Behind the scenes

Chapter 3

I collapsed to my knees the second the music stopped.

Everything ached; pain continuously pulsated through my limbs and the pounding in my head had begun to turn agonisingly dizzying. My shoulder killed every time I lifted my right arm and my knee felt like it was just going to snap due to the amount of times I had stepped hard onto it. My chest tightened, restricting the flow of air into my lungs as I squeezed my eyes shut, calming myself down. I was pretty sure that I was the only person up at this ungodly hour, pushing myself to my limits all just to get some form of recognition from the others. Other groups seemed to get on with no trouble. But then again, other groups didn't have a cheater as a member. Other groups started at the same time and no one joined in halfway through after other members had been kicked out. They all belonged, I didn't. Maybe if I truly belonged then someone would have forced me back to the dorm by now and shoved food down my throat. 

How long had it been since the others left? An hour? Maybe five? I didn't know since I hadn't been watching the time.

I glanced at the flickering numbers on the digital clock, groaning when I saw that it was nearly one in the morning. If I set off to get back to the dorm now then I'd be able to have a shower and get to bed by two at the earliest. That meant that dinner, once again, would have to be missed and icing my knee would just have to wait until tomorrow instead.

The struggle to stand on two legs was near unbearable as I stumbled my way over to my chair and grabbed my phone, disconnecting it from the blue-tooth speakers.  

You only stayed for an extra three hours? With how much you were messing up today I would have stayed the whole night. Minhyuk's harsh words from early this morning forced their way to the surface. So far I had stayed an extra five hours...maybe a few more wouldn't hurt? Even if my bones were begging me to lie down and my stomach groaned and throbbed from hunger, the determination to be better was enough to overcome anything else. I had to stay longer. I had to practice and improve. Staying longer would help me to lose weight and stop all of the negative comments from the others. Plus, they could go longer without me being there. 

I guess you could call it a win-win situation.

****

I arrived back at the dorm at four that morning, shivering from the early chill that stole all of my bodily heat.

I needed to shower. I needed to eat. I needed to sleep. I needed to do a lot of things even though I couldn't do anything but stumble towards the doorway of the front-room. My hand made contact, weakly gripping the cold material in an attempt to keep myself from falling down towards the hard, wooden floor. 

The pain from my aching muscles and screaming headache were relentlessly beating me down, forcing nausea to rise in my stomach but it was no use since there was nothing to throw up. The bottle that had been held in my feeble grip dropped and fell to the floor with a loud thud, echoing in the empty room but I ignored it, too tired to even comprehend the consequences of possibly waking the others up. Everything was cold. My nose leaked a little bit and my eyes stung and watered from the severe lack of sleep. Even my jacket that had done little to protect me against the night air on the walk back felt so heavy that it would drag me to the ground. Now I thought about it, my mind was so foggy that I had no recollection of the journey. 

I had been so out of it that I hadn't processed coming back to the dorms. Did a lock up after myself? Did I remember everything? Did I leave a mess?

The questions quickly became nothing more than a slight noise in the back of my mind. My feet barely obeyed my orders as I moved my legs forwards, wincing at the now hot pain in my knee. My shoulder also still throbbed from earlier, just adding to the misery of being an Idol about to debut. I fell into the sofa, groaning slightly as my knee hit the soft cushions a little harder than expected. Any energy I had left at that point was spent rolling myself onto my back so I was facing the ceiling.