The apartment was eerily quiet when Spot came home. He didn't hear the TV or the shower running. Spot dropped his things by the door and went to the bedroom to look for Race.
Spot found Race sitting on the bed. He was wearing sweatpants and an old t shirt. He didn't look up at Spot when he came in. Spot felt his throat get tight. Race didn't get like this unless something was wrong. Spot knew he had to do something.
Spot sat down as gently as he could next to Race. Race wasn't looking at him, his eyes trained on the bed. Spot could see him chewing his lip, something he only did when he was upset.
"Okay, Race," Spot started. Race's eyes darted up at his name but returned quickly to the bed. "I'm going to talk to you. If I say anything wrong or you don't want to talk about it, you just say stop. Does that work for you?" Spot didn't think Race was even going to talk.
Race nodded anyways. His hands were tucked in his lap, clutching the hem of his shirt. He looked like he was holding himself there, making sure he didn't bolt.
Spot took a deep breath before he started. "I don't know what's going on but I feel like you're trying to punish yourself."
"Stop." Race said, not looking up.
Spot blew out a breath, annoyed at himself. Pointing out the obvious wasn't fair. It just sounded like he was blaming Race for things he wasn't to blame for. He tried to explain it better. "You aren't sleeping. You used to curl up with me and sleep all day but now-"
"Stop." Race said, harsher this time. His knuckles were white. Spot could see his chest heaving for breath.
Spot didn't know what to say. He wanted to talk to Race but he couldn't upset him. "I'm worried about you."
"Stop." Race's eyes were screwed shut. Spot could see blood on his lip where he was biting down.
Spot moved closer to Race, slowly so Race could avoid him. Race didn't move away. Spot laid a hand on his knee, gently enough that Race could shake him off if he wanted to. "Race, baby-"
"Stop." Race said. His voice shook, his eyes opening to stare at Spot. "I don't want to talk anymore."
Spot bit back the part of him that wanted to point out that Race hadn't done any talking. He nodded, moving closer to Race. "We don't have to talk. Is it okay if I touch you?"
"It's okay." Race kept watching him as he took Race gently into his arms. Race relaxed against his chest, his thumb running back and forth against his bloody lip. Spot rested his chin on the top of Race's head, holding him tightly. He could feel Race shaking against him, struggling to calm down. Spot didn't say anything, worried he would upset him.
Race closed his eyes, his hands fisting in Spot's shirt. His breathing took a long time to steady. Spot felt useless the whole time. Eventually Race let go of his shirt, his lips ghosting across Spot's jaw. Spot stopped holding him so tightly, relaxing his arms so Race could shift in his lap.
"I'm sorry." He said against Spot's neck.
Spot rubbed his arm, kissing his forehead. "It's okay. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
Race nodded to himself. He sunk into Spot's arms, his head falling forward to rest against Spot's chest. Spot was sure he could feel his heartbeat pounding. "I deserve it." He said, his voice extremely muffled.
Spot hoped Race didn't hear his heart skip. "What?" He managed, his voice escaping him.
Race didn't answer for a minute. Spot thought maybe he was done talking. He wouldn't be surprised. Race took a shaky breath and spoke again. "Everything that happened. I deserved it still."
It took Spot a long moment to place what Race was referring to. He didn't want to say it out loud. "Can you explain?"
Race's breath shuddered. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. "I deserve to be hurt."
Spot knew his heart didn't beat correctly. Race heard it and pulled away from Spot like he had been burned. He moved to sit between Spot's legs, curling up to put his head on his knees.
Spot didn't know what to do. He was keenly aware of Race's childhood. He knew of the abuse that colored his past. He thought Race was doing better after all the years. His stomach rolled at the realization that he had been wrong.
"Race-" he started.
Race cut him off. His voice sounded cold, but Spot could see him shaking again. "Stop it. You don't need to be so worked up about it."
"I wasn't worked up." Spot tried to protest. He was lost for words.
"You were, I heard your heart." Race had his face hidden. Spot wished he would look at him.
"I was just surprised." Spot said weakly. He didn't want Race to think he didn't care. He didn't know how to express concern without upsetting Race more. "You didn't deserve to be hurt."
Race looked up at Spot. His cheeks were shiny with tears. He looked a little bit angry. "Yes, I did-"
Spot interrupted him. He knew logically it was a bad idea but he couldn't take what Race was saying. "No one deserves it. Race, I know you went through hell but you're out now. It's not going to happen again. You don't need to punish yourself just because you think you deserve it."
Race's eyebrows furrowed. "You can't just say that." Race looked like he was going to shut down again.
Spot reached for his hand. He knew it probably wasn't a good idea but he needed to touch Race. He held Race's hand as gently as he possibly could, slowly moving closer to Race. Race stayed perfectly still, watching Spot with his troubled expression. Spot stopped when Race was against his chest again. "Race," he said, his voice quiet. "You deserve everything good."
Race laid his head back on Spot's chest. "I don't," he said, barely above a whisper.
Spot combed his fingers gently through Race's hair, trying to calm him down. "You do," he said. "You deserve to be soft. You deserve slow kisses and gentle touches. You deserve to be held and loved. Race, you deserve to be okay."
Race took a long and shaky breath. "I don't deserve you."
Spot moved his hands to Race's face. He carefully coaxed Race to look at him. "You deserve this." He kissed Race's cheek, feather light. "You deserve the sun," he kissed Race's forehead, "and the moon," he kissed his other cheek, "and the stars." He kissed Race softly on his lips, his hands steady on Race's face. Race kissed him back, fisting his hands in Spot's shirt.
Spot knew how this might go on a normal night. How Race's hands would push his shirt up and trace his ribs till the kisses became more desperate. Spot knew this wasn't going to happen tonight.
He kissed Race softly, careful not to push him. Race was gentle and compliant, slowly relaxing against Spot. Spot kissed him until he was sure Race was calm.
He pulled away from Race, staying close. "Are you tired?" He was afraid to raise his voice above a whisper.
Race looked a little bit dazed. He blinked at Spot and finally nodded.
"Will you sleep?" Spot was careful not to push Race.
Race nodded again. He waited while Spot laid down before laying down himself. He curled back against Spot, his back pressed to Spot's chest. Spot wrapped his arm around Race's waist, holding him close.
"I love you." Spot said against the back of Race's neck. He felt Race stiffen, his hand grabbing Spot's arm. "It's okay," Spot said quickly. "You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know it."
Race relaxed again. Spot heard him breathing, deep enough that Spot thought he had fallen asleep. Finally he spoke into the dark of the room. "I love you too."
Spot fought to keep from grinning, instead kissing Race's neck once. "Goodnight."
Spot stayed awake until he was sure Race was asleep. He held him tightly, a reminder that he was here and he wasn't going to hurt him. He finally drifted off once Race was asleep, his arms wrapped around him, never letting go.
