SNL 2020

Cravings

Qing: Ah, so we are back to the cheeses. She is your errand girl then?

Me: (lying across Qing's lap again) Give me cheese or give me death, Qing!

Qing chuckled before leaning down to kiss my lips. I moaned and kissed him back. I held on to his shoulder and arm while falling for Qing's taste and scent.

Qing: (panting a bit after the kiss) You will live without your cheeses, Dayu ah. Order online and wait for days to have it. I will not get out of the condo for dairy, I said that already. Don't make me repeat it again.

Me: (slumping on his lap) You order them online. Use your card to pay for them.

Qing: (frowning) Is that why you want me to go and buy them for you...because I will then pay for them? You don't want to use your own money to buy the cheeses you are desperately craving. Why?

Me: They are pricey.

Qing: Of course, they are imported cheeses, it's only reasonable for them to be pricey. But you can afford it.

Me: (shaking my head) Not now. Not after I volunteered to pay for the water heater that was replaced on my parents' main bathroom.

Qing: You volunteered to pay for a new water heater for your parents?

Me: (sighing as I nod) Yes.

Qing: Why? Did Baba and Mama ask to pay for it?

Me: What? No! I said I volunteered my money, didn't I?

Qing: Oh right. Sorry I forgot you mentioned that part. But again, can't Baba and Mama afford the new water heater? Is that why you volunteered to pay for it?

Me: No. Baba refused at first to let me pay for it but I insisted. Telling them that it's my wedding anniversary gift for them.

Qing: How much it is?

I told him the price of the new water heater.

Qing: (whistling) That's a significan amount of money, Love.

Me: I know. But that brand is great and the product itself is guaranteed to be on top form for at least seven good years. That's a great deal if you ask me.

Qing: (nodding contemplatively) You have a point. If your parents won't need to worry about their water heater for seven years, that's a big deal. And so, why do you look uncomfortable? You did the right thing for paying for it.

Me: (forlorn) Because I lied. I didn't volunteer to pay for that water heater because it's a gift for my parents' anniversary. I bought it because I feel guilty.

Qing: Oh...Dayu ah...

Me: Being guilty about our engagement is expensive, Qing. And the guilt won't go away. Paying for that water heater serves as a salve but I know I'm still being unfair to our parents. That's why I want Italian cheese. I'll feed my stomach instead of feeding my guilt. Maybe some good wine and cheese will distract me from thinking about our parents.

Qing: You know, the only way to alleviate all of the guilt is if we will be truly honest to them.

Me: (nodding) I know. I think I'm ready to celebrate our engagement with them but what about the other things?

Qing: You mean us seeing a therapist to cure your panic attack and my lingering issues on being left on that meadow?

Me: (pouting) Why do you still have issues about that? I already said yes to you on that same meadow...can't you put it all behind you already?

Qing: (shrugging) I'm trying to do just that. That's why I am seeing a therapist. And besides, I'm working on my other issues outside of you rejecting me that first time I proposed to you. I didn't know I have too many complexities I have to work on until I started having a therapist.

Me: I could have enumerated all those complexities you have, for half a price. Some session could be free too.

Qing: (chuckling) You are biased. I don't trust you to give me a fair and objective assessment.

We smiled and sighed together. Qing and I have been going through this. Having conversations. Throwing ideas back and forth. Thinking about announcing our engagement to our families and close friends.

So far, we haven't made our minds yet on what to do. Not that we are rushing, I still wish that someone invent the vaccine for the coronavirus first instead of fixing my problems. I guess, I just want to say that other people's worry are not mine. Others worry about how they will survive this crisis of coronavirus while my worry is how to break to everyone that Qing and I will marry while I also developed a panic condition.

Qing: You're doing great though. You haven't experienced any panic attack since last month. Good work, Love.

Me: Those meditating exercises are working I guess. Clearing my mind. Not worrying about little missteps. Forgiving and being generous to myself when I made simple mistakes. You are right, I am my worst enemy. I don't give myself a break. I don't give myself some slack or credit. I am hard on myself.

Qing: (touching my forehead and hair) It's not a sin to be a perfectionist, Love. What's not good is if you won't see anything good about you and focusing on your weaknesses and mistakes. I don't need you to be perfect, Dayu. I need you alive and happy.

Me: (looking up at him) I am alive. And I could be happy (wriggling my eyebrows)

Qing: (snickering) Let me guess, cheese will make you happy.

Me: Ah! Not just any cheese. Authentic Italian cheeses. Buy me some gorgonzola and mozzarella cheese, Qing.

Qing: (groaning) Okay! Fine! I will buy you your cheeses.

Me: Yes! Yes!

I surged up to kiss Qing. His arms went around me as Qing let me show how overjoyed I am that he said yes to buying me cheeses. I sighed in contentment when one of Qing's hand slipped under my shirt to touch my chest and look for a nipple to lightly play it.

Qing: (kissing my jaw and cheek) I love you so much.

Me: I know. I'm lucky.

And before he can seduce me some more, I reached for Qing's phone so he can call the cheese store to place an order.

Qing: (after ordering) There. I will pick your cheese up tomorrow after lunch. Maybe we can have some cheese and wine before or after dinner tomorrow.

Me: After. Lets have some light dinner and wine down with cheese and fruits before going to bed.

Qing: Okay. Do you need me to pick other stuff for that?

Me: (humming) Maybe some fresh figs or pears. I still have some grapes on the fridge. We also have crackers available here. We stocked up on wine two weeks ago so we are still good on that department. This house has enough alcohol to last us for months. Our cooler is full of beer cans.

Qing: (tapping on his note app) Which is not bad. We both love beer. Okay, I wrote down cheese, fresh figs and pears. That's all.

Me: Yes. Thanks again.

Qing: You're welcome, Love.

I hugged Qing as he shut down his laptop and put it aside. He is not in the mood to read papers anymore. It's cuddle time and it was great.

I cannot wait to sink my teeth on some Italian cheese and fresh fruits. But I swear, I'm not pregnant. I just have cravings.