Ashlyn has never been particularly brave. She's friendly and she can be blunt and she's definitely not shy, but she's not brave, either. She doesn't like confrontation. She's afraid of taking risks.
This sucks when she has crushes.
E.J. always (ALWAYS) tells her to make the first move, to ask them out, to have courage. Joseph from third grade, Brandon from fifth, Kasey from seventh. "Just do it, Ash," he'd say, which was easy for him since every girl he ever talked to was practically falling over themselves for his attention. "What do you have to lose?"
And she's never had anything to lose, not really. She knows that she is a valuable person. She's always loved herself, been comfortable in her skin, even if sometimes it's been difficult to stay that way. She's never been terribly concerned with the opinions of others. If the little boys had dismissed her without a second thought, sent her packing, she would have cried a little but it wouldn't have crushed her. It would have hurt - a lot - but she would have recovered. She knows this. But it was just easier, to duck her head and keep walking when everything in her wanted to slow down, say 'hi,' ask about what these crushes had done over the weekend.
And then Big Red happened.
She's not sure when it started. She's not even sure when she met him. She doesn't even know IF she met him. All she knows is that before, she didn't care about the scrawny, skateboardy, silly red-haired kid and that after, she did. She didn't tell E.J., because E.J., despite the fact that he was much more accepting and supportive than anyone would expect from someone who could easily be on the cover of GQ, wouldn't understand. He doesn't dislike Big Red, but he doesn't care much for him, either. E.J. is athletic and musical and talented and cool, and Big Red is... not. E.J. is a good guy, and Ashlyn knows it, but he has somewhat of a narcissist inside of him. If someone can't help him get somewhere, he's not super concerned about them. It's a shortcoming, and it's one that kept her from voicing the feelings that had started fluttering inside her stomach.
Besides, she knows what E.J. would say. "Just go for it," he'd say. "What have you got to lose?"
This time? A lot.
She knows that Big Red is sweet and considerate and good, and that he would never reject her in a way that he thought would hurt her. He would let her down gently, let her know that it wasn't her as a person that didn't attract him, but it would still be a rejection and this one would break her heart. She doesn't think she could handle hearing Big Red tell her, directly, face-to-face, no room for questions, that he does not return her affections. It would crush her. It would hurt very, very badly. And Ashlyn does not feel like dealing with those kind of emotions.
***
And then the musical. It's been years (years!) since she started liking Big Red's hair and smile and gentle, easy manner from a distance. It was safe, you know? Like if she never got too close, she could never get too hurt. But now, suddenly, due to Ricky's impulsive audition, she sees Big Red everywhere. He'll smile at her in the halls. He's in her math class. He's here, there, and everywhere while they're rehearsing, and she's missed more than one line because he's standing off to the side where he won't bother anyone, watching.
She tries not to dwell on the fact that he's smiling more often than he's not as he watches her.
***
They talk, sometimes. E.J. frowns at this, mostly because Red is Ricky's friend and Ricky is E.J.'s rival, but Ashlyn doesn't care about her cousin's easily bruised male ego. She and Big Red discuss the skills of the cast, the fresh and exciting ideas that they've all come up with, and Ashlyn feels her heart skipping a little every time he catches her eye to roll his at Carlos' dramatics. (To be fair, though, as she observes to Red later, it is drama club.)
