5SOS Imagines

Luke - Regret Losing Your Virginity

Author: Rhine

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You're not sure what it means.

You knew in the moment, of course – what he meant when he whispered the words down your skin, trailing a mark of mumbled words and sloppy kisses all over you, what he meant by every butterfly touch, every sweet echo into your mouth.

You knew what it meant, what he meant in the moment, in that night, his lips open with a meaning so clear even when he said no words.

You don't know what it meant when all the sounds subsided to just his breathing on your shoulder, his arms wrapped loosely around your waist, sheets tangled with you and him and nothing in between.

You don't know what it meant after the moment passed.

After you and him, what it meant for you and him in the first sunlit rays of dawn, when the words are gone and the touches are something foreign on your new skin, after you shed yourself to him the night before.

You don't know who you are in this skin, shrugging on clothes and having the fabric feel different, having his hands feel strange after all the places you've been through with him.

It wasn't him, no – he was perfect, he was everything you ever dreamed of, everything you ever wanted.

And it wasn't you; your teeth biting into your lip when you whispered your consent, when you said I'm ready with sincerity.

It's the space in between you; the lack of thereof the night before and the distances in between come morning when you had to separate.

It's the step, the leap you took with him across the canyon that you once always looked across.

Now that you've jumped, you don't know where you landed.

-

You didn't know how to tell him.

How to explain that after you've been bared whole to him, you're afraid there's nothing left – nothing left for him, nothing left of you, nothing he hasn't seen, nothing he hasn't touched, nothing he hasn't tasted.

How after that night, you can't shrug on the skin you shed for him to be the girl he loved before, how you're different without it in the daylight.

You've taken that step with him and you don't know where it leads; what it means for you and him after there was no more secrets except for the ones you whispered into his skin, giving him everything you didn't even know was hidden.

You haven't been yourself, but you don't even know who that is anymore in this new skin that has his fingers imprinted all over it.

Was there something....wrong?

No – I just.... I just don't know where we go from here.

You tell the curly-haired drummer, the boy who wouldn't spill the different secrets that you whispered to him.

Your cheeks are tinged red and you don't know how to approach the subject, but he takes your hesitation and gives his patience, takes your embarrassment and gives his calm.

I'm afraid that we're.... we're different after that. What we have. It's something more and I don't know if I can give him that, if I can be that.

Don't be silly He loves you all the same.

But it's not the same. You know that.

And he knows that there's only one person that can soothe the knots in your shoulders, only one person who can take the worry out of your knitted eyebrows and kiss all those troubled thoughts away.

It's the one person whose touch you're afraid to read now, whose taste is a little stronger in your mouth.

Luke.

It's nothing to worry about.

But it meant everything and I don't even know what it all means now – after... after that.

You try to remember Ashton's words despite your nervous smiles whenever Luke looks at you now.

He loves you all the same.

So then why does it feel like everything's changed?

-

He knows something's wrong.

He can feel it in the way his touch seems too foreign on your skin, how your smiles never reach your eyes, how you hold yourself differently around him, how there's a tension behind the effortless grace that he so loved.

He knows what it was, he knows why – you haven't been the same since that night.

At first, he had all the wrong ideas – all the worst thoughts running through his mind – until a certain tanned drummer clasped him on the shoulder and told him about the worry that laced your voice and the tears that budded your eyes, your hesitation and your nervousness in the thoughts that you knew were silly but overtook your mind all the same.

He's afraid to address the subject, afraid of what you'll say, afraid of how he won't be able to respond – but he knows you're even more so.

So he brushes his lips faintly across the top of your head and he tries to hold you right, like he did that night; how you curved into him and god, he wants that more than ever.

I'm sorry.

Because he should've known, he should've come to you sooner – hell, maybe you should've even talked about this before – but he didn't and now you can't even meet his eyes.

I – you don't have anything to be sorry about, Luke. It's... it's just...

You know the only thing that's changed, he cups your chin, trying to tilt your head to meet his searching eyes, is that I finally showed you how much you mean to me? I – I finally could do something with that love, in more than just kisses and words, I could finally feel it in a way that's with you, only you.

You close your eyes and rest your head on his, trying to calm your fluttering heart at his gentle words.

We took a step. And – and I know that scares you a little, because it's different from how it was before, what we have between us isn't the same.

You finally look at him and you see the soft understanding in his eyes, his hands wrapping around your shoulders to bring you closer.

It's something more – it's... more than just an I love you. And it doesn't have to be something bad or something scary, babe. It just means that –

He kisses your forehead lightly, whispering the words into your hair.

I love you, for the everything you've given me. I love you in a way that is more than just words and actions; in a feeling that we shared that night. That we'll continue to share. It's something new, and it's more... connected than we were before. Does that make sense?

You nod slightly, his chin resting on the top of your head, and you feel him smiling at your small gesture.

Better?

He rubs his nose with yours, his hands still gently on your jaw.

Infinitely. Thank you.

Thank you. For giving me something so special. For being so special to me.

He smiles and you think you feel his touch warming away the numb strangeness that overcame your body since that night.

Anything for you, Luke.

And everything for you.

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