Stories from a Crazy Sub (or 10.000 ways to piss off your loving Dom)

48. My rock!

This chapter will be a little different from what I normally write.

I guess you've noticed how I've not updated as frequently as I sometimes do. This chapter will serve as an explanation as to why, as much as it will be an emotional outlet for me. I hope you will read it as such and not feel too disappointed about missing the funny...

Unlike a lot of people, Christmas is not my favorite season.

I'm not a fan of the expectation to socialize and be merry. You're supposed to visit with family, but very often they stress as much as you do and things don't go well.

This Christmas was no different.

I went to a family gathering with Junior. We were to make homemade decorations and gifts. Exciting, I know!

Master didn't think so either, so he sent us off alone. I was okay with this. I wouldn't put anybody, who doesn't have to, through the drama that is my family.

Unfortunately, I should have insisted, because it turned out I needed him to be there this time.

Most of the day had gone well. We'd been creative and made a few things to take home. As the event was winding down, Baby Sister decided to talk about family gatherings in the future.

Amongst other things, she tried to explain that how we had been doing Christmas's for the last few years was becoming really stressful for her.

Here we celebrate Christmas on December 24. with big traditional family dinners, singing and dancing around the tree and exchanging gifts. But because of divorce in the family, this big event was starting to take over December 23. too. And it was expected that we celebrated the 23. in the divorce household just like a "real" Christmas eve.

Sounds like a piece of cake right? I mean two Christmases, who wouldn't love that?

Introverts and people with social anxiety, that's who!

Long story short, this did not go over well with the host.

I supported my sister in her ideas. It wasn't that we didn't want to visit on the 23., we just wanted it to be toned down a little. That way we would be able to attend a family gathering in the divorce household and still have enough social energy left to be able to enjoy Christmas eve.

Middle sister had up and vanished right at the beginning of the discussion, stating that she couldn't handle that kind of talk right now, leaving the two of us to take all the heat.

The host went off on us big time! She accused us of choosing our in-laws over our blood relatives and of being selfish ingrates, pointing out that our mother was sick and we hadn't noticed, implying that it was because we didn't care. (She was not taking into account the fact that our mother would lie every time we asked her how things were going, because she didn't want us to worry.)

I tried to explain to her that I have a full time job, a father dying of cancer and a family of my own to take care of. It's not that I don't care. I just don't have enough hours in a day. But this got twisted too. I was told it was ridiculous to be so busy that we had to plan events months in advance. It took the spontaneity out of things.

Complaint after complaint got heaped on us until all I could do was retreat. Since I was driving Baby Sister and my nephew home, I told her and Junior to get their things, because we were leaving. NOW!

When we got in the car, I called Master. I was supposed to cook dinner when I got home, but I asked him if he would please order takeout for us as I was in no condition to cook.

I was fighting to hold myself together enough to drive safely. I almost couldn't breathe and tears were running freely. My family member had made me feel like the most horrible person alive, making me question if I was indeed a bad person in general and a bad daughter specifically.

Master could hear me breaking over the phone and ordered me to drive home instead of going to Baby Sister's house first. He would take her home and get us dinner on the way back.

When we got to the house, he was waiting outside. He hugged me really close, told Junior to go inside to watch cartoons in the office and told me to hang in there until he got home. Like a coward, I just nodded and hoped Baby Sister would explain the situation to him in the car.

As he drove off, I made my way inside and onto the couch where I hid under a blanket and proceeded to cry my heart out. I still couldn't breathe properly. It felt like my world was crashing down around me and that I only had myself to blame for it.

I don't know how much time passed before Master got home, but somehow it simultaneously felt like it took forever and no time at all.

He brought home Thai takeout and with his calming presence he helped me to stop crying before he would let me have my dinner.

When we were done eating and after asking me if I wanted him to go yell at everyone involved in making me cry, we talked for a very long time. He helped me to see that the situation hadn't been of my making and that my family member had problems and hurts of their own which they had pushed onto me and Baby Sister, to make themselves feel better.

He told me that they would have to be blind if they couldn't see how hard I worked to make people around me happy and that they didn't deserve to be around me if they could willingly ignore that.

It took a couple of days before I could truly breathe again and Master spent the entire time keeping a close eye on me.

I think the drive home is the closest I've ever been to a panic attack. The only thing forcing me to stay together was the fact that I wasn't alone in the car.

And I believe Master has the same idea, because I'm currently not allowed to visit my family member without him going, too.

If I want to see them, it has to be when he has time to go with me. He wants to be able to protect me if they start up again, because he knows they will be able to break me. And he'll not let me go into a situation like that again.

As my Master, he has promised to protect me. And that promise includes protection from emotional abuse, be it from myself, family members or anyone else.

This whole experience has been weighing on my mind. It has been draining most of my extra energy thinking about how a person I love and respect so much has carried this kind of anger towards me. Because the words she had for me were not only about new grievances, this was an anger built up over time. The talk about family gatherings had just been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm working on my emotional well-being, because I don't want this to start a new downwards spiral. That's why I have chosen to share this with you. I've found, that sharing things here make them feel lighter to carry. The simple task of writing it out makes a situation clearer by forcing me to put words on my emotions and look at them from different angles.

And because I have the best readers in the world, you deserve to know why I have been practically AWOL.

This ended up a lot longer than I thought it would. So I'll stop my ramblings now and just try to promise that our regular scheduled craziness will return soon.

The End

January 24. 2020

This chapter is dedicated to:
DanGarrett
DianaQ78
Alphasub1987

Thank you for all the help writing this!