Sad songs // KSIMON

XXI

[Simon Minter]

Swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh...

The hammering sound of my window wipers desperately trying to clear thousands of tiny droplets out of the way of my vision, was almost as loud as the rain that drowned this miserable city in its sorrows.

A furious frown danced along my pale features almost like a reflection of the London sky, with nothing but the subtle hum of my car's engine purring and radio static to keep me company. Oh, and the calming scent of JJ that lingered on the coat he'd handed me.

Cinnamon and chocolate scents with a hint of vanilla and man.

If 'man' were a scent, JJ would be it.

Whilst it gave me this warm tingle in the pit of my stomach, it grazed my heart and added to the frown that cursed my features, remembering that JJ had nothing but the clothes on his back to keep him warm in this shitshow of a city.

I drove fast and with intent, trying to get as far away as possible from that girl. Away from her and all the pain and confusion she brought with her every time her presence appeared.

It felt almost as if she was trying to kill me, like she was doing this to torment me or something.

Yet, even with Amelia casting her evil ghost over me, my eyes carefully traced the sidewalk for that familiar dreadlock headed boy as I drove down streets that I didn't even find familiar anymore. I wanted desperately to grasp to the idea of hope, praying I'd find him walking lazily down these dreary streets, as he does, but everything started to blur. People being called to their monotonous 9 to 5 jobs started to wake, causing congestion that knotted my stomach.

My cheeks sported a burning red glow as I drove through the growing swell of traffic. She continued to run through my mind, the droplets of rain casting shadows on my face, replicating the tears that started to drizzle from my eyes.

It's not fair. It's so not fair,

how can it be this damn fucking hard?

I just want him.
Him and him only, that's all.

That's damn all.

I don't know why she's doing what she's doing but it physically hurt to see JJ like he is, especially because it happened so quickly. So, damn quickly that I barely had a moment to cling to the idea that this fiasco could be my fault.

Hell, the shit that's gone down in the past 24 hours feels like what you'd see in a 3.5-star romance / thriller movie. Like the kinda story where the ex-lover threatens to kill their ex-lover's new lover if they don't stay away from them and there's this whole lustful, painful and longing ache throughout the whole story. The soppy shit that makes you cry of pain even if its atrociously made. It would even put Jane the virgin's dad's telenovelas to shame.

That is for a movie, not my life.

A fucking movie.

It sent a chill down my spine and back to even think that this could be a mere possibility. It flashed in my mind like a horrible daydream and I quickly banished it from my thoughts, not allowing myself to be so dramatic about this situation. My heart started to throb against my chest so hard that its pounds rang through my ears, hands clung to the steering wheel so tightly that the sweat could barely make them move.

My eyes were glued to the road as the rain fell harder and harder.

It was probably nothing. Amelia was just being clingy and that's all, JJ just didn't like her and that's all, I was being dramatic because I am upset and that's all.

Tears stained my cheeks. I kept driving, letting the car take me wherever I must go, not really having a direction or certain place in mind. I just went. The echoes of daunting siren's call through the now bustling city, buses rushed past and pedestrians jaywalking to their hearts content.

I swelled with an emotion I wasn't familiar to and it ached in my stomach. I suddenly felt a strong urge to stop this car. I needed to breathe. I needed to walk and stretch my legs.

I needed him.

My mind was swirling, hands sweating profusely and this emotion that was unknown to me purred inside, getting louder and louder to the point I think I might explode. I start to forget what I'm doing. Everything goes grey and fuzzy, brain aching and suddenly I'm forgetting how to drive.

Panic reigns inside me, but somehow the screams I want to bellow can't escape. Beads of tears and sweat trickle and the labouring of my breathes becomes blatantly obvious, mouth growing drier as I feel the car take control.

Foot planted firmly on the accelerator, like someone has stuck it there with superglue, I feel paralysed as I can't lift it away.

Fear is the only thing emotion splitting up my dying thoughts as the car veers and heads directly toward a shop front.

Bloody Tesco's.

Suddenly, my hands leave the wheel. I've given it up to fate now and the only thing I see as I close my eyes so tightly that I let out an exasperated gasp, is him.

JJ's smile is the last thing I see.