.

This is such a waste of my time; she rubbed her tears away from the edge of her palm and got up. She was such a waste of everyone's time. Everyone wanted her to move on. But that was one thing she never seemed capable of doing.

She wasn't capable of making her loved ones happy.
No wonder Arnav had left her.

***
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