Behind the scenes

Chapter 5

"Look...I'm gonna be really honest with you and myself right now," Jooheon began, leaning forwards in his chair as he clasped his hands together. "I have been a complete asshole since the line-up and I really don't have an excuse. Yes, I was upset when you stood where I once thought Gunhee should be and I still am but at the same time, I really need to move on. You were put into this group because you have the talent and...we need to start recognising that. And I feel so shit because I only started to recognise this when I noticed how skinny you are, how you haven't been eating and how tired you are. It took you not being well for me to realise something was really wrong."

"Hyung..." I started, scratching my head lazily as I lent back into my chair.

"Not done. I know this is really late and I know you probably hate all of us now but...at least accept my apology. You can hate my guts for the rest of your life if you want to but at least acknowledge that I have tried," he finished.

I used to think that if they apologised, it would be all hugs and kisses. I thought we'd smile, laugh and just sweep it all under the rug like it was no big problem. Apologies fixed everything, right? Not in this case. Of course, I could see where he was coming from. Instead of giving me a grovelling apology and begging for forgiveness, he was making sure I knew how much he knew he had done wrong. I kind of wanted to forgive him, pat his shoulder and tell him it was all OK - that was only a small part of me though. This small part of me was also emotional and ready to dissolve into tears, sob until my throat was raw and I was dehydrated. The larger and more vocal part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off and that he deserved to feel so guilty. After all, it was because of the way that they had treated me that I was starving and overworking myself. It was because of the things that they said that I was constantly putting myself down. It was all because of them.

But then, my mothers voice came to me, softer than a rose petal and lighter than a feather. Forgiveness is the way forwards.

Sometimes, the smaller voice is the wiser voice.

"I'm not saying I completely forgive you yet and I am not saying that I ever will. I understand why you acted the way you had for the first week and I get that me entering the competition halfway was a shock. But at the same time, it's been nearly two months and I am still being bullied by everyone," I softly began, biting my lip as I chose my words very carefully. Heat rushed to my cheeks as my heart thudded like a drum, my palms became sticky with sweat. "When they asked me to join the show all I saw was an opportunity to debut, anyone else in my position would have taken up the offer. Honestly, if I knew that all of this would have happened...my answer to joining the show would have been different."

"So...what are you saying?" Jooheon questioned. Sighing, I brought my hand to my forehead and rubbed at the skin, a habit of mine when I became stressed.

"If I had the choice to go back and reject the offer, I would. Without a doubt."

"Are we really that bad?" Jooheon whispered, trying his best to keep a straight face but his eyes betrayed him. I didn't respond, only taking a sip of water from my bottle of water to stop my stomach from grumbling. "I-i-if I'd known you felt this way...I really have no excuse. I am so sorry, Changkyun. I really am. I just felt so pissed at you because I felt like you were getting a free ride in and...I just didn't want to accept you into the group."

"I would have done it too," I muttered. Jooheon glanced up, meeting my eyes for a mere few seconds before abruptly looking elsewhere.

"I don't know about the others but I am going to make it up to you," Jooheon stated, leaning forwards and resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm not sure how I will but I will."

"Just caring is enough," I spoke, closing my eyes as a lump ached its way into existence in my throat. Here it comes, the emotions that I had successfully held back behind a barrier for so long were making their appearance. Just the idea of Jooheon beginning to care about my existence was enough to make my eyes sting from the tears that started to form. It was just like the first time back in the small room before we practised our raps. He said his piece and then I cried because someone was actually beginning to make an effort. I took a deep and shaky breath, wiping away the stray tear that somehow escaped my shut eyes. Weak. So fucking weak. "Sorry."