Behind the scenes

Chapter 7

If you get triggered about things to do with weight, eating disorders, panic attacks, self harm and suicidal thoughts then I strongly advise you to rethink your choices in reading this chapter as there are a few intense and emotional moments.

This chapter goes into some extreme detail concerning panic attacks and self harm.

Do not read if these things upset you. If any of you are having trouble with these things then you can always talk to me.

I'm always available to talk too and will always try my best to reply within 12 hours

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This chapter is shorter than the others, only by a few hundred words though

You are a disgrace.

I woke up to the voice just gone three, panic squeezing my chest. Sweat drenched my hair, sticking it to my forehead like a second layer of skin. If I just breath, nice and slowly, I would be able to control my erratic heartbeat and calm myself down. It pounded heavily against my chest, so intense that I literally thought it was either going to burst through or I was going to have a heart-attack. It felt as though my body jerked with every beat, the thump echoing around my head like a humongous drum. My hand pressed down lightly on my chest in an attempt to try and control my breathing, feeling the usually smooth up and down to be more ragged and rough. I was hyperventilating slightly/

If I just keep doing this then I will be fine. It worked last time. 

Calm down. Calm down. Breath. Calm down and breath.

I kept repeating that same phrase over and over, but it didn't do anything to fend off the panic that rapidly filled my body. It took over my senses, flooded everything so that all I could focus on was the panic. There was no air around me to breath. It was all suffocating and the fact that the walls were steadily closing in did not help at all.

Last time you weren't so sleep deprived and fuelled on coffee. There's no way you're stopping this one.

I couldn't have a panic attack. Not right now. Not when everyone was asleep. There were some people that were able to have quiet panic attacks when they kept it all inside - I was not one of those people. When it happened it was a case of 'Go big or go home'. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, forcing trembles to run along my limbs as I squeezed my eyes shut, clamping my hand tight over my mouth to try and dampen the sounds of my rapid breathing and quickly approaching sobs.

And of course, just when it really counted, any and all coping strategies had flown completely out of the window.

How long do hold my breath? Do I breath through my mouth or my nose first? Am I going to pass out? If I pass out will I die? 

The word 'die' echoed inside my head, increasing the panic by one hundred. I was going to die. If I can't breath soon I was going to die. Without oxygen you die. Your eyesight goes first which makes sense because everything was blurry even though my eyes were wide open. It was like I was looking through a kaleidoscope as tears began to blind me. 

Questions endlessly spun around at a dizzying pace, nausea flipping my stomach over as tingles descended on my fingers. An invisible hand pinched my nose and smothers my mouth, squeezing at my throat and trying to stop me breathing. The anxiety and panic was like icy water that started at my feet, slowly making it's way up my body and numbing me to the world. I needed to get out. I needed to get out of this bed. I should get out of the bed and go to the bathroom. That's where I went last time - the walls turned out to be pretty sound proof...that or everyone just ignored the fact I was crying.