Reap What You Sow 🌈

Chapter 1

Rory wasn't easily flustered. His heartbeat didn't increase when he was doing an oral test, when he got his driving lessons or when he was on a cliff, ready to bungee jump.

This night, however, he hadn't been able to sleep at all. Today was his 18th birthday. His six older brothers and sister would come to their parent's house, together with their families, just like the two grandparents that were still alive. It was one of the few moments they were all together, and so Rory had decided to tell it to them today.

That he was into boys.

There was only one birthday present he was hoping for — their acceptance. Not something he was counting on, since he was part of a community that was strictly Christian. No one spoke about homosexuality — it was something that didn't exist in the perfect little town of Duinberg.

There were no gay people living in Duinberg.

Well — it turned out there were. Rory lived in Duinberg. And there was nobody with whom he could talk about his feelings.

Two years ago he had fallen in love for the first time, with a boy from school. He had never acted on it, he had always hoped that his feelings would go away. Which, indeed, had happened. However, when he started to develop feelings for someone else, it was again a boy. By now, Rory had no choice but to admit to himself that it was true.

He was gay.

He struggled with it for months now, feeling filthy because the Bible spoke out against homosexual acts. But he needed to vent to someone. Although he had always considered himself as a cheerful person, somberness had gotten ahold of him. People had asked him what was going on. Friends. His parents. His sister and brothers. He had never dared to be honest, he had never found the courage to tell them what was bothering him.

But today he would tell them. Now they were all together. Then he could just get over it and move on with his life.

. . .

The intention was there — practice was more difficult. It felt like he was in a henhouse; more than thirty people were talking. All of his six brothers and his sister were married, all before they turned twenty as was custom in their community. Rory was much younger than them. Closest in age was his sister, who was still five years older. His oldest brother, Bertus, was fifteen years older. His oldest daughter was only four years younger than Rory himself.

In the end, the opportunity to tell them the truth was handed to him. Ruben, his youngest brother with which he could get along better than with the others, wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Already eighteen years, kid." He ruffled Rory's blond hair. "It's about time you find yourself a pretty girl. What about Tina? She's beautiful."

Rory thought about Tina. She was as blond as he was — and two heads taller. Her laughter sounded terrible, that was all he could hear when he thought about the girl. He took a deep breath. Immediately, all faces were turned towards him; everyone expected big news.

Well — it was big news.

Just not what they hoped to hear.

Rory cleared his throat. "Well... Actually... There is something I wanted to tell you. About that."

His mother leaned forward on the couch, a smile on her face. It hurt to know that that smile would soon fade.

Should he really go through with this? Hurt them like that? Or would they realize that this hadn't been his choice either, that he had also asked God to make him straight? After today, would they still love him?

"Is it Jenna?" His mom asked. "You two would be such an adorable couple!"

An adorable couple. Rory thought about the boys he had been interested in up to now. They hadn't been exactly sweethearts — usually, he fell for the guys with the biggest mouths. Who — even in Duinberg — dared to break the rules.

"No," he answered softly. "I uh — I think... I think I can't fall in love with girls."

A deadly silence fell. Rory flinched, wishing he could vanish.

He bent his head, he could no longer stand their dismayed staring.

"Of course you can," his mother said eventually. "You're just a late bloomer, Rory. You'll find love. You're only eighteen! Some day, a nice girl will cross your path, who will make your heart beat faster."

Rory bit his cheek. He could leave it at this. Yet, he knew he would soon wish that he had told them the truth today.

"There have been people who made my heart beat faster," he said quietly. "A few times, actually. But — but they are always boys."

Silence. A very deep silence. It even felt like no one dared to breathe.

Rory swallowed, wringing his hands. Cautiously he lifted his head and peeked around the room. His mother pressed a hand against her chest as if she was having a heart attack. The others just stared at him as if he was a creature from outer space.

"Impossible," his father said firmly. "Don't say such foolish things, Rory. You know that's against nature."

Against nature or not — Rory couldn't do much about his feelings. If it was up to him, they would have disappeared a long time ago. He said nothing, he simply didn't know what to say. He didn't have the answers either. All he had, were doubts and questions.

"It's just a phase," Bertus spoke. "I see it more and more at the school I'm working at. These days, the youth wastes too much time labeling their gender and sexuality. This will pass. It's just a trend. People feel the need to be different."

It was not a trend. Rory couldn't think of anyone else struggling with this. "I don't want to be different," Rory answered annoyed. "I'm barely 5'2. Much smaller than all the other boys. I already stand out." He took a deep breath. "I'm struggling with this for over two years and it was very hard to tell you this. This isn't just a phase. It's —"

"A disease," his father snapped. "There is an unclean spirit inside you who makes you ill."

It felt like his father kicked him in the stomach. He bent over. In vain, he hoped that someone would contradict his words, but they didn't.

"Calm down, Dad," Ruben spoke in a reconcile tone. "There are conversion therapies for this."

Rory had read about them. Therapies where they gave their patients electric shocks while they were looking at homoerotic images. Something he had already tried himself by looking up these images online and hurting himself.

It hadn't been effective. It was no behavior that could be punished; this was part of who he was.

"I don't want that," he said quietly. "There is no proof it works."

"Then you will go to a healing ministry," his father said determinedly.

Rory had been praying for a different mindset for years. It hadn't changed his feelings. He lacked faith in such a thing, but he was prepared to give it a chance. For his family.

"Yeah," he muttered. "I can do that."

There was no relief filling the room. Apparently, the others hadn't much faith in a healing ministry either.

Suddenly his mother started to sob. "How is this possible, Rory? You were always such a sweet boy... Where are those disgusting longings coming from? What did we do to deserve this? Imagine what people think of us when they find out we raised a homosexual!"

Rory bent his head. He didn't want to cause his family any trouble, he never wanted any of this. This had never been his decision! He also wanted his feelings to go away — he wanted it for years! But they didn't go away. They simply didn't go away.

A tear itched down his cheek. "I'm sorry mama," he whispered.

His mother only started to cry harder.

And while all his brothers and his sister were trying to comfort mother, there was no one who wrapped an arm around Rory's shoulders. As if he was unworthy of their comfort.

Unworthy of their love.