so much more than a fan - billie eilish

i'll be whole as long as i'm yours

title: shelter - finneas

billie's POV

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i have rarely been on my phone for the past almost 3 weeks because i'm terrified of what i'm going to see when i get on it. i deleted all social media from my phone and i only use it talk to family and friends and listen to music. i'm fucking scared honestly. finneas has talked to mark and today he called me for the millionth time and i finally got the balls to answer.

"hey mark" i answer, pretending like nothing happened though you can undoubtedly hear the nervousness in my voice. "what the fuck billie?! you pretty much release a god damn sex tape and then when i call you to work it out, you ignore me! it's been damn near three weeks billie! what the fuck is wrong with you?!" he shouts. "listen man, i don't know who you're talking to here but i know damn well it isn't me. i could fire you in a second. now let me explain what happened!" i respond, slightly raising my voice. "i decided it'd be better to announce my relationship before the fans found out on their own. i started a live and things got out of hand. elle thought she ended the live and i thought so too. it turns out it didn't end and people saw everything. we didn't like.... fuck but we got close. long story short, millions of people know what my girlfriend's boobs look like." i explain. "you're gonna go on all your social media right the fuck now and apologize. you're going to pretend like you didn't know that elle didn't end it-" he starts but i cut him off. "bro they know i didn't know!" i interrupt. "don't interrupt me! you're going to apologize, make up a reason as to why you haven't addressed it and learn to be more careful!" he orders. "whatever man. i'll figure it out. bye" i roll my eyes and hang up.

"was he mad?" elle asks with a worried look. "yeah. he was mad. but i've got it handled, don't worry your pretty little british head off" i tell her and kiss her forehead. "is there anything i can do?" she asks. "i mean... i don't know. i guess you can make an apology video on your instagram and we'll hope for the best" i sigh and run a hand through my hair. "i can't believe he's still upset about that. i'm sure it's blown over by now right?" elle assumes. "you know you'd think so, but right now people only care about me because of our so called 'sex tape' and elizabeth having leukemia." i respond. "people care about you for some many other reasons. you know that" she shakes her head and pulls me to her, hugging me and kissing my head. "i'm sorry i got us into this mess" i mumble into her shoulder. "it's not your fault. if it was anyone's it would be mine. but we're not going to get into that." she says and rubs my back. "i've missed you ellie" i smile weakly and kiss her shoulder. "i've missed you too" she smiles a little and pulls away slightly, pressing her lips to mine before hugging me once again.

after a few minutes i take out my phone and install instagram and snapchat. i run my hand through my hair several times and let out a sigh. "you can do this" elle grabs my hand and kisses it before squeezing it gently. "thanks mamas" i smile and peck my lips to hers. i sit down on elle's bed and start recording as she walks to her bathroom. "hey guys, it's billie. i've been off of social media since my birthday due to personal issues. elizabeth is doing great, elle and i are doing great, everyone's great. i'm sure you know why i'm making this video though. recent, well not really recent, events have perspired- is that a word? perspired?" i stop. "it's a word bil" elle giggles. "am i using it correctly?" i ask. "yes, you are very smart" she laughs. "thank you" i say in a baby voice. "shit anyway, due to certain events i've decided to make an apology video. i'm positive you've all seen the video of elle and i on my birthday and i'm sorry. if you were on that live, you saw that elle tried to end it. she failed and things got heated quickly. and once again, if you had seen the live, you would've seen that we didn't fuck. anyway, once again i apologize and i'll make sure to update you guys more on what's going on with elizabeth and everything else going on. bye"

"that was good bil, i'm so proud" elle tells me, coming out of her bathroom while brushing her teeth. "thanks baby. i'm just hoping it doesn't start everything again." i sigh and lay back on her bed. "i'm sure it'll be alright. and if it does start anything, i'm right here with you. through everything" she smiles and walks back to her bathroom. i hear her spit and the water run and she comes back laying down beside me. "always and forever" i smile a little sadly and put my ring finger out. "always and forever" she nods with a smile and links our ring fingers together.

when elle and i were dating last year, we started this thing where we say 'always and forever' and link our ring fingers. this pretty much says that someday we'll get married and be together always and forever. we haven't done it again until now, i just assumed it'd be a good time to restart it.

god i hope i don't lose her again