Behind the scenes

Chapter 4

I'm really not sure about the quality of this chapter, it may seem a bit broken at points as I had to change the order around quite a lot.

There I was again, grabbing my knees to steady myself as we finished the last run through for a dance. The others seemed to be completely fine as they wondered over to their bags, grabbing their bottles and hydrating themselves.

I was pretty sure if I moved I would make it as far as the floor. 

My whole body cried at me to stop and just sit down. Pain seared through my knee and right shoulder, merging with the pounding in my head, the burning behind my drooping eyes steadily increased and the agony that my empty stomach kept on hitting me with every few minutes was becoming more and more agonising. I knew that there was no way I would be able to eight hours of extra practice like last night, but I could still try for at least three. I was sure my body could handle that. Right?

"Maknae, you staying for extra practice?" Kihyun questioned, not sparing me a second glance as I nodded. "Good, your footing was really off today."

"Actually, stay until you've managed to get that whole dance down because you keep messing it up," Minhyuk scolded, reaching down and yanking his bag from the floor. I nodded, stumbling over to my chair and grabbing a bottle of water. 

"Just...make sure you're home by one at least," Jooheon interrupted, sending a light glare at the others. 

"Come on, let's go," Shownu called, holding the door open. They all trailed over, exhaustion clear as they wiped sweat from their foreheads and drank from their bottles. No one spared me a second glance as they left, allowing the door to shut harshly once they'd left. And then I was alone, breathing heavily and aching in places I didn't know I could ache. It was tempting to just sit down and rest for an hour, but if I sat down then I knew it was highly likely I wouldn't get up again. My stomach grumbled, crying to be full as I ignored it and took a gulp from my water in hopes it would quench the hunger for at least thirty minutes. 

I turned the music back on, positioning myself in the middle of the room and staring at the mirror so I could make sure I was doing everything right. Everything was fuzzy as I blinked several times to focus. It was almost as though someone had placed smudged glass in front of my eyes and shoved earphones deep into my ears. I was fine though.

I had to be.

****

It didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't fine. 

In fact, I was very far from fine.

I had to have been at least six hours into my extra practice, and everything went terribly downhill. I was becoming sluggish, barely able to catch my breath as I gasped like a fish out of water. Pain travelled all along my shoulder and knee, turning more agonising with every passing second. But of course, me being me, I decided to ignore it.

You don't deserve a break. You aren't good enough to have a break, keep going until you physically can't.

Fatigue clouded my senses and desperation to be perfect fuelled my motivation as I began to wobble my way through the first few steps. Even if I felt like I was going to collapse, I had to keep going. I couldn't stop. If I stopped then I would disappoint everyone and that was the one thing my mother had said I couldn't be. A disappointment.  Staring at myself in the mirror, all I could see was a sweaty, exhausted sorry excuse of an Idol lurching around the practise room. Somehow, tears had managed to escape my burning eyes, carving paths through the sweat that clung to my face. My lips were dry and cracked, on the verge of splitting and bleeding if I didn't drink or get some lip balm on them soon. Halfway through the song, shivers shook through my body, snot dribbling from my nose as I stopped moving without even realising.