Out Of My Head

"Join me."

Kylo's slow breathing, matched with the soft beeping and humming of the command shuttle, was enough to calm your nerves, letting you know you were nowhere near that place. The place you were practically summoned to. The place you were forced into regressions of former lives. Former lives that were drenched in darkness and evil.

You've been an employee, a member of The First Order for as long as you could remember but not once have you ever felt like you were a bad person. Was it all true? Was that really your soul in other lives? Did you really kill people and work with the voice of a thousand deaths?

Your mind drifted to the images that figure in the stones played in your mind. The murders and hatred that plagued the thoughts

"Vader..." You whispered, not fully realizing you had spoken the name out loud until you felt Kylo's eyes scanning over you.

"What did you say?" His tone was a mixture of intrigue and warning. He was curious, wanting to know why you said the name and what you saw back there, but something told you to tread lightly on the subject.

You turned to see Kylo studying your face. His helmet sat on the floor of the ship, his amber irises scanned over your expression, watching as your features changed from worried, to fear, to confusion. You gulped down the lump forming in your throat before you spoke.

"That thing, whatever was in the stone wall, said to see my pasts....."

"And did you?" Kylo shifted the shuttle to auto pilot, swiftly unlatched his safety harness, and spun out of his chair to kneel by your side. "Did you see your pasts?" His tone now seemed eager. A lonely tear broke free and trailed down your cheek and your head dropped.

"I think so..." Another whisper passed your lips.

"What did you see, Starseed?" His hand snaked up your cheek, wiping away the lone tear, to fall and cup your chin. He lifted your head so your eyes met. You studied his face. You watched as his eyes moved back and forth, scanning yours.

"Bad things." Your head dropped again. You were finding it hard to keep eye contact with the commander. Something in those regressions enlightened you on a few things you didn't want to know about him. The way the saber kept changing colors with each life, after every kill, until it was finally blood red in the last image. Was it the deaths of the innocents that caused the blade to change?

"Yes." Kylo answered your unspoken question, making your eyes shoot to him. Your heart sank as he confirmed your suspicions. "The reason why a saber turns red is because its original color has been corrupted by the dark side. Acts of violence and malice....evil, can corrupt any kyber crystal."

"So Vader....was he once a good man?" Your voice was hardly an audible whisper as the question passed your lips.

Kylo stayed kneeling by your side but his feature turned stiff as stone. His eyes glazed over as if he was lost in thought, completely dazed off into the galaxy.

"Kylo...." The tip of your fingers brushed his cheek slightly. You went to retract your hand when his massive one snatched yours up, holding it in a crushing grasp.

"You do not speak of him!" Kylo growled, squeezing tighter and tighter on your fragile hands as the seconds passed.

Just then the auto pilot sprung to life, letting off a loud alarm and letting you know you were ready to descend to the destroyer. Waves of anger, sadness, and guilt began to wash over you. You wanted out of the shuttle and away from the commander.

When the shuttle landed, you hardly waited for the engine to stop before you pushed the controls, dropping the hatch, and ran from the ship. You were covered in dry mud from your toes to your ears. Hard, heavy sobs shook your frame and waterfalls of tears washed down your face. Every eye in the command hangar was on you, studying your atrocious appearance, but you didn't care. You needed to get away, needed to get to your cabin and put distance between you and the commander.