Someone That I left Behind

Memory of Mhee Part 2

Author's note : If you're not comfortable about mental instability, please skip this chapter. I got a family member with a condition, so this was written from my point of view only, not everybody experienced the same condition. Please seek help if you need to talk to someone. Thank you.

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P'Mhee

Joong was changed. I didn't know what happened during his training, but he was changed, and not in a good way.

The joyful, vibrant youth that left me 2 months ago, was back as a dark moody man. He rarely smiled, looked haggard and prefer solitude than being with people. I was asking him repeatedly if there's something he wanted to talk to me about, but he remained in his shell and stayed quiet. Sometimes, I could see him shaking when the room wasn't even that cold, and be nervous in a crowd. Something was badly off.

The worst thing was, I couldn't even call Nine for help. Because Nine had become the person he avoided the most. I almost felt liked something was about to break when they were together in a room. Nine was confused, and also angry. At first, he tried to reason, that Joong needed time, he kept being positive and approached Joong so many times, but after 2 weeks of no progress, Nine started to be aloof too. I felt liked they were back again at the start, when they first met; the distance, the judgement, the animosity. How come two people who were inseparable became worse than strangers like this?

I was clueless and confused too. Although I never interfere in personal affairs of the artists, I felt the need to talk to Joong, whether he wanted to or not. So, after everybody was off from the training room. I held Joong back, telling him that there's something I needed to discuss about.

Joong agreed to stay. We sat on the dance room floor facing each other. Joong was looking at me, emotionless. The eyes were so empty, like nothing was running in his head. But the façade was useless. I could detect the start of an anxious shakes of his fingers that he had laced together so tightly to stop the movements.

"Joong, stop holding back, please. Let off whatever is disturbing you, P' beg you", I said directly, because I didn't think I got much time. Joong was still aloof, his eyes were darting nervously, but he remained quiet.

"Are you worried about Nine? That P' will tell him? P' promise it will just be between us. P' want to help you, but you need to talk. Please...", I pried his hands opened and held them tightly in mine. The shaking was getting bad. But I could feel the courage he tried to muster to start to talk.

"I don't want to do it anymore".

"Don't want to do what?"

"The project P', the project that is starting next month".

"The one you were training for?".

"Yes. It was a weird training to begin with, but I went through with it. To be prepared, to commit, to be professional. But after a month went by, I was starting to lose the essence of myself, liked I was in someone else mind, someone else body. Yet, I still continued, until the end. But it was already creeping up on me, the feeling of not being able to control my feeling, my actions, that sometimes I feel like I can hurt...someone".

"God, my poor child... is that why you avoided Nine? Is he...that someone that you feel conflicted about?". Joong nodded, and just liked that the tears that he'd been holding on for so long, falling down liked a river. "I needed him to hold me, but I am so afraid that I will lose myself and do something to him. It's getting harder to sleep, and when I did, dark mess kept coming into my dreams, and that confuses my mind so much more".

I gave Joong the tightest hug that I could. My baby was getting hurt. I needed to talk to P'Toei about canceling the project. It was not worth it, to see Joong like this was too heartbreaking.

But how to convey this to the stone cold Mr.Kla? My mind was in turmoil.

Mr.Kla scared me so much. At first I only saw that he was a ruthless businessman, quite common in a business world, but lately I had detected that more than any other artists, he treated Joong liked an obsession. I kept Joong as secluded as I could from this fact. He didn't need to know the scary world of the adult mind too early. Let his innocence and passion be a drive for him to work to the fullest ability.

But, the uneasy feeling of a senior artist manager was never wrong. The project itself was accepted too rashly. A decision made without discussion, which was a rare occurrence in any business dealings. I felt guilty, as I was the messenger that sent the news to Joong, even though the decision was not mine to begin with. But in the end the power of a manager was just to this limit, even P'Toei disagreement was dismissed easily.

"Joong, we'll get help, okay. And yes, I won't tell any soul. You know how tight I hold on to a promise, right?". I wiped away the stain of tears on his face.

For the first time in 2 weeks, Joong finally gave a smile.

I felt a ray of hope.