Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

forty-two

"You and Ashton are really close."

I shrug, "Yeah. We always have been."

"Why is it so hard for you to tell him then?"

"I'm worried about what he might say. I really don't think he'd be ready for this. I'm barely ready for this." I reply.

"If you aren't ready for it, you don't have to do it."

"I don't know. I really don't know."

"Whatever you choose. I'll be here for you." Luke replies, weakly smiling at me.

I sigh, looking away from him, "Thanks. I just have to tell Ashton in the next couple weeks. That's all that matters right now."

I don't know why I can't tell him. I just can't. Every time I thought I could, I wouldn't end up saying anything about it.

"You'll get through this." He weakly smiles.

I just nod, not having anything to say.

When I notice my purse on the edge of my bed, I remember my ultrasound picture is in tucked in there. I lean forward, stretching out and managing to catch the strap and pull it towards me. I can feel Luke staring at me as I unzip my purse and shuffle through all my stuff I've shoved in here.

"I still can't believe it." I mumble, mostly to myself as I stare at the picture I'm now holding between my fingers.

"Is that you're ultrasound?" Luke asks, leaning forward, seeming more interested.

"Uh, yeah, it is." I mumble, staring at the picture in my hands.

"Can I see it?" He nervously asks, sliding the chair closer to my bed.

I don't say anything, I just hold out the picture for him.

Luke hesitates when reaching out to grab it. I can feel him staring at me, and we make eye contact before I quickly look away again. Taking the picture from me, he leans back in the chair.

"Wow. That's insane." Luke mumbles, staring at the ultrasound in shock.

"Yeah. Can I have it back? I need to hide it before one of them come barging in." I tell him, reaching out for the picture.

He hands it to me, and for now I just tuck it in the drawer of my nightstand.

"I always thought that this would be happening to us. I used to think about a day like this all the time. Well, not exactly this, but-"

"I get it, Luke! This wasn't what we planned! Things change!" I snap, rolling my eyes.

"Kels-"

"No. I can't do this right now! It's been a long day and I don't need this right now! Maybe if you didn't cheat on me this wouldn't be happening!"

"Well-"

"I literally can't deal with this right now!"

"What the fuck is going on in here?" Ashton quietly exclaims as he bursts into my room.

I quietly groan, "Its nothing, Ashton."

"We can hear the yelling from downstairs!"

"It's fine." I mutter.

"What did you say to her?" Ashton asks, turning his attention to Luke.

"What the fuck?" Luke questions, now getting defensive.

"Obviously you upset her-"

"Can both of you stop? Luke, maybe you should just go. Ashton, please just leave me alone."

Luke sighs, "Kels-"

"She told you to leave." Ashton repeats me, approaching Luke.

"Jesus, man. Can you just give me one second with her?" Luke replies, standing up to face Ashton.

"Can you two relax? Luke, we can talk later. Ashton, calm down and leave me alone." I tell them, before curling up in bed, turning away from them both.

-

"Hey, can we talk about earlier?" Ashton asks, entering my room, hours after the whole situation with Luke.

"No." I mumble from my spot, curled up in my bed.

"Kelsey-"

"I really can't right now, Ashton. I'm not up to this. I really can't. Please, leave me alone." I beg.

"I- I know you've been going through a lot this past while. I just really want to make sure you're okay. I don't want you to relapse or something-"

"I don't think I'll be relapsing anytime soon. As bad as I want to, I literally can't." I tell him, but not telling him why I can't.

He sighs, "Okay. If... if you need anything... I'm here. You're so strong, Kels. But, sometimes we all need somebody to be there."

I don't say anything back, and I hear him leave, closing the door behind him.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to just be honest with him. I think it will be more real when I finally do tell him, and I don't really want this to be real.

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quarantine is making me go crazy but it's fine :)