Sad songs // KSIMON

XIII

[olajide olatunji]

"I'm... I'm gay."

Josh stared at me blankly for a few moments and my stomach was churning as I sighed and directed my gaze toward the floor beneath me.

Silence rained.

I never noticed how smooth and cold the tiles where against my bare feet. They glowed a luminous white in with the dim hours of the morning allowing only glimpses of bright yellow into the house. As the silence continued, I refused to look up to Josh in fear of what could occur in a silence this deep.

"And you like Si, I take it?" The older bearded man finally spoke up.

Tension broke and I raised my gaze to grab Josh's still calm looking figure. He was leant against the kitchen bench, completely unfazed. As if I hadn't just told him I was gay. I was confused but also in a way relieved that he'd left the awkwardness to harbor inside him.

"Wait, so your okay with this..?" I questioned, eyes wide and heart a flutter.

"Well, yeah. Course. It was kinda obvious you were crushing on Simon... hard. But yes I'm cool wid it, you one of me best mates. I support you, bruv." He chuckled, reaching over and placing a firm hand on my shoulder to reassure me.

His eyes glistened with compassion and loyalty as I softly smiled back at the slightly taller lad.

"So, you do have feelings for Simon... right?" He questioned, a sudden chirpiness in his tone.

I gulped back nerves and slowly nodded. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. But I trusted Josh, he held me up in times I needed it, so I did trust him. He would never tell Simon.

"Oh my goodness, you two are as bad as each other, I'll tell you that." Josh groaned shaking his head as he shuffled past me and toward the fridge.

My eyes were stuck on him as he grazed the refrigerator for any remanence of food there could be for him to snack on.

"W-what do you mean?" I stammered, trying to decode his last sentence.

"...you two are as bad as each other, I'll tell you that."

What the hell does he mean?

Josh let out an agonizing sigh as he spun around with a piece of left over pizza he'd found hanging out of his mouth and plodded over to the bench to take a seat.

"JJ, you like him and that's kinda obvious. I know you are trying to hide your feelings for the lad but give him a break! You are hurting him and he's hurting himself because of it. He thinks that you think that he's not your best friend. He thinks he hurt you, Jide, I beg. If you ever want the old Simon back, If you ever want him, you have to talk to him. Tell him." Josh said firmly but with a mouthful of half chewed, 5 day old pizza.

I scrunched my nose at the thought of eating that pizza. Ew.

"But how Josh?! What do I do? Just be like, 'oh yeah hey so Um I've been ignoring you because I was jealous of your ex girlfriend and I'm actually gay and in love with you aka my best friend. So yeah cool!' Yeah not gonna happen, buddy." I rolled my eyes after rushing out my harsh words.

I didn't want to hurt, Simon. It was never my intention. But I do think that I love him, and that scares me more than anything.

Josh looked at me, taken back.

"You love Simon?" He questioned, the pizza chunks nearly falling out of his mouth as he stared at me.

Oh fuck me.

"U-uh... umm. Maybe?" My voice was child like and uncertain.

I'd never said the words aloud.

"I'm in love with Simon Minter." I stated, as it subconsciously tumbled out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry, JJ. You have to tell him. I don't think you have much of a choice now." Josh remarked, swallowing the rest of his pizza.

Shaking my head, I could barely say a word. The house fell silent yet again but I felt as if I were chocking.

---

My legs dangled under the park bench I was sat at. A light breeze washed over me and the trees rustled slightly in the morning air.

The warmth of the sun was most comforting, it warmed me up at the same time as the breeze cooled me down.

Being early morning, hardly a soul was around, an older lady with her small jack russell were in the dog park to the left of me and occasionally joggers ran by, but it was mostly calm and still. It was giving me time to think, this was my first time out of the house for a few days and I regret not coming out sooner.

Breath in.....

Breath out....

I know I love Simon.

But I can't tell him, not because I'm trying to hurt him. Because I can't. I just don't know how to tell him.

"Hey JJ, funny seeing you here..." a soft husky voice that was familiar suddenly brought me back to my present state.

I spun my head around only to see a face I much rather not have. I knew they were going to be friendly.

Amelia wasn't here to talk nicely.