Not All Roses (Discontinued)

Chapter 9

"Kamryn, you have that report card to show me?"

"Yes, but you're not going to be happy about it..." She hands me her folder as she looks down sadly.

She was doing so well, what happened? I open the folder to see her report card with all A's. "I thought y-"

"Just kiddinggggg!" She laughs and sits up on the counter.

"You had me scared for a second, but I'm so proud of you!"

"Can we go get ice cream to celebrate? Pretty please?" She gives me those cute puppy dog eyes that I just can't say no to.

I giggle and open the refrigerator to take out some food. "Yes yes, but right after we eat dinner. Want to help me cook?"

"No, I'm ok."

I laugh at her response and nod. "Alright, I see how it is."

"But I do have a question." She takes her coloring book and crayons out of her book bag to put them on the table.

"What is it love?"

She starts to color and looks up to me to ask, "Why don't you think about me anymore?"

I stop taking the food out and look at her confusingly. "What are you talking about?"

"Ever since my death, you don't even tell people about me mommy. Do you still love me?"

I look at her hopelessly. "I do love you, I'm j-"

She puts her crayon down and looks in my face with tears in her eyes. "How do you love me and you don't even visit my grave! I thought I was your daughter and you were my mommy! You don't love me anymore!!" She starts to sob loudly and covers her face.

I feel the warm tears roll down my cheeks as I stood there lost for words.

"I hate you! You're the worst mommy ever!"

I sit up quickly out of breath, with my body soaked in sweat.

God...it was just another dream. These dreams have been happening night after night this week. Although they happen so much, the feeling is always unreal to see the child I never raised asking if I loved her or not.

I look at my arm to see the scratch marks I made in my sleep. It was 3 a.m, or as Vivica would say, the devils hour. I search for my asthma pump on the nightstand to calm myself down.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. In the corner of my eye, I see myself in the mirror and jump by how rough I looked. My eyes were puffy but slightly red and had darkened circles under them. My skin had a dull grayness to it similar to if I was sick.

I splash some cool water on my face and sit there looking at the sink. I can't possibly go to work today feeling and looking like this. I text Willow to cancel any meetings I had scheduled for the day. Surprisingly, she responds back quickly in accord.

While watching a few episodes of Queen Sugar, I drift away back to sleep only to be awaken 4 hours later by knocking at my door.

I get up and look at the camera near the door to see Vivica. What is she doing here this early in the morning? I open the door and smile slightly.

"Good morning."

"Good morning darling!" Her smile disappears as she looks up from her phone at me. "Good God almighty, what's going on with you child?"

I sigh and whisper, "A lot...come on in though."

She nods and comes in the house. "I can tell there's something going on. I'm feeling some bad auras up in here."

Vivica takes a pack of incense out her purse and lights them. "This is just to clean the air. So tell me what's going on."

"I've been getting these dreams lately about... Kamryn. And it's every damn night. They weren't that bad at first but now I'm loosing sleep over them. These damn melatonin pills aren't even working." I throw the pill bottle in the trash and place my hand on my head in confusion.

"It seems like your past is haunting you. And I know you think telling me about this helps, but I think you should seek someone that can give you the help you really need."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm talking about a therapist Kamaria. It would really h-"

I shake my head and chuckle. "Therapists don't help. I've tried them in the past and the only thing they do is give sorry ass advice."

"Well, I have a therapist that I can recommend you to. She's the best of the best honestly."

"I don't know about this..."

"I wouldn't recommend her to you if she wasn't the best Kamaria. Don't knock it till you've tried it."

I have to get back to my regular self because these dreams are tearing me apart. I nod as she writes the therapist's number down.

"You give her a call whenever but don't hold off on doing it."

"Thanks Viv."

"No problem, but I just came over to check on you. I'll see you later and hope you feel better lovebug."

"Thank you, and bye."

After she leaves, I'm stuck with myself and the number for the therapist. There's one part of me thinking it won't work but another telling me to call the number. Eventually I call the number as it rings a few times. God, this is why I shouldn't h-

"East Valley Therapy Center, how may I help you?"

"Oh...um I would like to set up an appointment with Dr. Anderson."

"And what is the purpose of this session mam?"

I take a deep breath and say, "Um...PTSD from the death of my child."

"Ok, one moment as I put you on the line with Dr. Anderson."

There was a moment of silence as I waited.

"Hello, this is Dr. Anderson, how may I help?"

"Hi, this is Kamaria Miller and I would like to set up some therapy sessions."

"Yes, my nurse has told me the purpose of your sessions. We do in fact have therapy sessions for you but I have to inform you, there will be a group counseling session every month. This means you will have to share your feelings with others who have gone through similar situations as well. Do you agree to partake in these group counseling sessions also?"

I think about how people would know about my past but I say, "Yes, I agree."

"Great, come by my office to fill some paperwork out and we will get everything situated."

"Ok, thank you."

"Your welcome Ms. Miller, I'm looking forward to meeting with you."