A Mother's Bond

40

Beyoncé  September 30th, 2016
I walked up to the front door of Mama G’s house. Solange rang the doorbell, and we waited. I felt nervous. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see Blue until tomorrow. Jay and I had agreed I needed to follow a stable pattern, but I wanted to see my daughter as soon as possible. My mind was clear for once, and I finally felt like I was getting somewhere. I didn’t want to waste another day wasting away.

Mama G opened the door and grinned at me. “Beyoncé, I don’t suppose you came here to take my big lipped son back?”

I chuckled. “No, I’m sorry Mama. You’re gonna have to hold onto him for a while. I came to see my baby.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “Okay, I had to ask though. You know I always thought you were too good for him, and he just had to go ahead and prove it. Dumbass.”

“Dang, Ma,” Jay complained, walking out of the living room. “I’m already well-done, take me out the oven already. You always gotta roast me to a crisp. You ain’t even let people through the door before you went in. Why are you so eager?”

She shrugged and stepped aside, letting me pass. I nodded at Jay, careful to avoid his touch. I didn’t want him pulling me back in. Not yet. I needed time. He smiled at me and took my coat. A few seconds later a small figure tackled me. I stumbled back, bracing myself against the wall.

“Mommy!” Blue shouted, hanging off my waist.

I pulled her up and showered her face with kisses. “Hi baby. How was your day?” I asked, walking us to the living room.

I sat on the couch with her on my lap while she described every part of her day in great detail. I smiled through the whole thing. It felt good to be around her. She was my one bright spot in a very dark world. After about an hour, Solange cut in.

“Hey Blue, do you wanna show me your room?”

Blue frowned. “No. You’re just making me leave because Mommy and Daddy are gonna talk. You can’t trick me. I’m staying.”

She folded her arms stubbornly across her chest. Solange blinked a few times before she grabbed Blue and threw her over her shoulder.

Solo smiled back at me. “We’ll be upstairs.”

Blue kept her arms folded, frowning as Solo carried her upstairs. I turned to look over at Jay who had taken up residence on the opposite couch. He raised an eyebrow.

“What you need to talk about, Bey?”
I took a breath before getting up to go sit next to him. He watched me, surprised. I turned my body, so I was facing him. He looked hopeful, but I shut him down.

“I’m not here to talk about us.”

His face fell, but he nodded. “I guess I knew that.”

I touched his arm. “I’m not saying it won’t happen.”

We gazed into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. I cleared my throat and clasped my hands together. He frowned at the sudden lack of contact.

“Just not now. I’m not ready yet.”

Jay nodded. “I understand. I’ll be right here when you are.”

I smiled softly. “Good, because I can’t lose anyone else. It would kill me.”

He held my hands. “Well, you don’t have to worry about that.”

I looked down at our intertwined fingers. “I want Blue to come stay with me.”

Jay pulled his hands away. “So that’s what this is about. That’s why you’re being all nice to me. That’s fucked up, Bey, real fucked up.”

I frowned. “What? No, that is not why I said those things. Stop trying to victimize yourself. I came over here to take steps forward, not backwards.”

Jay laughed. “Yeah, okay. You’ve treated me like shit these past two months, and all of a sudden when you want something, you want to work it out? Bullshit.”

“Oh right, because that’s the ONLY explanation. I couldn’t possibly have had a genuine change of heart. I MUST be manipulating you, because I’M the manipulator, right? I’m the liar and the cheat. Oh wait.”

Jay sighed. “I’m sorry.”

I stood up to get my purse, looking at him with disgust. “Of course you are. That’s ALL you ever are: sorry.”

He grabbed my arm. “Hold on, Bey. Don’t go. I’m sorry. I really am. You’re trying to take steps, and I believe that.”

I stopped, looking back at him. “I know I haven’t been in the best place lately, but please don’t drag me down. I don’t need that right now, and after all the shit I’ve been through, I really don’t deserve it.”

Jay nodded. “I know, and I’m sorry. Sit down, please. Let’s keep talking.”

I started following him towards the couch but hesitated when I heard the doorbell ring. I turned around, curious to see who it was. I peeked into the hall as Mama G opened the door. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked at the person in the doorway. She looked real familiar. Jay swore under his breath beside me. I turned to look at him. He looked scared. My nostrils flared.

I strode towards the door, roughly shaking off Jay’s hand when he tried to stop me. The ‘woman’ moved around Gloria to peek inside the house. I fucking knew it. Rachel. Her eyes narrowed when she saw me.

“What is she doing here?” Rachel asked.

I laughed, looking between her and Jay. “What am I doing here? WHAT AM I DOING HERE?” I yelled, shocked at the sheer audacity of the question.

Jay shook his head. “No, Bey. I swear it’s not what it looks like. I did not invite her here. I’ll handle this, just don’t lose it.”

I laughed again. “Oh, I’m not losing it, Jay. I’ve already fucking lost it. You have me in here looking a damn fool, talking about how I wanna fix things between us. Meanwhile you still out here fucking these ho ass bitches.”

Jay held up his hands. “Bey, I’m not lying. I–”

“Who the fuck are you calling a ho ass bitch?” Rachel asked, twirling her neck.

I spun around to face her. “YOU. Who the fuck else? What do you call a bitch who goes after a man who’s married with children? Hmmm. Let me think. A. HO. ASS. BITCH.” I turned towards the stairs. “I’m getting Blue. We’re getting the fuck up outta here.”

