Divergence is Dangerous || Currently Being Edited

Chapter Ten

I've always thought of the Chasm as calming. Even though it's rough waves crash against the rocks causing disorder. It gives me a sense of empowerment. That I can find my divergence and make it through Dauntless initiation. But then there's one part of that thinks 'I will not make it'. I don't want to be factionless. I could be. But that's the easy way out. After the walk with Tris I go back to the dormitories. And just lay there on my bed. Imagining what could become of me. One part of me wants to give up. To just be factionless. But another part of me wants to show every initiate. That I can do it. That I am not a coward. That I can be Dauntless. I will be Dauntless. The sleep consumes me. I have a dreamless night of darkness. I jolt awake by the banging on the steel railing. I grab my clothes and strip off my dirty clothes. I grab a black tank, a pair of black jeans and my black boots. Sometimes I wonder why the Dauntless wear black. Black isn't a color of bravery. Maybe it symbolizes something. Like how the Candor wear black and white. Because they see the truth as black and white. Or how Abnegation want to be forgotten. To be unnoticed. Undetected. I admire them for that. I want to say that I am Abnegation that I can live a life of selflessness. But I cannot, I am too selfish. One part of me wants to feel regret for abandoning my parents, to live a new life of bravery. But I don't regret leaving, I regret not sad about the act of abandoning my parents. I wanted to be free, and in a sense I did. But there is one thing I learned in the process, With the active faction system, no one could be free. Our society feeds on the idealization of belonging to one thing. But I believe that it is not true. They separate us, to appearently keep the peace. There is no peace. Are they afraid of us? Of what we can achieve if we weren't in just one faction. If we belonged to more than one faction. Is that why they're so afraid of divergents. Is that why they are so threatened. I run to the Pit and see our three instructors: Eric, Tris and Four. Eric is like a babysitter that spends his free time polishing his guns. His cold eyes make him so scary. Intimidating even. I wouldn't be surprised if he's killed someone before. His cold tone in his voice proves my point. I always seem to be the first person here. I stare at Eric, his cold eyes piercing through me. Penatrating my armor. Somehow I am not afraid. I find that everyone is afraid of him. I don't blame him. He's quite frightening in a sense. But in a sense he's just a coward. Ragging on everyone for being a coward. Maybe he's afraid. Or he's just butthole. Then the rest of the transfers start pouring. Huffing and puffing out of breath. I wonder why it takes them so long to get to the Pit. Considering it's just down the hall, down the stairs. They must be doing something else. But seriously how long does it take to change and walk down the hall, down the stairs. It questions their maturity. 

"Okay initates, today you will be learning how to throw a knife," say Eric. His voice as harsh and cold as his personalitiy. He leads us to a wall with multiple targets, similar to the ones we used when shooting guns, but thinner. "Four will demostrate," continues Eric his cold eyes looking around the room. As if piercing a hole in the initiates persense. Tris hands Four the knife. He draws the knife behind his ear, then flings it forward with such strength. The knife hits dead center. A collection of gasps around the room arupts. He is very fasinating. Although he is Dauntless, he has Abnegation fingers. Long, slender fingers. We rush to the table where the knifes are located. Everyone furiocously slapping everyone's hands. Saying 'hey! That's my knife' or 'I had dibs'. I stay behind waiting for everyone to grab their knifes. Maybe that's my Abnegation peaking out. Or maybe I just don't want to acidently stab me in the hand. After the crowd demises I grab the remanding knifes. I walk up to a target. Mimicing Four's techinque. I draw back my weapon then fling it to the target. I hit the center. I get the hang of it after a few times. I get used to the feeling of the cold metal against my skin. After the few hours are up we walk to lunch. I look at the selections. Something I'm used to: a ham sandwich with American cheese. I had this a few times. I sit down next to Four and Tris.

"Hi, so how you doing?" I ask. I've seen people from other factions say this. In Abnegation we usually don't walk us to someone to greet them. It would make us get noticed. Which was of course the exact oppisite of what we were trying to do. Be forgotten. I want to believe I could carry on this Abnegation thought in Dauntless. But I can't. Everyone will notice me in these Dauntless clothes. Something I sacrifed when I joined Dauntless. I want to be selfless. But now that I'm Dauntless, how can do this?

"Good. You?" says Tris waking me up from my thoughts.

"Oh, fine." I say a little confused.

"Oh Carter you did good today in training," say Four. I nod, accepting the complimite. Something I'm not used to doing. Abnegation usually don't participate in that certian activitiy. Probably something about it being self-indulgent. "Yeah thanks," I say. I really am confused on what to say. "Sorry I just kind of..." I trail off sighing. "Know what to say." I say. I admit it because it's the truth. They start ton laugh. "What?" I say. I can feel my face turning hot.

"Nothing it's just you remind me so much of myself," says Tris. I nod. It is kind of funny. Seeing someone almost exactly like you. I find myself laughing with them.

"I'm going to see Johnny. Bye." I say and get up. They wave goodbye. I find myself waving back. I may not be a Stiff anymore, but it's still in there. Inside of me. As if engraved so I can never forget my past. I walk across the compound to Johnny's apartment. I bump into someone. A woman in grey clothes an Abnegation. I get up and brush the dust off my black jeans. When I look up I see my mother.

"Mom?" I blurt out. She must've been visiting Johnny. But it's not visiting day. And why would see visit us we betrayed her, dad. She walks up to me wrapping her arms around me.

"Wait mom what are you doing here?" I ask. Of course I'm happy to see her, but my curiousity starts to take over.