ANTI - Oscar Diaz

32

I moved around and smashed the windshield hard

Hit after Hit

"Robyn stop." I could hear Keisha but i wasn't going to listen

I was seeing red.

I could feel hands pulling me away from the car but i didnt want to stop.

I couldn't hurt him as much as i would like to.
I just couldn't.

And i couldn't hurt the poor girl.
And not the baby. That baby was innocent.

I got out of the person's hold and made a move to swing the bat at whoever it was.

But i stopped once i realised it was Oscar.

He hadn't said a word.

Even standing there i couldn't read his face. 
He kept it blank.

I wanted to scream.
I wanted him to say something.
I wanted an explanation

He gave me the impression that he waited for me for four years like i waited for him only for me to realise that he lied.

He got with another girl. And now she was pregnant.

If he lied about that then he could've lied about anything including my brother's shooting.

My hands went to my sides.
I looked over to see Chico, Pablo and Benji standing there each one of them with their heads down.

And then I saw her.
She was peaking through the curtains.

I could see it.
Me swinging my bat so hard, it connecting with his head.
He would fall on the ground.
I would get on top of him and kept swinging till the remains of his brain was everywhere even on me.

I would've killed him
I wanted to.

But all i did was turn around and got in the car.

Keisha didn't waste a second and pulled away from the house.

I sat there looking at my hands.

The blood from that one faithful night on my hands.

The pain i felt whilst Chico drove me to the hospital
The heart ripping revelation that i had lost my baby that night coming back to mind.

It was like i was floating. My soul and mind was disconnected from my body.

I could see that we were  in the city now in Keisha's apartment and we were in the elevator.

I caught a glimpse of myself.

I didn't even recognise who this girl was. 

I let Keisha pull me into her apartment and thats when everyhing started to connect.

I walked over to the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest

Her belly popping in my mind.

She was definitely due in a few months.

I wondered if they already knew the sex.
If it was going to be a girl or a boy.

"What happened?" I could see Laurice come into the room slowly walking over to me.

I raised my head and looked at her. I didn't even realise i was crying so much.

It hurts.

"She's pregnant.  He's going to be a father Lau." I cried and she instantly pulled me into a hug.

I couldn't control my cries.
I was choking on my own tears

"That was suppose to be me Lau. I was suppose to give him his first child.  I didn't deserve everything that happened." I choked up.

"I didn't deserve losing my little girl. I didn't fucking deserve it.Any of it" I screamed in anger.

"Robyn, please stop. Dont torture yourself ma.I'm so sorry."She was crying with me.

I wanted to stop crying.
I couldn't. 

I felt sorry for everyone that cried silently alone in their room.
Holding in their pain.
As they slowly started to break.
No one there for them
No one could ever understand

God knows i myself was holding in so much.

I wasn't a tough girl.
I was broken.

"I don't think i can do this anymore." I cried harder.

I wanted it to end.
I wanted this pain to end.
But i knew nothing could take this pain away.

I had to live with the fact that there was another girl giving him something i wanted to give to him so badly. 

That was suppose to be me.

I was the one he needed to be standing protectively infront of.
I was supposed to be the one holding my bump protectively from any danger

"I can't do this Lau." I was wailing at this point.

I didn't care if the neighbours heard me.
I didn't even care if the whole of california heard me.

I didn't want to be here anymore.
I wanted out of this world

I'll rather die than live with this pain.

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This was the hardest chapter to write.