so much more than a fan - billie eilish

this is the morning after, my mind is such a disaster

title: dead girl in the pool - girl in read

elle's POV

the night after the party*

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jesus christ i am fucking stupid.

like actually fucking stupid.

why did i do this?

she's not good for me.

i know she's not.

fuck i'm dumb!

and yet here i am.

lying naked in my bed with her beside me.

thinking about how fucking stupid i am!

maybe i should call billie.

no.

no elle.

no.

that's not going to fix this.

no.

don't.

no.

no!

i reach for my phone anyway and open my contacts, knowing i shouldn't call her but inevitably i will. i twiddly my thumbs in front of her contact which remains as william eyelash with a heart next to it. i look over at alex who is sprawled out beside me and sigh. i set my phone back down on the nightstand and stand up from my bed.

i'm so dumb.

now she's going to want to get back together.

that's...

that's not what i want.

i decide to take a shower and change into some sweats and jog downstairs. once i get downstairs, i get a look from elizabeth. "what the hell, elle?" she sighs and buries her head in her arms on the counter.

"what?" i shrug, knowing exactly what she's talking about. i grab an apple from the fruit basket and take a bite out of it as elizabeth rubs her temple. "you know." is all she responds with. "okay but hear me out here-" i start but she cuts me off. "no elle! what the hell where you thinking? billie is the love of your life and you know that! and you also know that alex is not good for you." she says in a voice like mum's. "i know that" i huff out and slouch into one of the chairs around the table as elizabeth lays her upper half on the island in the middle of the kitchen. "then why did i hear... what i heard last night?" she asks in a groan. "i don't know what i was thinking okay? i really don't. it just.... happened. now please stop acting like a mini mum" i tell her. "elle, she's right." mum walks into the kitchen with the same look elizabeth gave me when i came downstairs. "how long have you been listening?" i question. "long enough. alex isn't right for you. she made you cry almost every night. effortlessly! she is toxic. blutonium  toxin for crying out loud!" mum exclaims. "shush, you might wake her!" i warn her in a whisper. "i don't give a fuck if i wake her!" mum yells. "i want her out eleanor-" mum says, immediately covering her mouth. "i'm sorry-" she starts but i shake my head at her and walk upstairs.

i get up to my room and find alex with her ear pressed against the door. "oh shit" she whispers under her breath and tips over due to getting hit by the door. "why didn't you wake me up?" she questions once i shut it. "i don't know." i shrug and stare down at the floor. "what's wrong?" she asks with a look of concern. "it's... it's nothing." i say with a fake smile, starting to take the blankets and sheets off of my bed. "you want some help?" she offers. "no. i got it." i reject. once i get everything off the bed i walk to my wardrobe and pull one of the drawers out, grabbing the sheets and pillow cases out of it. i turn on my speaker and play 'luck pusher' on it as i start putting the sheets on. sure billie and i aren't all that great right now, but that doesn't mean their music isn't amazing. i feel alex staring so hard she's practically burning holes into the back on my skull. "please stop staring alex." i say in such a soft voice it's almost a whisper. "are you sure you're alright? you seem upset?" she asks once again. "i'm fine alex!" i snap. "god, okay. i'm sorry for trying to be supportive!" she snaps back. "just get out! okay?! leave!" i yell and gesture towards the door. "el-" she starts but i cut her off. "now alex!" i order. "okay. call me when you're ready to be reasonable." she huffs out and walks through the door.