Cruel Destiny | Kylo Ren

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My mind was in shreds. It had been a day since Kylo Ren had left and I was already rendered dry with an overbearing sense of loneliness.

I couldn't tell whether I felt this particular way because some twisted part of me missed Kylo Ren or if it was because I knew Five was so close in reach, yet so far away.

I stepped into the shower, toes flinching as they touched the chilled ceramic floor. Twisting the lever, the water begins, so cold at first that I shriek quietly; but then the stream thickens, warms and steam begins to rise. Though, the heat brings pleasure, the shower is just another confusing part of this ship. With its many buttons, functions and overbearing white tiles–even with my eyes closed beneath the water, I cannot seem to pretend I am anywhere else.

I turned the dial once more, changing the flow setting and releasing thousands of lukewarm drops that darkened my hair and trickled down my back. My eyes fell closed, over and over, each time showing me the images like photographs. Snow. Gunshots. Blood. General Hux... I snap my eyes open.

Stop it! I curse to my own subconscious. Think of something different. Anything different.

I close my eyes once more. Okay... brick walls... twisted vines... home? Yes, much better.

Tall grass. Blue skies. Warm breakfast. Linen sheets that smell of lavender. Five's smiling face. StarKiller. Kylo Ren. Strong hands. Cocoa eyes—stop!

My eyes lurch open once more and I can't think of why he always managed to sneak his way into my mind; my heart is pounding, mind empty. It's as if a hypodermic of adrenaline has been emptied into my stomach, dropping and twisting only when I think of him.

I shouldn't feel this way but my skin always tingles when I think back to the way he touched my arms and my heart beats erratically in my chest so hard that it threatens to fly out. There are butterflies in my chest but guilt in my stomach... I finally admitted to myself what this tension is that grows, but I was too afraid to say it: I liked him. I wished to be around him.

But I shouldn't!

I bathed my skin lightly with soap, taking careful notice not to touch the fading bruises that scattered my back and shoulders–bruises that he had caused. Kylo Ren was a man who lived in the shadows and who fought another man's war. I could never trust Kylo not to kill me and I could never be safe beneath his wrath. I shouldn't like any part of him.

I suppose, I should have a clear mind whilst he is gone and that these feelings will diminish for he is no longer here to distract me. But he leaves an aftertaste. So rich and warm, that I only fear I will never escape this conflict, never-mind his torture.

Turning the shower off, I huff and get out. My toes meeting a coarse mat. I wondered if the shower in Kylo's room was as bland as this one? I suppose that I will never know.

I eventually get dressed into my usual attire just from the habit of routine. Modest in all its mighty grey; my skirt and tucked in blouse are made of a rough fabric and is shaped long and loose. Commander September would say we should always keep our bodies hidden beneath these rags, for it is what we possess within that is important.

Bullshit. Everything they taught us, it's bullshit and I see it now. I want to tear this uniform to shreds and spit on it... but I don't, for I have never worn anything different nor do I own anything else. The First Order were smart to give me little and only a routine, for they know I will never know how to ask for more or know how to do any different.

My heart pangs because I know, I will never get that love I crave. I was never given it, nor will the First Order ever allow it. So, I just put my uniform on, covering my skin and bruises and lock my heart back up once more.