Behind the scenes

Chapter 1

I just want to say I have nothing against the other Monsta X members, I love each and every single one of them. This is just a story about what happened after No Mercy, or at least what thankfully did not happen.

Also...Wonho better become a solo artist or something if he doesn't come back to Monsta x.

The first chapter will be shorter than the others.

Also, trigger warning (this applies for the whole story as mature themes will be discussed throughout)

Do not read if these things upset you (self-harm, depression, eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia, bullying and abuse). If any of you are having trouble with these things then you can always talk to me.

I'm always available to talk too and I will always, always respond within 12 hours.

***

The day the line-up was announced had been an exhausting experience.

Just thinking about the relief and guilt that overwhelmed me made my stomach turn with anxiety, butterflies violently fluttering to life. I'd been relieved because I was finally able to debut in a financially stable company. I'd been relieved because I could finally drop the stress that I'd dragged along with me since the start of the show. But then overwhelming guilt had quickly crushed me, reminding me I was only on that stage at the expense of someone else. The hood that the stylist had dressed me in helped to cover the tears that welled up when the show had finally come to a close. 

Even now, the whole situation brutally stole the breath from my lungs.

After that day, I was forced to endure deafening silence from all of the members - even Jooheon who had been the first to open up before the show ended. Whenever I joined the others in the front room, the conversation would abruptly stop and they would shuffle away as if I was diseased. When we had breaks during dance practice the others would occupy one side of the room whereas I would isolate myself on the other. I managed to put up with all of the petty little things the others did, even if it meant I went without a few meals or I had to sleep without a pillow. It saved any arguing or fighting. I would stay a few hours extra after practice, perfecting dances and raps until the early hours to stop the sly remarks or glares I received when I messed up. I had been OK with it for the first week. I had believed it would only last a week.

But then that week turned into a month. 

Their attitude towards me seemed to continuously spiral downhill. Harsh comments on my appearance, constantly being insulted and even some shoulder brushes had taken me by surprise at first. I thought even they wouldn't stoop that low. I still went without meals whenever Kihyun 'accidentally' served the others too much food or just blatantly ignored the fact that I had arrived a few minutes after the others and hadn't bothered to save any. I walked to the studio when the other guys all got a lift in the van without telling me, just because they don't want to be in the same vehicle as an 'ugly cheater'. I woke himself up when Kihyun stopped bothering, deciding if the maknae was late it was my own fault. I did everything by myself and never asked for any help, I didn't ask for approval or even simple things like 'what time was it?' I kept quiet during meetings and acted happy for any interviews before going back to withdrawing in on myself. I desperately wished that the relationship we had on screen was our relationship in real life. I desperately wished for a friend, or at least someone to talk to without the risk of getting shouted at or scolded. 

It didn't help that everyone believed everything was fine. No one would guess that I was constantly being put down and ignored. No one even noticed that I was rapidly losing weight at an alarming pace, or that I never looked anyone in the eyes or that I now hated it when others touched me despite the fact that just a little over a month ago, I would always welcome a hug. It drove me to think that maybe no one simply cared enough.