Love Me Until I Die (BxB)

13 - BFF

When I woke up this morning there were tears in my eyes. Although I don't remember crying or even dreaming about something sad I feel like every day starts off the same. I can't even recognize my own body anymore. Is this what I've become?

These thoughts are eating me from the inside. I know they're stupid. I know they don't make any sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. Living on the verge feels like torture and it seems like everything would be fine if I just stopped resisting. But I can't. I can't let go.

I know it would be easier if I did. It would probably be less suffocating but I have to fight it. For Elena. For Ian. For my friends. For my family. For me...

Why does it feel like every day it becomes harder to get up or to even open my eyes? Playing a game that you know you'll lose is no fun. What do I even gain from this? Is there a prize at the end of the match? Oh, that's right. I almost forgot... Losers don't get prizes. Only winners do. But I can't win against death. No one can.

Sorry for sounding so overdramatic. I just miss being oblivious and innocent. When even the simplest things could make me smile. Like how buying delicious food could fill me with joy or how smelling a fresh blooming rose in Elena's garden in the morning was enough to keep me happy for the rest of the day.

But most of all I miss spending time with you. I hope we can still be like that one day.

Do I sound weird when I say stuff like that? I bet I do. My mood keeps changing every day so sometimes you get these kinds of annoying and meaningless letters. Not that other letters have any meanings either but these ones probably seem so silly to you. Anyway, I'll head out now. I don't want to be late for class.

Love, your son.

***

"What the fuck, dude! You ruined my jacket!" Ian practically yelled when he saw the bullet hole.

"I'm sorry, Ian, next time I get shot I'll make sure your clothes don't get damaged!" I threw a sarcastic clapback at him while pouting my lips angrily.

"When you said you would give it back I thought it was implied that the jacket itself wasn't going to have a hole. What am I supposed to do now?" He tossed it on his bed as he sat next to it before leaning back and placing his back on the sheets.

"I'll buy you a new one, I promise..." I replied, feeling a little mad that Ian didn't even bother to ask if I was okay but then I remembered he was always like this.

"Ugh..." He let out an exaggerated sigh. "And when will that be exactly?"

"Soon..." I couldn't give him a specific day because I also had to save some money from my paycheck. I needed to pay back the loan to uncle and of course the food expenses, not to mention my medications. I was basically screwed. "Just use mine until then."

"I don't like using your stuff. They smell weird." He glowered.

"Excuse you, bitch, they smell nice because unlike you I actually wash my clothes." I glazed at the window to check the weather since I needed to go somewhere soon.

"You're so infuriating." Ian turned his body around to lie on his stomach.

"I gotta go! See you later, bro!" I forced a smile before getting up and heading towards the door.

"Stop calling me that! We're not brothers!" He growled.

"Bye, sis!" I let out a silent laughter. "Does that sound better?"

"Just leave before I strangle you!" He raised his head to glare at me.

"Love ya!" I winked and got outside the dorm.