You Hold My Pieces [completed]

If I Had The Heart To Love You

Listen to : Hurting You by Aidan Martin

Veronica's POV

I feel the harsh wind hitting my face as we drive down the road that leads to my house in Kyle's convertible. I can not help wishing I had brought my car instead of letting him come pick me up. I do not want to ask him to close the roof because he seems to be enjoying the feeling of the wind but it is annoying me. I can not help imagining how better it would have been if Malachi had offered me a ride when he saw me. I seem to like his Rover better than Kyle's car. The rest of the girls at our school would trade Malachi's ride for Kyle's any day because Kyle's car is a 2019 BMW 2 series and Malachi's is an old version. It also bothers me how boring Kyle can be sometimes. Everything has to be planned and executed as it was planned. There are no surprises and no games just two people in a relationship. It makes so much sense why Jen liked being with him so much. Everything has to be perfect and perfection really is not one of my traits. Some part of me regrets pushing Malachi away that day in the music room but the better part of me knows I did what was right. I do not want to be so obsessed with the idea of having someone like I was with Kyle because that road has disappointments written all over it.

It's not intentional that I seem like the bad person in this situation but that's what happens every time you try to be truthful in our generation. I trying to control my emotions but it's not working. Everything Kyle do I look at him and wonder what Kyle would do in the situation. I also do not want to seem like I am holding back but I feel rushed in this relationship. It's like he is desperate to prove to himself that everything is okay when it is not. I am even beginning to wonder if he is the one who left Jen or Jen left him. She is not the type to give up a fight easily. The way she just let go of Kyle and woke up with Malachi is questionable. I start to wonder if they have taken things to the next level. I feel my heart crack when I find myself thinking that maybe he was completely over me now. Maybe I had missed my shot at happiness trying to make the other guy happy. What am I saying?

I stop thinking and take a deep breath to completely clear my mind before the noise of Kyle's trap songs start to cloud my mind. He looks at me and smile but he continues to sing. I could not wait to get home. When we got to my house Kyle gave me a peck on my cheek and I got out after that. I said goodbye from a distance and smiled bitterly. I did not want to break his heart but staying with him was breaking mine. I turned around and walked into my house and leaned on the front door after closing it breathing like someone who had been suffocating the whole day. No one had texted me, not Liam, not my father and not Malachi but I was desperate to talk to someone. I was slowly breaking down due to all the acting I had to put up with the past days. Deep down I wondered if this relationship felt as suffocating to Kyle as it did to me.

I spent the rest of the day sitting on the kitchen counter with a glass of water filled to the top by my side waiting for my dad to come home. He was taken aback when I hugged him as soon as he got home without saying a word. He hugged me back and we stood in the hall in dead silence both of us afraid to break the silence. He knew something was wrong with me but he was afraid asking me would stir up emotions that were better left unspoken.

That night in bed my mind starts to wander to all possible reasons why I can not simply love someone I have longed for all my life. I keep on blinking trying to stop myself from crying when I start to think maybe it never felt magical because he never really loved me. "What if he just felt sorry for me?", that is the worst question you can ever ask yourself and I found myself facing the music I never wanted to hear. It seems fair when you are the one who is not loving someone but when the possibility of that same person not loving you back makes you hurt more than someone who has been loved and left. At least in that scenario they got to experience what love really was about.

It finally hits me straight in the heart. It is not that I am incapable of loving someone. I had been trying to replace the person I truly love with a socially acceptable version of him. I knew deep down my father would never accept Malachi because of his history and also I was scared. Scared that maybe I was just a random hookup for him and nothing serious. Maybe I wanted to mean more to him than he would want me to mean. I was tired of being afraid and I decided to end it with Kyle. It would be evil to waste his time than just tell him the truth. So I picked up my phone

"Hey babe, is everything okay? ", that was the first thing he said to me. He seemed truly concerned and it made it harder than I anticipated.

" No, not really. "

" What's wrong? ", I could feel the tiredness in his voice. I had probably woken him from his sleep and my heart started to beat hard.

" I'm sorry. "

" What? "

" I can't do this anymore "

" Do what? Is this about Malachi? "

" No ", I lied

" So what's really going on? " he sounded awake now, angry even.

" It just doesn't feel right Kyle. "

" Tell me this is not about Malachi. Tell me you don't feel anything for him. Tell me you're not doing this for him!"

" I'm not. "

" So why? You ruined my relationship for fun and when I thought we could be something you ruin this too? You are a fucking wreck and you need to figure out what you want. "

He hung up. Just like that after being so rude he just hung up. I know I do not deserve to be treated good but now it hurt. I am weighed down by guilt and I just feel like screaming at myself right now. I get up and I start pacing in my room wondering what to do next. I walk, I sit, I hold my head in my hand and I curse at myself. I look at Malachi's number then switch off my phone before switching it back in and feeling like I am going crazy. I remember what he did last time we went out throwing stones on my window and I decide to do something similar also.

When I get to Malachi's I decide against throwing stones on his window. I just call him when I am downstairs in my car totally aware of how awkward it will be if Kyle came out. As soon as the former reaches my car I get out to meet him.

"Hey ", I say a little nervous and cold

" Hey, what's so urgent that you decided to come to see me this time?"

"I broke up with Kyle. "

" Oh. "

" Yeah ", I start feeling awkward and it shows.

" Look Ronnie, I liked you... ", I feel my heart crack, " I wore my heart on my sleeve and you chose Kyle over me and I am not only talking about this time." I look at him unsure of what to say but he doesn't stop speaking, "Now that there is trouble in paradise you come running back to me but my arms aren't open to you anymore. Jen and I are in a really good place right now and if I was you, I would not have ruined what I had with Kyle. He's a better guy for you that I was ever going to be. "

I stand there humiliated and totally exposed. My mind keeps racing but my heart is confusing me so I say what I think is best at that time

" Oh , I'm sorry for disturbing you then. "

I open car door and drive until I am just around the corner from Malachi's street. I stop the car and start screaming banging my head on the steering wheel not caring how much it hurt because the pain I felt in my heart was greater than anything I had ever felt. My heart ached but what hurt the most was the realization that there was nothing I could do about it.