I Call it a Draw

Stop playing the innocent.

Perhaps this would have been easier if he didn't remember.

Yes, that would have been a better scenario, just a "what are you talking about?" or a confused glace, it would have been easier to explain, to give an excuse, to avoid this topic.

Instead of that, he is staring at me, his eyes are wide and he lets go of me quickly, stepping back, fixing his eyes to the ground.

I always hear the others say that Ivan is a harsh person, someone who's apparently not capable of feeling tender emotions, some have even dared to say that he is not capable of felling anything at all. I've always known they are wrong.

Ironically it is quite the opposite of what they say, I think that he is easily overwhelmed by emotions, that's the core of his problems, since almost everyone assumed that he does not care for others at all, he ends up secluded from amiable companies. Being restricted to business and official interactions with others, he complied with what the others think of him and just as they neglect him from his own ability to feel, he plays the part, putting up a cold façade of distant courtesy.

Now this saves a lot of trouble when it comes to others but sometimes I seem to forget it is just a façade and that's the reason why I feel guilty of my astonishment when I see him so wounded right now.

Ivan's voice was strained. "I... why didn't you tell me?"

I averted my gaze, I do not want to see him like this, I know how hard he's tried to gain the trust of everyone again.

He kept on talking. "I wouldn't have..... I... that was more than a decade ago... I won't do that... I wouldn't do that to you... not now, maybe then but not now... you understand that, right?"

"Yao, say something."

I didn't reply, what could I possibly say? I know that this fear I have is illogical but I can't refrain from feeling it. I'd like to tell him that there is nothing to be worried about, that everything is forgotten and forgiven but I can't, it would be a lie.

Alfred's voice broke the silence. "Hey guys, it is normally amusing to third wheel you but right now I feel a bit confused and uncomfortable"

Ivan turned to him, annoyance showing in his face. "Why can't you keep your mouth shut?"

Alfred scoffed. "Sorry but not sorry."

"Stop being so-"

Alfred held his hand towards Ivan shaking his head. "-I'll stop you there, this day has been enough of an emotional rollercoaster for him and I think we could at least stop bickering for today."

For someone who constantly ignores the atmosphere in the world meetings, I am surprised by Alfred's attempt at easing the situation. He is obviously uncomfortable but still tries to maintain his composure.

I replied quietly. "That is really thoughtful of you Alfred"

"Yes, why are you acting that way America?" Ivan inquired furrowing his eyebrows.

I retorted tiredly. "Please..."

Alfred smiled. "Ivan give him a break, go to that... uh... your house, prepare some tea, calm down and then come back here with it."

I observed Ivan's expression, he was about to retort instead he sighed and went on his way into the house.

Alfred sighed too and whispered. "Honestly I didn't think he would do it."

I nodded.

All this could have been avoided if only I had arrived to my house in China as I was supposed to do so, I brought this upon myself and now I have to deal with an issue I've been avoiding for so long. The problem with prolonging discussions is that the more time it passes the more difficult it gets and the more remorseful one feels, letting time pass means that one can reflect on what happened and that incomes in being more aware of the other's way of thinking.