The Journey of life as a Non-Binary

7. Questioning my sexuality (AGAIN)

Greetings y'all!

Today my day started with a bit of a shock, so basically I dreamt something very weird and now I don't want to sleep ever again. I was productive and went to the bank to withdraw cash, learnt some guitar, watched television and stuff.

Also, I am sorry that I haven't been talking about my gender and things but this journal is so much more than that, I want to talk about things that are important to me and if you have some questions and some ideas for entry you can send me a dm on Instagram at namaste_its_reagan.  

So I have been questioning my sexuality once more like I don't like men again but I just don't fit in one category like gay doesn't fit me anymore and like bisexual (females and non-binary) kinda does but doesn't, so IDK I'm really confused. 

So, for now, I just prefer Queer but it just doesn't fit.

Could I be Pansexual or like Omnisexual? I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW.

Okay so here's a thing, a have a romantic thing for men but not sexual, romantic and sexual thing for females and my sweet enbys, am I just a stupid confused Enby? or like an abomination?

 If there is a label that you could suggest comment it down or IDK somewhere here. 

Ok So I was going to stop typing but I felt like sharing this story, so I had this boyfriend (I was Bisexual), we were together like 8 months, I loved him, he totally loved me but I was questioning my sexuality and I realized I was gay (cause I had a crush on two of my best friends), so I broke his heart(I mean I didn't mean to but I did what I had to do) and broke up with him, he didn't talk to me for like 3 months straight and still doesn't talk. IDKY I'm telling y'all this but I just wanted to get it off my chest! 

So anyway, I had this BFF let's just name her H, and I loved her! I have known her for 8 years, so one day I don't exactly remember but all I remember is that there was this dull lighting she hated light to be very frank, she lay her head on my chest or something like that so I initiated a kiss and she reciprocated, my mind was blown, I was like "OMG!!! I KNOW I AM BI NOW AND I LOVE HER AND THIS IS FOREVER and some shit ", so I fucking asked her out and she said yes!. I totally was about to cry. So after some days, when I would initiate things, H would just not want to like do it I mean she would do it either way but she would fuss. So this one day, she was all like talking to someone on the phone and I think she was flirting with this dude and I was like WTF? so she said something like IF WE EVER HAVE SEX (which as a matter of fact we did) WE WOULD PROBABLY NEED A GUY CAUSE (hear this) I LIKE DICKS!!! 

And this broke my heart, I mean what were you doing kissing me and things if you like men like why would you break my heart like that and shit. So later that evening, I broke up with her and after some days she moved away. I was heart-broken for months, I cried like hell! and she didn't care.

I loved her so much that I would've probably got my sex changed like IDK, I would've actually pleaded her to stay because I thought that she made me better but as a matter of fact she was the one making me miserable, and later I realized that she didn't love me and possibly never would, she thought I loved her for her appearance. I would have left the world behind to be with her but she didn't want that so I tried to move on and maybe I have.

So I just want to tell y'all that Sexuality is not always the same, it changes sometimes and it's fine. I love y'all <3

I think I blabbed enough so bye now!!!

Yours,

Ryan (I'm typing on my laptop so no rainbow emoji *sad face)