Sad songs // KSIMON

X

[olajide olatunji]

Just as my mind began to feel blank and the heavy weight of sleep began to tug at my eyelids, a hard thump on my door made me jolt upright. I sucked in a heavy breath and I could hear soft sobs before it went illy silent.

I swung my head to look at the time.

5:34 am

I rubbed my eyes gently and sighed. I was almost certain I knew what the sound was.

Quietly I got up and patted over to he door, turning the handle slowly.

I looked, expecting to see Simon stood up begging me and I was ready to slam the door in his face but when I opened there was no one.

Until I looked down.

"Jide...?" A small broken voice spoke, his pastel blue eyes stained red, gazed up at me.

So desperately I wanted to cave under the pressure and fall to my knees allowing him to melt into me. But I couldn't let that happen. I had to figure things out.

I hung my head and whispered 'I'm sorry' before closing the door on him and turning away. Next thing you know, my back is pressed up against the door as I quietly sob to myself. I could hear Simon on the other side sobbing as well.

It was like two magnets trying to get to each other but separated by one thing.

I wanted to open the door and I really felt the urge to hug him and... kiss him?

Not in a platonic way, no... a romantic way.

But why? Why was I feeling this for a guy?

Not that I was homophobic, I have a gay uncle after all, but because I always had an attraction to guys but always hooked up with girls.

Girls didn't really spark anything, there was never a connection between me and a girl that I have held onto.

Maybe that's why I was so jealous of Amelia and that's why I didn't want to be around her whilst she was with Si.

Maybe that's why when we are together I get those butterflies that just erupt even just looking at him.

Maybe that's why I'm so clingy to him.

Maybe it's because I'm gay.

I sighed deeply and calmed myself down. I decided to move away from the door and ignore the crying boy on the other side.

Silently I grabbed some clean clothes and walked to my bathroom that was thankfully connected to my bedroom.

I turned the water on, getting undressed and then hopping in.

I let the warm water spike my skin and trickle down my bare body, it felt nice and it was a comforting sensation.

All of my thoughts seem to trickle down my body and swirl down the drain similar to the water that was running over me. They washed away and for a good 10 minutes I finally felt empty and content.

Finally I decide to twist the taps and allow the water to rush to a halt. I grabbed a towel and dried myself of any water that remained on my skin and hair.

I got dressed into some comfy clothes because I decided that I was going to avoid leaving my room and if not the house at all costs. Especially avoiding Simon.

I looked at myself in the still semi foggy mirror and sighed.

My mouth began to form words and suddenly they fell out.

"I-I'm gay."

I smiled.

"I'm gay." I said again but more confidently this time.

I smiled again and a tear of both confusion and happiness dropped and rolled down my cheek.

I left the bathroom feeling extremely proud with myself.

I glanced back over at the clock on my bedside table.

6:15 am

I grabbed my phone and walked to my door.

Opening it slowly, only to find that Simon had disappeared and probably gone back to his room.

As assumed the rest of the house was still in a slumber leaving plenty of time for me to grab some breakfast and stock up on food I'd need for the day before the rest of the boys begin to stir.

Quietly I moved downstairs and smiled to myself. It was empty and I felt happy about myself. Worried still in some aspects but at this point in time I needed to focus on the positives.

The fridge was my first stop.

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