Someone That I left Behind

Frozen

Joong

"You managed to give me a heart attack everytime you answered that question Joong", P'Mhee gave me a hard look.

I looked at him, and he knew what I meant.

"I beg you, stop asking me about him. I didn't know. He left the company years ago Joong. I was his manager, yes, but that's where the boundary was set. You also know my stand, never interfere in personal affair, unless it affected the company".

"You know what P', because you're with me this long, I know you kept something from me". P'Mhee's eyes quivered.

P'Mhee was liked a brother rather than a manager to both of us. Although he never interfered in personal issue, he knew a lot being a capable manager and also a caring person.

When Nine left, I couldn't work for a long while. I couldn't concentrate. Most of my time was spent bugging everyone who's related to him, and almost liked a bad storyline, people were just as clueless as me.

Until one day, P'Mhee said this, "Be a big star Joong. When you are one, people will find him for you". Since then, I worked relentlessly. And, yes, I finally understood P'Mhee's word. A story of a superstar's past would add sugar to the gossip. For the past three years, people started to wonder what happened to Nine. Our series was once a talked about drama, not just because of a controversial change of line up, but also because the fans finally accepted that both seasons were equally good.

Stories kept getting posted of Nine's mysterious exit from the industry, fans story of meeting him somewhere, the look alike that almost but not Nine. How did he look now? In my mind, he's frozen to the same lovely face of a younger Nine. Both handsome and beautiful, an enigma. And that broke my heart a million times over, I missed him desperately at time like this.

"Sometimes P', I hope you didn't stay upright this much. That's how desperate I am right now, that I wanted to corrupt you, just for you to spill whatever it is that you kept tight inside there", I said this out of my frustration and started to leave.

"He left for your sake, and at that time I understood his decision..". I stood still. This was the first time P'Mhee hinted of something related to Nine. He always chose silence rather than answering any of my suspicion. "..and as much as I love you... I really wanted Nine to be happy".

"And so, his happiness was to be away from me?".

"No, his happiness is you".

"Then, why?"

"You knew the answer to that Joong, if after 10 years you didn't, then that's a damn long time to play dumb".

Nine

".. but I will".

That eyes screamed a strong will. Hunter. His boyish eagerness had turned into something more dangerous, determination.

How long would I be able to stay here.

This was the fifth place I changed to. It wasn't easy not to be recognized. My appearance changed much, I no longer had that ethereal beauty as what the fan said in my debut years. I toughened up being a common worker, no make up, no stylist, no fancy setting or pampering. This was a real world.

With the rise of Joong's fame, came the curiosity of fans about me as well, my picture which was long buried after my departure from the industry kept coming back online. Everytime fans of him managed to find a bit of me, they tagged him to it, our old videos and pictures was used as comparison. I felt that the peaceful albeit a little lonely world I created was crashed and burnt in the past three years.

"Nai.." my co-worker, P'Mook's tap on my shoulder awaken me from my busy thought. P'Mook was Joong's fan, and also my friend. She knew who I was right from my first day working here, being a fan of our series back then. She knew the gossip and rumor that surrounded Joong and I, and never judged.

"Yes P', something you need me to help with?".

"You'd seen the interview, right? Why am I not surprised. Lucky your work here is not directly with the customer, or else, people will swarm this place just to tagged him".

"I don't want to have to move anywhere else, P'. This, here is my home now. You are my best friend".

"Nai, things that happened was in the past, you don't know what this present day will bring. Answer me honestly. No judgement whatsoever. You kept following everything about Joong, more so than me as his fan, in those heart of yours, don't you want him to find you?. You saw him grew, God of course he is always handsome, but more so now..oopss.. sorry I'm gushing.. you wanted him to see you as you are now too, right?".

I contemplated what to answer. Truth? Half truth? Defend?. In the end, I chose to just follow my feelings.

"Yes. I wanted to be found. I wanted him to see me. But the bigger urge was to run away. And I chose the later".

"You know, when I was in the J9 fandom, we always tagged J9isreal all the time. You guys dismissed it though, but understandable from business point of view, it created confusion to pair you both up with anyone else later. The fandom teased, but honestly, we also wanted you guys to see it from our eyes. We were your mirror, that sacred mirror that if only at that time you guys get closer enough, might show you the truth".

P'Mook's words hold some truth. Both of us were young.

We fear the truth and avoided looking at the mirror.

Should I stop running then?

"Isn't it too late, P'. He is too big of a star for me to hold now".

"Hah..as if he ever was a small one to begin with, that giant baby will always be that, a giant.."

"You know that's not what I meant"

"Kidding Nai..Kidding". P'Mook teased me with that holy word and it brought back a smile to my face.

"Whatever you choose Nai, all I wish is for you to stop crying".

"When did I do that P'?".

P'Mook just raised her hand and placed it on my heart.

It seemed, sadness didn't even need any tears to spill.