this is from Tumblr and therefore I cannot make any edits except fixing spelling mistakes! enjoy :)
if somebody hurts your body by kicking it for example you get a bruise. But this bruise will heal after a time. Maybe it will leave a mark. But if you look at it you will just say "Oh yeah I remember somebody kicked me and that's how it happened." But if somebody calls you names. You won't forget it. Even though it's not visible it will leave a mark on your soul. In your mind. And if you remember those words you will say "Oh I remember when he/she called me that. Maybe she/he is right." And you will start feeling bad again.
No matter how much you twist and turn it it will hurt. It won't stop. And hurts even more if you hear such things from somebody you love. Somebody you adore. Days, Weeks and Months have passed and I'm still repeating those words in my head. Still feeling this sharp pain in my chest. I say those words to myself just like when somebody says his last prayer. I forgot all the songs I used to know. I forgot the other things he used to tell me. Heck I forgot how it felt like when you were happy.
Maybe he showed me his real face. Maybe he was right about what he said. Maybe it's all my fault. Not just those words are driving me insane, no. It's also this uncertainty. I'm not sure. About nothing. And it drives me crazy. Probably I just should call him or just ask him. But I can't I don't have the guts or the power for it. I know it will all become better. I know the pain will stop somehow. But I just feel like dying. Without the relief. If you think who the hell I'm talking about I'll tell you.
I'm talking about my still love of my life but now ex boyfriend. Brent Seabrook. It all happened last year. We spent beautiful days with each other. Sometimes we fought now and then. But if I'm honest we had a great time. A wonderful relationship. But everything has to end somehow. Today was one of those days were the stinging in my chest became to ripping my heart out and playing with my mind. My parents where out of town so I was alone at home. Having nothing to do than just cry. Often people tell me that alcohol helps when you are dying. It won't take away the problems. But it will take away your pain for a few hours. And trust me if you are in pain for months. A few moments without it will feel like heaven. Luckily my dad was the type of man who would drink a few beer or wine sometimes even vodka. I walked to our cabinet and grabbed some bottles. I didn't even bother to pour it into a glass. I just drank it. To be honest I hated alcohol it disgusted me. It still does but guess what I'm already disgusted with myself so who cares right? After a few sips my gagging reflex calmed down and I could drink it. The prickling wasn't that bad. It kinda felt good somehow. After a few empty bottles I could consider myself as pissed drunk. Even though I never was drunk I knew three things about drunk people.
1. Drunks are way more open towards people
2. Drunks tell the truth.
3. Drunks can't control their selves.
And with control I mean they can't control their thinking not walking. Well that too. I grabbed my phone and dialed Brent's number. I didn't even know why I just did. After the second ring he picked up.
"Hello?" his voice was groggy. Probably because I woke him up. It was 2 in the morning. This was the first time I ever heard his voice after months. And even the hardest drink couldn't take away my pain right now.
"Why" I croaked out. Tears silently making their way down my eyes.
"Drea?" he asked confused.
"Tell me why. Why did you leave me? Why didn't you keep your promise?" I sobbed right now. I knew if I'd wake up tomorrow I'd hate myself even more for showing him how much he hurt me.
"It's 2 in the morning. Wait are you drunk?" he asked surprised.
"Yes. Wouldn't have thought it right?" I sassed
"Where are you parents? Are you okay?" he asked all worried.
"Quit the bullshit. I'm not okay since the day you left me. And you know that." I spat trying to control my sobs.
"Drea I'm coming over." he said and hung up.
I don't know why. I really don't know why but in that moment I anger build up in me so fast and so hard. I threw my phone against the wall and watched it break in million of pieces. I threw chairs around, kicked tables over, shouted, cried, took another sip and slid down the fall crying into my hands. Maybe it was because I let all the pain eating me from inside and never letting all the anger out. Or maybe it was my drunk state who caused all of this. A few minutes have passed and somebody knocked on the door. I sighed wobbling my way to the door and opening it. There he was. The man who found me when I was broken, build me up and broke me again. I had to grab my chest from all the pain. And trust me if I wouldn't be so sure I would say I was having a heart attack.
"May I come in? he said looking down at his feet.
I stepped aside and let him in. Closing the door I turned around and looked at him. Like he was a piece of art.
"What happened here?" he said looking at all the mess I made.
"You know I thought why don't you style your living room just like your inside. Broken."
"Oh" was all he could say.
"Listen you don't need to come and babysit me. I don't need a babysitter. Just leave me. That's the best you can." I spat. Actually what I wanted to say was please stay here. Please hold me tight. But I wasn't going to show him my weakness.
"I'm not here to babysit you. I'm here to talk" he said sitting down on my couch.
"Talk about what?"
"Just come and sit down" he said his voice so soft.
I sat down next to him and took a big breath.
"You know the day I left you. On this morning I was all grumpy remember? It was because the fans or whatever you call them. They spammed me. They spammed me how ugly you are. How fat you are. They even spammed you but while you were asleep I blocked all of them. To protect you. It wasn't just that morning. It was like this everyday. I didn't care about what they said. I still don't but I know that you care princess. I know that you want to be loved by everyone. I know that you want to make them even more happy. I know that you care about what other people think about you. I just had to let you go for your own sake. I didn't want you to get hate. You don't deserve this. You never did and never will. And just because I'm not crying right now or smile now and then it doesn't mean I'm happy. You know how a great actor I am. Since I left you all I do is looking at our pictures and listening to our song. I sleep most of the time and you know why? Because only when I'm asleep I can be with you again. Have a perfect life with you. Trust me when I say if I could I'd sleep forever. Just the thought of being happy with you is a reason enough" he said grabbing my hand at the end.
I didn't know what to do, think or say. I just stared at our hands. Repeated the words he said in my head. Every word he said now. I decided to let let the alcohol in me to talk.
"You know since you left me I didn't care about anything. Not about my health, not about anybody's opinion not even about my grades. I just cared about you. Everyday. And I'll probably still do care about you everyday. But you know even though when you stab me with a knife and spit on my heart I'd crawl back to you and clean the knife so you can do it again. Because that's love. It's beautiful so strong. But on the other hand it's like toxic. You don't have to be asleep to be back with me. You just have to take me back and build me up again." I said stroking his larger hand with my small thumb.
"No I don't have to take you back. You have to take me back. And let me make it all better. Make me let you forget about all the pain." he said tears streaming down his eyes. He sniffed and smiled trying to be strong. But little did he know that I knew that he wasn't. He wasn't strong. Neither was I.
"Then let's live our life like we are asleep. Happy and protected from all the hate around us." I whispered and pressed my for head against his.
"Just you and me" he whispered kissing my nose.
