pistanthrophobia / l.h - book I

15

15. amnesia
this chapter is inspired by the song amnesia by 5sos,they helped me to remember who
i wanted to be, even when i wanted to forget
everything else. love you<3

luke
i think it's best if you leave..

ileana's words kept replaying over and over in my head.

did i really fuck up that badly? i have no idea.

i don't even know what i really even did.

she doesn't tell me things like she used to.

i used to be the first one ileana ran to for anything and everything.

so why she's being so mad all of a sudden..

it just makes zero sense..

or does it make sense you just don't see it?

i don't know..

it's so hard to give her space.

the more she pushes me away the more i wan't to make her stay. all i want to do is hold her.

she doesn't realize i see more than i say.

but,i also don't think she realizes she shows more than she says.

you can see the pain, in every way.
her eyes practically scream for help.

i can see how frantic she gets over the little things..

shut up hemmings, go think about someone else for once, why is it always about ileana.

don't you have a girlfriend ? text her.

i realize i haven't really gave too much attention to odessa lately, i probably should text her.

so i do.

as i text my girlfriend, i can't take my mind off of ileana.

i've never seen her so hurt in all my years of knowing her, ever.

i think thats what scared me most.

seeing her so torn and broken down, vincent putting his hands on her, then seeing those awful cuts she gave herself..

it made me so sick to see the girl i see as my bestfriend to be hurting herself and to be so hurt.

as i started to think of everything going on,
i started to feel hot with anger, i couldn't control it.

i started to hit and throw whatever was in my sight.

after making another mess in my room— since i never cleaned up the one from the day of the fight, it was chaos in there.

i need to get out..

i need to forget..

i take my keys, and storm down the stairs, my mom probably wasn't home anyway but if she was i didn't wanna give her a reason to tell me i couldn't leave, because i didn't wanna listen, i wouldn't listen.

as i was driving, i could see all the places me and ileana spent our time as children.

as i went deeper into the city, the deeper the history went.

there was the park where we had our first picnic.

the house we went to our first house party and got completely shitfaced and she took care of me.

the more i started to see, the faster i would drive.
i couldn't take this.

why is she acting so differently all of a sudden..

everyone says shes okay.

even she does.

what is it that she won't tell me?

is it vincent? did he do something?

if i found out he did something i'm literally going to beat the living hell out of him.

my thoughts are interrupted by a text from odessa saying she wants to hang out.

ugh not now

she's your girlfriend.

go see her.

so i do.

—

ileana
as i sit in the hospital bed, surrounded by all these machines, i can't help but think of luke..

why does everything have to be so complicated all the time.

why can't he just see that it's him.

it's not anyone else hurting me this badly..

yes,vincent gets physical and it hurts like hell.

yes,odessa is annoying and she makes me wanna shoot something.

but,he hurts me far worse because he's supposed to know me the best..

as i sit staring at my phone and contemplate what to do next and who to call, i feel the need to look at my camera roll.

pictures of me and luke everywhere

smiling

laughing

being

with him, i can be myself.

that's why it's so hard to see him, because he doesn't realize the pain he put me through by leaving me hanging..

all he had to do was tell the truth.

i would have been fine.

but now,we're here,without anything fixed or resolved because it's not fair.

why should i have to sit and watch them suck each others faces? i shouldn't. i won't.

he acts like he doesn't know what he's doing.
but he does, just not right now..

if he looked back and saw how much i changed from what he did during the summer, he would see..

but he can't.

and it's no longer my job to make him.

i'm tired..

was my last coherent thought before i drift off into the abyss of sleep.

~~~~~

well hello there, glad to have ya back & reading
*me talking to literally nobody*

nah jk, but i hope you're enjoying it.
i'm gonna be consistent with this story because it WILL be finished by the end of the year and the second book will most definitely have the first chapter out by january.

sooo if you enjoy this, or are curious to see what happens next! i would appreciate if you press the little star to vote, comment ya thoughts, and just add this to your library so you get a notification when i publish a chapter or announcement regarding the book & series as a whole!

i love y'all who take the time to read my book.
stay safe<3
nyla<333