Jay frowned, blocking the stairs. “Uh-uh. You not taking my daughter anywhere. We didn’t get around to having that talk, so I can’t be sure you’re in the right state of my mind to be looking after a child, especially not right now.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Oh, but you are? You have these ho ass bitches–”

“You got one more time to call me a ho ass bitch,” Rachel interjected.
I turned around, eyes blazing. “HO ASS BITCH!”

She lunged, but I was ready. See, the problem with these stupid, punk ass, ho ass bitches is they don’t even know how to fight. They go straight for the hair as if that's gonna do something. Bitch. My hair got caught in a fan and I was still singing. You think yanking on my hair is gonna stop me? Stupid. So, I punched her straight in the throat. She fell back against the wall, clutching her neck.

I smiled sweetly at her, satisfied. “There. No more interruptions.”
I turned back to Jay. “You have these random HO ASS BITCHES running through your house like they own the damn place, and you think Blue is safe here? You think this is a good place for her to be?”

Jay shook his head. “I’m about to handle this. Five minutes from now she’ll be gone. Done. It’s a non-issue. That temper of yours though? That’s an issue. You just punched someone in their fucking throat. Nah, you need to chill. You’re not taking Blue. Not tonight at least.”

I clenched my jaw. “I’m not leaving without my child.”

“That’s your selfish need talking. You’re not thinking about Blue. What can you do for her right now? Huh? You’re only thinking about yourself like usual!”

I reeled back like he had slapped me. He may as well have. He sighed, tiredly rubbing his face with his hand.

“That–That was out of line.” Jay held his hands up. “Listen. You came here to make amends and that’s a big step forward, but we both know you aren’t ready to take her back. Not yet.”

I looked off to the side, knowing he was right. I bounced my leg. “I’m gonna go say bye. I’ll be back here on Friday to finish our conversation.”

Jay nodded. “Alright. I’m open to that.”

He stepped out of the way, and I ran up the stairs to Blue’s room, desperate to get out of there. She was wearing headphones, watching something on her iPad. I nodded gratefully at Solo. She nodded back. I walked over to Blue and took her headphones off.

“Mommy has to go now, but I’ll see you on Friday. Until then, behave for your daddy, okay?”

Blue nodded, poking her lip out. I kissed her bottom lip then stood up. “I love you.”

She smiled. “Love you too.”

I put her headphones back on her head. I motioned to Solo, and she followed me out of the room. We jogged down the stairs back into the drama. Solo surveyed the scene before grabbing our coats, purposely shoving her way past Jay. I took my coat from her and threw the front door open, not caring if it slammed. As soon as I was on the porch, I unlocked my car, speed walking towards it. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Solange was right behind me, cussing Jay out.

“OOOO I SWEEEAAAR. I SWEAR. KEEP BRINGING THESE BITCHES UP IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. SEE WHAT HAPPENS. SEE. I DON’T NEED AN ELEVATOR TO WHOOP YOUR FUCKING ASS, NIGGA,” Solo shouted, her eyes flaming.

We hopped in the car and I sped off, heated. We were a few minutes away from my house when I got a call from Jay. Solange looked at the screen and rolled her eyes.

“Ignore that nigga.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” I said, clicking ignore with a flourish. “He can kiss my ass.”

Jay called again, and I kissed my teeth, ignoring him again. He called again, and I immediately ignored it.

“Damn, why is he being so persistent?” I mused, keeping my focus on the road.

He called again, and I decided to answer it to cuss him out.

“I don’t wanna fucking hear–”

“Do you have Blue,” he rushed out, cutting me off.

I blinked. “What? No. I left her with you."

The other end of the line was silent. My heart pounded in my chest.

"Jay. Where is my daughter?" I asked, my voice deceptively calm.

He didn't answer. I slammed my hands against the steering wheel.

"FUCKING ANSWER ME. WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS BLUE? TELL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW."

He was crying. I could hear him shaking through the phone. “I don't know. When I got Rachel to leave, I–I went upstairs to go check on Blue, and sh–she was gone. I’ve already called the police.”

I yanked the steering wheel to the left, hard, making an illegal U-turn. Solange held on for dear life. I slammed down on the gas pedal, speeding back towards the house. By the time I got there the police had already arrived. I forced my way past them and up to the house. Jay was waiting at the door. His face was wet with tears. He shook his head, silently opening and closing his mouth. He covered his face with his hands and fell to his knees. I froze, watching him. I looked around in a daze.

Mama G was talking to one of the officers. “I thought she was asleep. I went to go clean up while Jay spoke to that girl. I swear I thought she was upstairs. I swear.”

I tried to take a step forward but fell back. Solange caught me, holding me tight to her chest. I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t even cry. My whole life was falling apart. Piece by piece. God was taking everything from me. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it anymore.

"I can't," I gasped out. "I can't. I can't."

Solo squeezed me tighter. "I'm here. I've got you. I've got you, sis."

After a few hours, Solo drove us back to the house. Kelly, Michelle and my mom were waiting for us when we got there.

Solo reached over and squeezed my hand. I barely felt it.

“I called them as soon as Jay called," she murmured. Her voice sounded a million miles away.

Solo got out of the car and walked over to my side, pulling me out. I stared into space as she walked us towards the house. My mom pulled me into a hug. I stood limply in her embrace. Kelly, Michelle and Solo joined in, enveloping me in their love. I stood there, empty. I felt nothing. Nothing at all.

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Late af. But my laptop straight up died on me. R.I.P., you did not serve me well 🖕🏾

Anyway, hope you enjoyed. The updates will tragically continue to be irregular now that old craptop has passed on. Ok byeeee ✌🏽