Severus... Reformed #2 / SNILY

Chapter Nine

A.N. Trigger warning - domestic abuse and panic attacks - I can fill people in if they want to skip the chapter but please do not read if you think it will be triggering for you.

Perhaps luckily for Severus, he knew a lot about being on his own. He'd been virtually friendless for seven years at Hogwarts the first time around, not to mention all the time he'd spent in Voldemort's inner circle pretending he was okay with torture, kidnapping and murder. If it came to it, Severus could easily survive another seven years. But the point was that he didn't want to. He'd grow attached, shown weakness and now he wanted to spend time with people - his friends.

Still, Severus had many faults and one of the main ones was his pride. He easily ignored Remus for all of three weeks, prevented from achieving his goal of a month by one small thing. He'd dutifully gone to every detention set by Professor Bulstrode and, although cowed by his earlier admission, Bulstrode soon regained the beastliness she'd begun with. Detentions consisted of mental torture. Bulstrode would regale Severus with tales of Muggle atrocities in a sickly sweet voice, particularly injustices committed against wizards and witches. She was also noticeably vile to him during lessons but that was something Severus could cope with. However, it all took a turn for the worse when Bulstrode decided they should study Boggarts in class.

"Today we shall be facing our worst fears," Bulstrode announced to the class with vindictive pleasure.

As the other students shuffled into a line before the battered old suitcase, Severus approached her.

"I can't do it," he stated simply.

She smiled at him all-knowingly. He knew precisely what would happen and did not want to see it but if he knew anything about this woman, it was that she was a sadist.

"Oh, quit fussing, Snape," she replied, with the same horrific smile fixed on her face.

"On your own head be it," Severus muttered as he stormed away and stood right at the back.

To make matters worse, for some unidentifiable reason the Ravenclaws had to share this one particular lesson with the Gryffindors when they would usually share it with the Hufflepuffs. Sirius Black had made it to the front with Potter right behind him and their fears were stupid compared to his. Black's was the Sorting Hat yelling out "Slytherin!" in a tumultuous voice. Potter's was a reflection of himself, only his hair was greasy and his house badge was green not red. Severus' hands began shaking as the queue shortened and, all too soon, it was his turn. He pointed his wand at the suitcase, like all the others before and Lily, standing on the side-lines with Lupin, noticed how his wand wavered from severe tremors. Her friend was, for use of a better word, petrified.

The Boggart seemed to take an age to transform into Severus' Boggart. Lily, as an adult, dead. Her red hair twisted around the cold, white face and the immobile, green eyes. He said 'Riddikulus!' and the corpse vanished but instead of becoming Severus' 'anti-fear' as he liked to think of it as, in its place was every corpse Severus had ever seen in his previous life. His mother, his father, Quirrell, Cedric Diggory, Igor Karkaroff, Emmeline Vance, Florean Fortescue, Dumbledore, Charity Burbage - Severus yelled himself hoarse as he dispelled every one. But then there was a change.

This man wasn't a corpse as the others had been. There stood Tobias Snape, with a belt in one hand and a bottle in the other. Severus couldn't speak for this one. He stared, frozen, for a moment and then turned away. He rushed out of the room, clicking his fingers as he did so. 

Bulstrode and the other students looked at what had replaced the man. In his place was a lily. Precious to Severus, but an insignificant, disposable item of nature. Something that could be crushed and broken beneath the boot of a superior wizard. As they watched, it shrivelled up and died.

*

Severus didn't know where to go. He rushed, breathless, to find somewhere to go and sit in silence. He didn't want to found, especially not by Lily. Eventually he decided to go to the Astronomy Tower. He hated the place and loved it at the same time, but at least nobody was bound to disturb him there. He slid down the wall and sat, trembling, in shock and terror.

If there was anything, absolutely anything, which he didn't want to witness, it was Lily's dead body. Thankfully, Lily wouldn't recognise her future self; she'd changed too much. He was sure that many people dreaded the day of Dumbledore's death. And the others - Severus could simply say he was scared of death and that those were people he'd read of in the newspaper. Excuses could be made. But Tobias - Severus felt his rib-cage rattle as his lungs frantically expanded, desperately trying to take in the excess oxygen he needed whilst in the throes of a panic attack.

"Severus... My goodness, Severus!"

Dumbledore  stood in the doorway. Immediately, he came and knelt before the stricken boy.

"Severus, you've got to calm down," he said gently, putting his hands on Severus' heaving shoulders.

"Boggarts - you, Lily, all of them - dead," Severus tried to speak.

"Shh," said Dumbledore, "stop talking. I need you to breathe with me, Severus. In, out, in, out..."

Severus mimicked his breathing and, as he did so, tears slipped unbidden from his eyes.

"Oh, Severus," Dumbledore sighed, seeing them. "It's fine. You're safe. None of them are dead. None of them have been harmed. It hasn't happened yet."

Severus seemed to understand this but his face still glistened with tears. He may be forty years old but he was also an adolescent teenage boy with far too many emotions bubbling away beneath the surface.

After a few more minutes, he finally quietened down but he didn't move for another hour. Dumbledore never left, choosing instead to sit by his side in contemplative, supportive companionship. 

Severus could almost pretend that nothing had changed, that he had never murdered Dumbledore the first time. 

Dumbledore would never forgive him when he found out the truth.

*****

A.N. I don't know whether I should be apologising for the deluge of chapters... Either way, I'll apologise for this chapter because it isn't anywhere near as fluid as I wanted it to be; it feels a bit forced and jumbled.

Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to @ValVerVie for being another magnificent new commenter! I wish you every success with your upcoming Snily fanfic!

Thank you so much for reading guys - don't forget to comment! Criticism is always welcome too :)