I Call it a Draw

Confrontation.

Three words, three words were all it took for my brain to start a frantic search for the feelings I was supposed to have at the moment. Three words that my mind was trying to understand, but at the same time wanted to forget. Three words that would have been welcomed a long time ago, but now, those three words held no meaning, or at least that's what my mind was telling me, a loud part of it, the other one was panicking, not expecting that, but somehow urging me to answer, to tighten the embrace, without a clear choice, and the time mercilessly passing, accompanied by silence, I replied vaguely. "Oh, I see"

Ivan's embrace tightened. "You... see?"

I pushed him away, trying to gain some distance between us, barely managing to form coherent phrases. "Look, I do not know... what to say about that... this isn't probably... the best moment to say such things..."

I looked at him, he sat by the table again. Somehow, he managed to look calm which was in a way, an unsettling thing for me. As if I had just answered how the weather was.

I served myself more coffee, after some sips, not bearing the silence, I muttered. "Don't you think Alfred is taking too long?"

Ivan frowned. "How can you brush it out so lightly? It does not matter to you at all?"

I shook my head quickly. "I... I don't know, perhaps it doesn't. Not now."

Seeing his astonished expression, I tried to choose my next words carefully. The whole situation was wrong, and I was making it worst. "That's not what I meant, it's just... you can't throw me all of that conversation at once and expect me to have an immediate answer, it's not that simple."

Ivan replied slowly, as if making sure I listened to all of it. "But Yao, it is, you are the one who complicates everything, you think too much through things, through words and at the end you evade your problems, you should try facing them for once."

With that, being careful was out of my range of thought. I was angry because in a way, I knew he was right. On the other hand, I was not going to let him blame his lack of timing on me. "Excuse you? If I were running away from my problems, I would not be here with you, I would not even talk to you because half of my problems come from you and the other half from Alfred. I am not the one who stays in his house sulking about a past that cannot be changed."

That was harsher than I expected, luckily, Ivan seemed unaffected by it or that's what I thought until he stood up. He didn't looked mad, taking the mug from my hands, I could only watch him, his demeanor was calm but the whole silence through it was scary, he left it by the counter and turned to me, taking some steps, closing the space between us. I felt small, helpless.

After what seemed like an eternity for me, he broke the silence, his voice firm. "I am the one sulking? You keep bringing up the past in every conversation we have, you keep treating me like a child when I obviously am not." He paused, staring down at my hands.

I hadn't noticed, I was trembling, I tried to command myself to stop it but it was pointless, even as he took one of my hands, it kept on shaking, he sighed, lowering his tone. "I even convinced Alfred of staying out, so we could finally talk and you refuse to talk at all, I already apologized, what else do you expect me to do? I can no longer force you to do anything, I have no influence over you, I've respected the boundaries you've set all of this years and you've never tried to approach the issue, you prefer to keep silent until something serious happens, and still, I can't believe you almost passed out in front of my house and refuse to talk about it, you can't blame all of that on me, when you are the one refusing to move forward. I cannot fix alone a problem that concerns both of us."

His hand was cold, I couldn't bring myself to push him back, whilst my hands were shaking I could only hope that my voice didn't. "I am not blaming you for what happened yesterday, I am blaming you and Alfred of getting me into this sick game you have."