The Optimist

forty two

Nadia

. . .

I halt in my tracks, turning on my heels slowly to face the direction of the voice. I watch as Jacob struggles to keep his eyes open and his head upright as he tries to gaze at me through them.

I hurriedly rush over to him, showering him in kisses all over his face along with a tight hug around his torso. I feel him smile through our lip locking kiss. I pull back, tugging at my sweater behind me.

"You saw the letter?" He looks expectant so I nod, then shift on both feet uncomfortably. "So that's why? Because you wanted me to be happy? That's why you did it?" I mumble, playing with my thumbs,

He nods, looking down as if he shamefully admitted something. I shake my head and give him a sad smile. "What makes you think that? I'd be nothing without you, Jacob!" I try to keep my voice levelled while I say it, but it comes out a bit more elevated than I like. I clear my throat, stepping back.

"That's the direction I'm heading toward, anyway, Nadia. Nowhere." He restates a bit of what he wrote in the letter.

"Stop being so negavtive!" I whine, popping his head as I smile. "Graudtion is where you're headed. College is where you're headed. Life is where you're headed" I say.

"Well, after therapy." I add, tiling my head as I secretly examine him. I notice no scarred wrists and no bruised limbs, but he does have a neck brace.

"Stop staring at me, I look ridiculous." He catches me staring and pulls the blanket over his torso as we laugh simultaneously. "Besides, there's nothing to stare at."

I clasp my hands together, holding my tongue graciously. I want to tell him that he still inhumnaly handsome, injured or not.

"At least you're still gorgeous." He picks with his fingers, staring at me but straight through.

I'm taken back by his sudden compliment. Still?

"Will you stop?" I hold back tears threatening to fall. As if seeing him like this isn't enough for me to take in, changing his attitude about himself is pretty damn hard. No matter what I say, he changes the perspective to me, especially when it comes to compliments.

"Stop what-"

"The negativity. It's almost prom and graduation for Christ sakes, Jacob! I really, really want to go with you, but if you can't even seem to be grateful about anything, especially the fact that you're still alive, then I just won't go. I'll fail all my classes and I won't work toward valedictorian.

"If I can't have you Jacob, anyone else can. I'm trying not to give up on you Jacob, I really am." I let the sadness boil, the tears halted back in my eyes. "You're so vulnerable to everything now. You're just not the same, anymore."

He closes his eyes, leaning back onto his pillow, and I can tell by the crimson in his face that he's holding back tears. He's still listening but I'm done. I turn on my heels to go for a second time, walking toward the entrace/exit of his room. He's silent behind me, so I twist the doorknob, ready to leave again.

"Please. Don't give up on me." He whimpers. I hear shuffling behind me.

I pause, freezing in my tracks. I whip about again and look down, unable to meet his gaze.

"I won't Jacob." I mumble quietly. "I won't."

. . .