5SOS Imagines

Calum - Previous Abusive Relationship

Author: Rhine

Trigger Warning: as stated in the title, there will be some mentions of a past abusive relationship

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You didn’t want to be scared anymore.

You didn’t want to have to check over your shoulder wherever you walked, a subconscious habit to see if he was trailing you; you didn’t want to tiptoe through your own house as if you were a guest and not an owner; you didn’t want to have to shrink into yourself so that he could grow bigger in your system, in your life until you had no more space for yourself.

You didn’t want to be the girl who had to wear long sleeves in the summer and cancel plans with friends because this bruise hadn’t healed yet; the girl who had to invest in concealer a little too much, the girl who sat in the corner of the bedroom, both fearing and yearning for a presence that was a little too familiar.

You didn’t want to be a diminished version of yourself anymore, a hollowed-out shell of what used to be a vibrant girl.

But it was hard.

It was hard to remember that you were once a girl who smiled with all her teeth and laughed at bad jokes; a girl who sang loudly in the shower without a care, a girl who ate dessert at two in the morning just because she wanted to.

It was hard to remember the girl you used to be when he would hiss into your ear this is who you are now, his breath hot and rancid in your ear as he snarled out insult after insult.

It was hard to pick yourself up after he kicked you down – he made sure you stayed down, he made sure you would never get up again – and it was even harder to look into the mirror the next morning and smile when all you could see was a dark bruise blossoming on your cheek where your wrinkles of laughter used to be.

And you thought it was you, you thought it was you who did wrong, you thought it was you who was at fault.

It must’ve been you – he wouldn’t have had a reason to treat you that way unless you did something wrong.

Right?

That’s what you told yourself, that’s what you believed.

Because he said he loved you, he said you were his dearest and he said he’d love you forever as he planted soft kisses where he would leave angry bruises the following night.

He loved you and he said it himself and you believed him and you believed yourself when you thought you had given him a reason to lay a single finger on you.

You were a little too rude to him. You were a little too flirty with his friends. You were too useless around the house.

You were lucky to have him.

It was your fault and your fault entirely and he was only telling you these things, he was only letting you know all of your wrongs so that you could fix yourself because he loved you and he only wanted to see you at your best.

You were his girl and he only wanted the best for you and he loved you he loved you he loved you.

You told yourself that as you gingerly rubbed ointment on your bruised legs.

He loves me.

You told yourself that after he’d pull on your hair enough to bring tears to your eyes.

He loves me.

You told yourself that after he’d leave you on the floor, his acidic words still seared into your mind, his handprints seared into your skin.